


Hoodwinked

by chasing5sos



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: 5sos AU, Bestfriend Luke, F/M, High School, Love Triangles, Popular Calum
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-08
Updated: 2016-04-15
Packaged: 2018-05-25 14:03:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 60
Words: 73,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6197896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chasing5sos/pseuds/chasing5sos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"That's never going to work you idiot."</p><p>It's her senior year and Ruby has vowed to tell her long-term crush, Calum Hood, exactly how she feels. But when things don't go to plan, she skeptically takes on the help of Luke, the boy next door, who believes he's got the perfect plan.</p><p>(A/N: this story is originally posted on my wattpad account @chasing5sos)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The credits start rolling and the cinema lights brighten. "What a shit movie," I tell my best friend, Joss, who's sitting beside me. Her blotchy face turns to mine and - _is she serious?_ "Are you crying?"

"I'm happy," she blubbers through her tears. "It was such a happy ending."

We stand up, taking our empty popcorn containers with us and throwing them into the bin on the way out. "Movies like that set us up for disappointment. In real life, the girl doesn't always get the guy. That's the honest truth."

"Maybe not," Joss agrees, wiping the smudged mascara from underneath her eyes. "But telling the boy you actually like him might increase the chances."

"Whatever," I mutter, pretending I don't notice that she's talking about me.

"Ruby, this is our last year of school, if you don't tell Calum you like him now, you'll miss your chance."

"It's not that easy," I defend as we get into my little red car. "He's Calum Hood. Look at him, he's gorgeous, and popular, and he's got that whole mysterious and slightly misunderstood thing going on," I sigh, thinking about his full lips and dark brown eyes. "It's actually cruel that someone so beautiful can exist."

Joss giggles, "You're going to tell him. Otherwise I will."

I scoff, "No you won't."

She thinks for a moment and I drive out of the parking lot, towards my house, "Maybe not. But I might let it slip to Michael, and you know he can't keep his mouth shut about anything." Michael is Joss's boyfriend. They've been dating since the eighth grade which is practically eternity in high school, making my best friend believe she's some sort of love expert.

I've had a crush on Calum since I walked into the school for the first time, three years ago. I thought being the new girl was going to be torturous but Joss took under her wing from the first day, and even introduced me to Luke who was probably my other best friend. He also happened to be my next door neighbour, and one of Calum's best friends.

"Wait, you have to drop me off at my house, remember? Michael's coming over."

"No," I shake my head. Joss has the worst memory, stuff like this always happens. "I don't remember. You know, you always do this."

She looks at me with her dark eyes, all puppy-dog like and of course I can't be mad at her. "Sorry," she squeaks.

I roll my eyes but take her home. If she wants to waste our last day of freedom making out with Michael, I can't blame her. When I get home, Alfie and Finn are playing Monopoly on the dining room table.

"Alfie's cheating," Finn, my twenty year old brother complains. He lives fifteen minutes away from us in an apartment with two of his friends, and doesn't do much besides go to work (he's a mechanic) and play video games. It took $20 for him to come and babysit Alfie today so I could go to the movies with Joss. _Can you feel the sibling love or what?_

"No, I'm not!" Alfie argues. "Ruby, tell him. I never cheat." That's true. Out of the three of us, Alfie is already the smartest and he's only nine.

On the fridge, I check Dad's work schedule - he's a detective and works all kinds of weird hours - to find that he's on an overnight shift tonight. Inside the fridge, there's nothing but butter, some eggs and leftover pasta from three nights ago.

"Who feels like pizza tonight?" I ask, discarding the leftover pasta into the bin. There's guilt sitting like a seed in my stomach, because instead of being at the movies today, I probably should have gone to the store to get food. Grocery shopping is, like most other adult responsibilities around here, my job.

My two brothers reply with a harmonised, "Meeee!" and I actually manage to talk Finn into paying, with only so much of a slight eye roll on his behalf. When the pizza arrives, the three of us sit around the table eating and laughing, and resembling a normal family.

"You excited to go back to school tomorrow?" Finn asks me.

"Were you ever excited to go back to school"?" I counter, picking up another slice of pizza.

Finn laughs, brushing some of his dirty blonde hair from his eyes. "You know me, Ruby. I was a model student." He's being sarcastic.

Alfie pipes up, "Ruby's excited to see her boyfriend." He starts making kissing sounds, while laughing at himself like he is the funniest person in the world.

"What boyfriend?"

"I don't have a boyfriend," I tell Finn. "And keep you mouth shut, Alfie or I'll put you on dish duty all week."

He pokes his tongue out at me and then quietly continues eating his pizza, his hazel eyes hooded. I feel guilty for snapping at him so after we've finished dinner and Alfie's had his shower, I let him have a bowl of ice-cream.

Finn leaves straight after dinner, which is typical. He only really comes home to eat or babysit Alfie. Once my little brother is asleep and the kitchen is cleaned, I text Luke to ask if he wants to come over but - surprise, surprise - he has a date. If Joss is a love expert, Luke thinks of himself as a sex expert. He doesn't commit to girls but he's always _hanging out_ with different girls.

So, instead of watching tv alone, I go upstairs to my room and look at myself in the mirror. I missed the dirty blonde gene that Alfie and Finn inherited. Instead, I got stuck with what my dad calls _strawberry blonde_ hair which is really just a nicer way of saying that I have red hair.

It's gotten longer over the Summer, now falling completely past my chest. Thinking about what Joss said today, I paint my nails a pale pink colour and decide that she's right. This year is my last chance to tell Calum I like him.

And that's exactly what I'm going to do.


	2. 2

"You look happy," Joss says, sitting down opposite me. It's lunchtime and I'm reading over my new class timetable that sits on the table. It's the usual suspects: Advanced Maths, English, Legal Studies, Chemistry and Government, and I won't be sorry to say goodbye to them after this year.

"I am happy," I smile. "Because this hell only owns my soul for another year."

"You act like this place is _so_ bad."

"Isn't it?" I laugh, stuffing my timetable into my jacket pocket and digging into my fruit salad.

Joss takes a sip of her smoothie, looking thoughtful. I know exactly what's coming: one of her _talks_. "You are beautiful and smart and popular. Do you have any idea how many girls would love to have your life?"

"You act like I have no problems."

"Do you?"

Let's see: I've spent three years liking a boy that will probably never like me back. I have to play responsible-adult-slash-stand-in-mother-figure because my own mother couldn't handle the responsibility of being a parent. And I'm pretty sure the pimple on my forehead today is the size of a small planet.

It's no use explaining any of this to Joss because her life really is perfect, as if it were cut and pasted out of a magazine. Her dad is a surgeon, her mum works as a fashion buyer for a huge department store and every year they take Joss and her older sister Mikayla on holidays to places like Spain and Fiji.

Besides, she's never really asked about my mum and I've never brought it up either. When we moved, I told everyone that my dad's job brought us here and while that was true, I left out the part where he was also trying to escape the town that held all of the memories of the wife who no longer loved him.

"What are we talking about?" Luke sits down next to us, his blonde hair looking more disheveled than usual and at least three visible hickeys on his neck from last nights date. _Typical._

"Ruby was just telling me she's going to tell Calum she likes him," Joss smiles, barely lowering her voice even though Calum and his crew are at the very table next to us. I glare at her as hard as I can.

"And Joss was just telling me that her and Michael had sex in the back of his mum's minivan last week, and Karen caught them."

Luke bursts into laughter while my friend's face turns red. "Okay, let's call it even," she mumbles, as Michael arrives to our table. Last time I saw him, he had bright red hair but it's since been dyed black. He greets Joss with a kiss, and not a subtle one, either. They're completely sucking each others faces, oblivious to mine and Luke's disgust.

"How was your date?"

"She was," Luke licks his lip and pauses for a moment. I can practically see him recalling last nights affairs. "lovely."

I shove his arm. "You're sick. You're going to get a disease one day."

"I'm always very careful: _No glove? No love_. My mum told me that one."

"That's gross," I shudder. "I don't want to know about Liz giving you sex talks." My attention extends past Luke's shoulder to where Calum is sitting on the table, a soccer ball in his hand. From this angle, I get a perfect view of his jaw line. I envy every girl that's had the opportunity to run her fingers along it. 

"I don't know how he hasn't figured it out yet. You stare at him constantly, like he's a piece of art."

"He _is_ a piece of art," I laugh. "And he's too busy being beautiful to notice me."

Luke made a face, "You two are around each other all the time. It's not like you're some wallflower that blends into the background."

This is where Joss, and Luke get confused. Maybe I hang out with the popular kids, and maybe from the outside it appears like I am one of the popular kids but really, Joss and Luke are the only two I actually talk to. The rest of the time I stand around pretending to fit in.

"It doesn't matter anyway," I sit up a little straighter. "I've decided that this year is going to be the year it happens."

"You're going to lose your virginity?"

I slap the blonde boy's shoulder, "Is that all you think about? _No_ , this is the year I get onto Calum's radar and tell him that I like him."

"Sure," Luke laughs. "I'll believe that when I see it."

 

After school, I race over to the other side of town to pick Alfie up. I only ever make it with a few minutes to spare and at least once a week, the poor kid has to stand out the front of the school for five minutes waiting for me to arrive but he doesn't complain because it beats the alternative.

He used to catch the bus. After a few months, he started to complain that some of the other boys were picking on him, and like the horrible big sister I am, I gave him the most unhelpful advice: _stick it out, stand up for yourself, it can't be that bad._

Just before the summer holidays, he came home with a black eye and a ripped shirt. My dad reported it to the school but that didn't do much other than give the boy - Donny Walters - two detentions and told Alfie to stay away from him on the bus. I've picked him up every day since.

"How was school, bud?"

"Matt Golding stole a naughty magazine from his dad's office and showed everyone at lunch time," he answers matter-of-factly. "Some of the naked girls had hair on their vaginas, and some didn't. Why is that?" 

I feel my cheeks turning hot because I never expected to be seventeen and having to explain these things to my little brother. Even though I'm focused on the road, I can feel his huge hazel eyes staring at me as he waits for an answer.

"Do you know if dad's working tonight?" I stall, hoping to distract him. "We should go bowling."

"Are you avoiding my question?" he asks. He's always been a blunt child.

"Yes," I answer honestly. "Maybe Finn is the better option, you know, for that sort of talk."

"Because he's seen a lot of vaginas?" He asks curiously and I can't help but laugh a little.

"Just for a moment, I'm going to pretend that you are still four and obsessed with drawing  dinosaurs and calling me 'Wooby' because you can't say Ruby, okay?"

 


	3. Chapter 3

It's Wednesday night and I'm sitting in my room. It's the first night all week that my dad has been home to entertain Alfie and cook dinner and do the regular parenting things that I'm usually left doing.

What I should be doing with this free-time is studying. It's ridiculous that it's only our first week back and already, teachers are handing out assignments and talking non-stop about the HSC, reminding us that our whole future is based on how well we do on a series of stupid year twelve exams. My English teacher, Mrs Matthews, is the worst of them all. I'd like to see _her_ get through high school in this decade. It's so much more stressful than when my parents graduated.

Instead of studying, I'm picking at my nail polish and thinking about normal teenage stuff. Like the way Calum's smile was turned up more to the right side when he spoke to me today. Luke was talking to him about some soccer match, and I was waiting for him - Luke, that is - so we could walk to Advanced Maths together, and after Calum had addressed Luke with a simple, "Laters, Hemmings," he said "See ya, Ruby."

And then, Luke teased me the entire way to class because I couldn't wipe the dumb smile from my face. It was still there when I picked Alfie up from school, but luckily he spent the whole car ride home talking about science project he had to work on this school term and how excited he was about it, so he probably just thought I was excited for him.

It's only for Alfie's sake that I sometimes wish Mum would come back. He's supposed to be able to tell her about science projects, while she wipes cookie crumbs off his face and scolds him for leaving his bag in the doorway.

Alfie's too young to remember what it was like when she was here, but I'm not. I remember the day she left like it was yesterday. She was baking cookies when I woke up, which was odd, but they were the cookies Grandma always made at Christmas and so I was excited. Even though I was fourteen, not four, and probably too old to be excited about cookies.

That was the only thing that was different about that day. She waved me off to school, she kissed Alfie's hair and lectured Finn about not skipping anymore of his classes. It was a normal day, until I came home and my Dad was sitting on the lounge, his face stained with tears. I'd never seen him cry before and instantly, a knot formed in my stomach. I knew something was wrong. I thought she was dead.

She wasn't dead, though. She was, according to the letter she left my dad, _broken down from the responsibility of parenting and in need of some alone time._

Poor Dad, he didn't want to believe it. He called in favours down at the station, tracking her cell phone and checking if her car had gone through any tolls. He was worried something bad had happened to her.

He ended up finding something worse than foul-play though. He found that the letter was the cold, brutal truth. 

_I don't know what love is anymore, but I know it's not here with you,_ she wrote. I guess that's why I don't really feel sad about it. It's easy not to miss someone when they don't want to be here. Alfie doesn't know that yet.

My window opens and Luke crawls through in his black skinny jeans and black shirt. "You know we have a front door, right?"

He shrugs, sitting down next to me on the bed. "It's easier than using the front door."

"It's because my dad is home, isn't it?" I gently nudge his shoulder with mine. With Luke's tall frame, climbing through the small window is _not_ easy and he only ever does it on nights when my dad is home. 

"Can you blame me? The man carries a gun, Ruby," He raises his eyebrows in this neurotic kind of way that's actually cute. He's so cocky all of the time that it's one trait that keeps him like-able.

"Then you better not do anything to tick him off," I smile. "Don't you have any ladies to entertain tonight?"

"You know what they say: lust grows when you keep them on their toes," he laughs.

"Did your mum teach you that one too?"

He gives me this goofy smile, "No. I thought of that one all on my own."

"Do you want to watch a movie?" I reach for my laptop that's sitting at the end of my bed, mentally claiming the movie choice. Last time Luke made me watch Anchorman 2 and I'm still angry that I'll never get those two hours of my life back. It was _that_ terrible.

"Yeah, but before you do," Luke smiles sheepishly, "can you go into the kitchen and get us some snacks?"

Instead of answering, I hit him with the pillow and yell out to my dad. "Daaad?! Can you bring some popcorn in? By the way, Luke's here."

His blue eyes widen as he snatches the pillow out of my hands, "What did you do that for?" he whispers.

"Relax," I roll my eyes. "He'll only shoot you if you break my heart or sleep with me."

Luke straightens out, crossing his legs in front of him and leaning back onto the bed again, "Then we're all good."


	4. Chapter 4

 

By Friday, the only thing everyone at school is talking about is the party Ashton Irwin is throwing on Saturday night. He graduated two years ago and all of his parties hold a reputation for getting wild. While they don't come around often, there is always one thing you can count on: Calum will be there, which means I have to be there. 

"Please," I'm begging Finn now, no sense of dignity left here. It's Friday night and I'm out of options. Dad's working night shift tomorrow and I can't leave Alfie home alone.

"I told you, I've got plans."

"What plans?" I scoff. "Sitting around your apartment playing Playstation with Greg and Fuzz?"

"It's Fizz," Finn says, taking a chocolate brownie from the peace offering I baked him after school. "And no."

"Then no more brownies."

I take the plate from him, setting it down on the counter on the other side of the kitchen. _Shit, shit, shit._ Now what? I'm all out of bargaining tools. I've tried brownies; begging; I can't pay him because I'm flat broke and already owe Joss money for a pair of shoes and - _that's it._

Twirling on my toes, I walk back over and lean across the bench, trying to keep my face steady, "I'll introduce you to Mikayla."

Finn raises his eyebrows high above his hazel eyes. They're the same colour as mine, Alfie's and Dad's. "Go on."

"You can come over there with me, we'll all see a movie or something," I say frantically, spitting the first lame plan I think of. There's no way a double date with his sister and her best friend is going to change his mind.

"Lame," he says, standing up as if he might walk out.

"Wait!" I shout. Quick, Ruby. _Think, think._  "Wait, someone ran into Mikayla's car last week. It was parked, she's okay," I explain when I notice how concerned he looks, "but she was complaining about the dent. I'll give her your number at the garage and let her know you'll fix it."

Finn takes a moment, pretending he is thinking over the idea but we both know he won't turn this down. He's been begging to get a proper introduction to Joss's big sister - who is to be fair, every bit as gorgeous as Joss is - for months now. 

"Done," he says. "But you have to be back by midnight."

"Midnight? Are you serious?" I only half groan, because I don't want to seem entirely ungrateful. "Where are you going at midnight?"

"No where, but I'm not an idiot. I've heard things about the parties that Irwin kid throws and you're still my kid sister after all."


	5. Chapter 5

This house makes Joss's look like a dollhouse.

I can't tell you much about Ashton Irwin other than that he - or his parents, I guess - has six bathrooms and an indoor pool. The latter, currently has at least half a dozen topless girls in it who are pretending to play volleyball, but they're mostly pushing their chests out further for the audience of boys sitting on the edge of the pool.

I recognise some of the boys but I'm surprised not to see Luke there. We've been here for at least two hours so my next guess would be that he is already upstairs with a girl. Calum isn't in the line up of perving teenagers either, but that doesn't surprise me at all.

I don't know a lot about Calum, really, aside from the fact that he likes soccer and despite being loved by everyone, he doesn't say much. He's sort of mysterious, I guess, which is part of his charm. Imagine being the girl who one day manages to put together the puzzle that is Calum Hood, knowing all of the secrets and inner thoughts behind those deep brown eyes.

Given that I'm not drunk enough to take off my clothes and get in the pool, I walk back into the kitchen where liquor fills most of the available bench space, aside from the corner where a cupcake tower of iced-brownies are sitting. There's a few spills already on the floor and I do not envy whoever is going to clean this up tomorrow.

With a refilled cup of vodka in one hand and one of the chocolate brownies in my other, I squeeze through the crowded living room, looking for Joss or Michael or anyone that I actually might know, until giving up entirely and sitting on a floral antique-looking chair.

I only take one bite of the brownie before I recognise the weird, earthy taste and realise that they're not the kind I made to bribe Finn yesterday afternoon. They're marijuana brownies. I abandon it entirely, and lift my cup to my mouth to wash it down but stop when I see Calum.

He's standing across the room, against the wall with a beer in one hand and the other resting in the back pocket of his skinny jeans. He's wearing a white t-shirt with a black vest, and frowning into space like he's got more important things to do than be hanging out at some lame party.

Once, about a year ago, my dad took us out for breakfast at this cafe. It was coming up to Mum's birthday and I think he felt bad, like maybe we'd be sad or something, and even though I didn't care there was no way I'd turn down someone else paying for breakfast. 

Anyway, just as we were leaving (I ended up ordering Eggs Benedict in case you're wondering) Calum walked in with a copy of To Kill A Mockingbird in his hand. Ever since, I've had this strange sense that maybe there's this whole other side to Calum that no one knows, and maybe that's made me fall for him even more.

Even though I'm not drunk yet, I'm starting to wave at him. The forgotten brownie is next to my shoe, and my left hand holding onto my red cup tighter while my right waves all on it's own accord. Maybe I'm panicking because of what Joss said - about this year being the last chance I have at telling him that I like him - but I'm lifting my hand higher now, trying to capture his attention.

He notices me and smiles. It's a ghost smile, but a smile. And now, _oh my god_ , he's coming this way. At first, I instinctively look behind me even though the floral chair is against the wall and there is no other explanation than he's on his way over here to speak to _me._ And now I'm trying to decide what to do with my hands. They feel so awkward in my lap, like they aren't usually attached to my arms or something.

It would be too obvious to brush my hair out of my face so I sort of shake my head slightly, while smiling, hoping it looks okay and also hoping that the giant pimple that's been living on my face all week has at least had the decency to shrink a little.

"Hey Cal," I say as soon as he's within reach of hearing my voice over the music. I stop myself from saying anything else because I hear Luke's voice saying  _lust grows when you keep them on their toes_ or whatever it was, because that's all I've got to work with right now.

Calum doesn't say anything. He leans down and his knees brush up against mine. It's the most physical contact we've ever had, and it sends shivers down my spine. He's staring at my face, concentrating, and it feels like one of those love movies that I always make fun of. The ones that Joss always cries in.

But maybe I was wrong. To make fun of those movies, I mean.

Calum's reaching up and touching my cheek with his thumb. My entire body feels like it's made of a deck of cards, one move too sudden and I'll come crashing down. He's still silent and I wonder if maybe we have this deep-seeded connection where we don't have to say anything because of some unspoken understanding where we just _get_ one another.

His thumb is running down to the corner of my mouth, his skin softer than I imagined it to be. I've always thought that his fingertips would be calloused from hours of playing guitar or something. Stopping his thumb at the corner of my lip, his smile grows and I breathe in deeply, shutting my eyes and I'm thinking: _forget keeping him on his toes, this is it._ Calum Hood is going to kiss me.

But as my eyes shut, he says my name and it's not the whispered sort of tone that one might use just before they kiss someone. It's a louder, trying-to-get-your-attention sound and when my eyes open, he's licking chocolate frosting from his thumb which awakens other parts of my body briefly, his tongue swirling around and taking every bit of frosting with it.

"You're welcome," he smiles, standing up and leaving, but my eyes can't follow where he goes because all of a sudden, it's glaringly obvious that while I was shutting my eyes and thinking that Calum Hood was about to kiss me, he was actually trying not to laugh at the girl sitting by herself with chocolate frosting on her face.


	6. Chapter 6

"So you had a little frosting on your face," Luke repeats, struggling to follow the conversation because of all the beer he drank. "I'm sure it wasn't that bad."

"It  _was_  that bad," I groan, throwing the blanket over me so that only my eyes are peering out of the top. It took me almost an hour to track down Luke, and another thirty minutes to help walk him home because the boy can't handle his alcohol. "He probably thinks I'm a pot-head psycho." Which at this point, doesn't seem like a bad life choice. I bet stoners never feel this embarrassed.

"He doesn't think that," he mumbles, sitting on the floor opposite my bed and kicking off his shoes.

"All I know is that I'm done with caring about boys, especially Calum. I'm perfectly fine with being alone forever."

Luke frowns, his head falling lazily onto his shoulder, "Is this still about Calum?"

"I guess," But probably not. I think maybe I'm just feeling tired and lonely. "It's just, Joss doesn't understand. I mean, look at her and Michael. They'll probably get married one day. And you don't either, you've never been infatuated with a girl for longer than a week."

"You say that like it's a bad thing," he says with a slow smile. At least he's sobered up enough and stopped repeating everything. "But think of it this way, when I eventually get a girlfriend everyone will know that she must be pretty special if I've given up my wicked ways for her."

"I guess that's sort of true," I agree, not really believing that Luke's as wicked as he pretends to be.

H sits up a little straighter, his glossy blue eyes coming alive. "Wait, Ruby, that's it."

"What's it?" I ask warily. Whenever Luke's drunk, he's always coming up with brilliant ideas: like the time he spray painted Liz's car pink, or when he moved the lounge into the backyard so he could sleep until the stars.

"You're going to be my girlfriend." He's smiling widely, waiting for me to respond. All I can do is groan.

"Climb out of the window and go home, Luke. You're drunk." I'd suggest the front door but I don't trust him not to take our lounge with him.

"I'm serious," he moves so that he is kneeling now, his face is close to mine. "You said it yourself, a girl would have to be pretty special for me to date her, - "

"Actually, you said that," I interrupt, pulling the blanket tighter around me.

Luke frowns at me, "We'll pretend to be dating, and then it's only a matter of time before Calum sees something in you that he didn't see before. Once you have him right where you want him, we stage a break up and you make your move. It's the perfect plan."

"It's a terrible plan." And I mean that. There's not even a tiny part of me that thinks that pretending to date Luke could somehow make Calum like me.

"Come on, Ruby. It's not like I'm that bad. There's worst people out there to be your pretend boyfriend."

"Aside from the fact that Calum is one of your best friends, and I don't see how it would work,  _no one_  will believe that you have given up all of your one night stands for a serious girlfriend."

Luke leans in a little closer so I can smell the scotch coming off of his breath. His mouth parts and I can feel the metal of his lip ring touching my the top of my cheek before he whispers in my ear, "Then we'll have to make it really convincing."

A weird shiver moves through my body and I move to the other side of the bed, creating some space between us.

"It's a terrible plan," I repeat, closing my eyes. "You can sleep here but if you spew on my floor, I'll kill you." I feel the bed dip with Luke's weight and a few minutes later, he's snoring.


	7. Chapter 7

Luke's already gone when I wake up on Sunday morning. He's probably at home explaining himself to Liz who gets upset when he stays out all night and doesn't call. I guess that's the upside to having only one parent around: it's one less person to lecture me whenever I screw up, which as a teenager, is bound to happen from time to time.

From what I've heard from my dad, my mum was the wild one when she was younger while he was the boy with perfect grades and a blonde comb-over. Sort of like that whole, good girl meets bad boy thing, I guess, but in reverse.

Alfie's sitting on the lounge reading a book when I get out of bed. The TV isn't on, making my footsteps loud in the silent house. I feel sort of sad that he has to wake up to such a quiet house, I wonder if it would be different if mum was still around.

"What are you reading, kid?"

He holds up the cover so I can see the cover. The Mortal Instruments, the title reads, plastered over one of those covers that gives me the impression it's a fantasy-type book. "Mr Wales gave it to me," he explains, still not looking away from the pages. "He told me it's a series for older kids but I'm not like most nine year olds."

"Is it any good?" I wish I actually enjoyed reading outside of school so that I could relate to him more but the only things that I choose to willingly read are tumblr posts. Sometimes I feel bad that I don't read books first to make sure they're appropriate for him. Which reminds me that I still have to talk to Dad or Finn about that whole nude magazine thing that happened at school the other day.

"It's cool," he finally looks up, closing the book. Within seconds, one version of Alfie disappears and his younger, more kid-like counterpart surfaces. "Can we have pancakes for breakfast?"

Alfie smiles, his teeth all uneven and gappy - this is something else I never thought I'd have to know at seventeen: how much the tooth fairy pays per tooth - and there's no way I can say no. "Sure, bud."

While I cook, Alfie sits on the stool at the end of the kitchen bench, telling me everything that Finn did wrong when he was babysitting last night: _he didn't check the bath water before I got in, he gave when soft drink and he didn't even make me brush my teeth!_

"That's just what big brothers do," I justify, pouring some of the pancake mixture into the pan. "They only know how to do the fun stuff."

Alfie looks at me skeptically, "When does Finn ever do fun things with me?" He sounds so sad that I promise to take him bowling next weekend, and I try extra hard not to burn his pancakes.

As I'm plating up the pancakes, the doorbell rings and Alfie rushes to answer it, "Make sure you check who it is first," I call out after him, adding two strawberries and a swirl of syrup to the pancake on top of the stack so that it resembles a smiley face. I'm sitting it down on the table when he and Luke walk into the kitchen.

"See, pancakes are the kind of thing I missed out on when I didn't have a girlfriend," Luke says, taking a pancake from the plate next to the stove.

Thankfully, Alfie is already at the dining table shovelling half a pancake into his mouth so he doesn't notice that I swat Luke's arm with the spatula.

"Come on, that's no way to treat your boyfriend, Ruby," Luke laughs, taking another bite of the pancake.

"Are you still drunk?" I whisper. "I thought you'd be over this stupid plan once you sobered up."

"It's a great plan," he's opening the fridge now, taking out the carton of orange juice and then two glasses from the cupboard next to the fridge. "And I spent my morning brainstorming some guide lines for us."

He takes a glass of juice over to Alfie, who beams at him with a full mouth of food. The two of them get along so well, it kind of makes up for the fact that Finn can sometimes be a bit of a jerk to our younger brother.

"Don't I get a say in these guidelines?" I whisper again when he's close to me again, pretending for a moment that I'll actually go along with this idiotic plan.

"What did you have in mind?" he asks, leaning against the kitchen counter.

"How about no mentioning this fake relationship in front of you know who?" I'm talking as quietly as I can so that Alfie doesn't hear.

Luke frowns, "Okay. Anything else?"

"I'm not actually going along with this," my eyes roll as I wash up the fry pan that I cooked the pancakes in.

"Yes you are."

"No, I'm not."

"Why not? We pretend to date, we get Calum to notice you, we pretend to break-up and then you two can run into the sunset or whatever it is that happens in your Calum fantasies."

"That's never going to work, you idiot."

"But it might work."

There's something about the way Luke is smiling at me right now, with his eyebrows raised. I'm thinking about how monumental grade twelve is and how much I want to have my chance with Calum, and even if this plan doesn't work, it wouldn't hurt anyone. Right? 

Even if it doesn't change anything, Luke and I can just stage our breakup as planned and finish off the rest of our last year of school like nothing happened.

And so as I watch Luke bite into another pancake, I find myself nodding and saying, "Okay."


	8. Chapter 8

When Luke said he'd prepared some guidelines, he wasn't kidding. "Rule number one," he's reading from the Notes section of his phone now that we are in my bedroom and safely away from Alfie's prying ears. "No sex."

"Obviously," I roll my eyes. I'm sitting on my bed, picking at a stray white cotton that's come undone from the rest of the sheet.

"I know it's probably going to be hard for you to keep your hands off of me," I look up to see Luke licking his lips, drawing the corners of his mouth up into a smile, "But we have to keep this strictly business, Ruby."

"Rule number two, as suggested by you in the kitchen before, we keep family members out of this. As far as they're concerned, we're just friends as usual. Right?"

"Right," I nod. I'm still skeptical this is even going to work but Alfie already adores Luke and I don't want him to become confused by watching us date and then, inevitably, break up.

"Rule number three and again, this might be hard for you because I'm pretty charming but no falling in love with one another."

I laugh, "You're the boy next door, Luke. If we were going to fall in love, it would have happened by now."

It's funny now but when I first met Luke, I thought he was insanely hot. I was only fourteen at the time and in the middle of a phase where I was attracted to anyone with blue eyes and blonde hair. I also had posters of Jesse McCartney on my walls, please don't judge me.

Anyway, that didn't last long though, and once I set my sights on Calum there was no going back.

"Rule number four, if one of us decides it's time to fake break up, the other has to agree without questions. And number five, we can't tell anyone about this arrangement."

"I'm going to tell Joss."

"No, you're not."

"She's my best friend." And there's  _no way_  she'll believe that Luke and I suddenly started dating.  _No way._

"She'll tell Michael five seconds after you tell her," Luke argues, locking his phone and putting it back into his jeans pocket. Unfortunately, he's annoyingly right. "And Michael can't keep his mouth shut about anything. If we want this to work, we tell no one."

I simply nod, because as much as I don't want to hide this from Joss, I agree with what Luke is saying. And then I ask something that's been gnawing away at me since Luke arrived here earlier "Why are you doing this?"

"Let's just say that this arrangement is going to be mutually beneficial," he winks.

"How so?"

"I've had my eye on someone for a while. I want to show her that I'm capable of being in a relationship," he shrugs, sparking my curiosity. He's never usually this vague, especially when it comes to details about girls.

"Who is it?"

"No one that you know," he says quickly and I leave it at that.

It's Sunday night, and Dad, Alfie and I are sitting at table, eating macaroni and cheese. I'm pretty sure it's the only thing my dad knows how to cook, and luckily it's Alfie's favourite.

"What's everyone been up to?" Dad asks. There are dark circles underneath his eyes, a sign of all the hours he's been working lately. I'd tell him to go to bed but he wouldn't listen. He feels guilty that he isn't home much.

"Ruby went to a party with Luke on Friday night," Alfie says quickly.

"Why'd you have to dob me in?" I ask, gently kicking his foot under the table. "I made you pancakes this morning!"

Alfie shrugs and Dad puts his fork down, "I thought we'd spoken about no parties on nights that I'm working," he says patiently.

"It's not like Alfie was here by himself. Finn babysat him."

"And he didn't even tell me to brush my teeth!" My nine year old brother says. Sometimes, because of how smart he is, I forget how young he is. He's capable of being such a brat sometimes.

"I was home by midnight, too," I add, trying to build my case. I don't know why he cared so much if I went out when he was working. I'd never leave Alfie here by himself or put him in danger.

"It's still the rule," he says, the frown lines heavy in his forehead. They've been there since Mum left. "I need to be able to trust you to run things when I'm not here."

I can see Alfie shrinking back in his seat, his big hazel eyes filled with guilt that he's ruined the one family dinner we've had all week.

"I'm sorry I broke the rule," I say quietly. "But I'm a seventeen year old, not a parent."

 

 

Luke meets me at my house the next morning so that we can ride to school together. Apparently this is a thing that couples do, Luke tells me, and I bite my tongue to stop myself from asking how he would know anything about relationships, given he's never been in one.

I find a vacant carpark and turn off the ignition. Luke hands me my bag and gives me a smile, "Ready?"

"No," I laugh. I'm not prepared enough for this at all. I've never been a great liar.

We walk towards the two tables where most of our friends are already sitting. Calum's there, talking to another boy named Heath, and Joss and Michael are there, holding hands and whispering things into each others ears.

Luke catches me off guard, lacing his fingers through mine and holding of my hand as we walk over to everyone. Even though I know it's fake, tiny nerves flood my stomach, growing as we get closer to our friends.

It's Michael who sees us first, and he nudges Joss who can barely tear her eyes away from his. When she does, her brown eyes double in size and she stands up, staring at Luke and I. "What the hell?" she shrieks.

 

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

"Why am I seeing Ruby and Luke holding hands?" Joss asks. All of our friends are staring at us now, Calum included. I notice his jaw is clenched, making his jawline more prominent than usual.

"Because we are holding hands," Luke says simply, sitting down on a vacant seat and dragging me down with him. He pulls me onto his lap and wraps his arms around my stomach. He's playing this more that I thought he would.

"One of you guys better explain yourselves real fast," Michael says.

Luke squeezes his arms tighter around me, "Tell them, Ruby."

"We're dating," I say as casually as I can. My cheeks feel like they're on fire.

"Yeah, right," Heath laughs. "Like Hemmings would ever settle down."

"We're dating, not getting married," Luke glares at him, and then brushes a piece of my strawberry blonde hair behind my ear. "And she's a special girl, this one." 

Out of the corner of my eye, I swear I see Luke look directly at Calum and for the first time, I wonder if this plan might actually work. Joss and Michael are still staring at us, their faces screwed up like they can't believe this is really happening. 

I still can't believe this is really happening.

"When did this happen?" Joss asks, probably wondering why I didn't text her the minute it happened.

"Friday night," Luke says quickly, which is lucky because I am about to answer with  _Saturday morning._ "After Ashton's party. We walked home together, and then Ruby kissed me, and I just knew I had to make her mine," his face turns from our audience to mine. "Isn't that right, baby?"

I smile as wide as I can, "It sure is... darling."

The boys all shrug and resume their conversations, including Calum. However, Joss, is still staring at me. "Luke, can I have your girlfriend for a moment?"

The two of us set off for the girls bathroom, with her dragging me by my elbow the entire time. Once we're inside, I pretend to be fixing up my hair in the mirror while Joss stands behind me with her arms folded. "You and Luke,  _really?_ "

"Yes, really," I say, my eyes not meeting hers in the reflection.

"But why?" Her nose screws up. "It's...  _Luke._  He's lanky and like, weirdly obsessed with his Mum, and he's never had a relationship more serious than a one night stand."

"Hey," I frown, feeling surprisingly defensive over my fake relationship. Maybe it's not real, but he's still my best friend and while Luke has his flaws, he is a good person. "He's also really sweet when he wants to be, and he makes me laugh, and he cares about me."

"But what about Calum?"

_Uh-oh._

I hadn't thought about how I'd explain this one. It's easy to say nice things about Luke because I really do believe all of those things. My feelings towards Calum are harder to fake though, and now my heart is racing beneath my white school blouse as I lie, "I don't like him anymore."

"Since when?" Joss rolls her eyes dramatically.

"Since Friday night?" I turn to face her and unfortunately my answer sounds more like a question.  _Way to be convincing, Ruby._

She's staring at me, evaluating me with my brown eyes, trying to figure out if I'm telling the truth or not. The longer she stares, the more nervous I'm becoming. This was never going to work. She's my best friend, of course she'll see right through me. I may as well just give myself up now.

"Okay," she smiles suddenly, and I blink at her. Maybe my best friend doesn't know me as well as I think she does.

"Okay," I smile back, the two of us leaving the bathroom to head to class. Then, when my heart has resumed to it's regular pace she adds, "I guess this is the end of your virgin days then."

 

I'm in Legal Studies now which is coincidentally my favourite class but our teacher hasn't arrived yet (he's the most unorganised teacher I've ever had) which is a good thing because Joss's words are nagging away at me. I think about telling her that I'm not ready to have sex, but she knows I've been ready to jump Calum for at least six months now.

I take advantage of the absent teacher and text Luke.

**To Luke: That was quite a show you put on this morning.**

**From Luke: just showing everyone how much i love my girlfriend ;)**

**From Luke: change my contact name to boyfriend. with like a heart emoji or something**

**To Luke: You're taking this way too far.**

**To Luke: Joss thinks we're going to have sex.**

**From Luke: jeez ruby. i told you no sex. control yourself**

**To Luke: You're a pig.**

**From Luke: but you love me ;) see you after school baby**

I roll my eyes, sliding my phone back into the pocket of my red plaid skirt as Mr Fields walks in. If this charade of ours lasts for longer than a week, I'll be surprised.

"Psst," someone whispers from behind me. "Ruby."

After glancing at our teacher, who's too busy setting up his laptop to notice anything, I turn around to see Tess, a blonde girl I only really know as Heath's girlfriend. "Heath and I are going to the movies after school. You and Luke should come with."

She smiles at me, as if we're friends even though we've never spoken before. "I can't," I answer just as casually. "I have to pick up my little brother from school."

"Next time then," she smiles, and then adds. "You two are really cute together. I can tell her really likes you."

I smile weakly, before turning back around. If only she knew.

 


	10. Chapter 10

Alfie's all smiles and messy blonde hair when he climbs into the back seat of my car. "Hi Luke!" 

"Hey buddy," Luke turns his head to smile at him. "How was school?"

"Lily Brashford vomited when we were doing our spelling words," he said thoughtfully. "And I got all of my times tables right."

"That's great," Luke says. "I mean the times tables thing, not the vomiting thing."

"And hello adoring big sister, how are you?" I add, feeling like I'm invisible to both boys even though I'm the one driving the car.

"Hi Ruby, how are you? Did Calum smile at you today?" Alfie asks in the most monotonous tone. 

The only reason he knows so much about my crush on Calum is because he used to hide in my closet and listen to mine and Joss's phone conversations.  _Little Brat._

"My day was... interesting," I answered honestly. All that hand holding and Luke calling me  _baby_  ceased the moment we hopped into the car but it was still weird. The most intimate thing that's ever occurred between Luke and I today was the occasional brushing of arms when we've been watching a movie or something.

"How come you're picking me up from school too?" Alfie asks Luke.

"Ruby and I have decided to carpool for a while," Luke answers. I slide my eyes over to him, silently begging for him to come up with a better explanation because Alfie is a smart kid. "My car is... broken." I glare at Luke and he just shrugs, then turns up the radio for the rest of the car ride home.

 

Dad walks into the kitchen at 6pm which is weird, because his schedule on the fridge says that he's supposed to be on night shift.

"Are you okay?" I ask, thinking maybe he's sick or something and look up from the pot of risotto that's on the stove top.

"I'm fine," He kisses the back of my head and gently takes the wooden spoon from my hand.

"Why are you home then?"

"I'm giving you the night off," he answers. Just like Finn and Alfie, Dad's dirty blonde hair is sort of long and shaggy. If you didn't know him, you might think he's a surfer or a yoga instructor. "You were right. You're seventeen and I'm the only parent in this house. I know things are tough..." 

My stomach clenches as I brace myself for what's coming. He's probably about to cry, like he still does whenever he talks about Mum. Honestly, I wish the poor guy would just get out there and date someone new. She's never coming back. Maybe it's easier to accept these things when you're younger.

"It's okay, Dad," I tell him. "I'll try to be more understanding of our situation," I say, hoping to defuse the situation. "Alfie's already doing his homework. Thanks for finishing off dinner."

 

Up in my bedroom, I'm half writing a practice English essay and half stalking Calum on Instagram when Joss sends me a text.

**From Joss: are you nervous?**

**To Joss: About what?**

**From Joss: losing your v-card!!**

I groan. Is she seriously still thinking about this? Luke and I have only been  _dating_  for one day, or three days if you go by Luke's story that this all started on Friday night. 

Anyway, I'm quietly thankful that she's texting me rather than talking to me about this over the phone. I'd die if Alfie overheard Joss talking about Luke and I having sex. 

Actually, I'd die if Alfie heard Joss talking about me having sex with _anyone._ I shudder at the mere thought.

**To Joss: I don't know if I'm ready yet so can we stop talking about this.**

**From Joss: what?? you've been ready for ages now**

**To Joss: And now I'm not so just leave it. Sex isn't everything.**

**From Joss: it is to boys like luke**

I throw my phone down on my bed, not bothering to reply. I'm actually angry at my best friend for making such a big deal about this. Just because her and Michael can't keep their hands off of each other, doesn't mean Luke and I have to be the same.

I mean, if we were  _actually_  dating.

And unlike Joss, I'm not easily pressured. When her and Michael first slept together, I think it was mostly because of Mikayla's influence more than anything. From what I've heard, she used to have a bit of a reputation for sleeping around.

Shit. That reminds me.

**To Joss: Does Mikayla still need her car fixed? Finn said he'd to it for her if she wants to drop by the garage.**

**From Joss: yeah sure. i'll let her know**

**From Joss: ps. we should go on a double date soon**


	11. Chapter 11

"Dude, get that shit away from me."

It's lunch time and Michael's making a gagging face at Luke, who's holding a kale and lime smoothie in his hand.

"It's good for you," Luke frowns, taking a sip of the green liquid. "Right, Joss?"

"That's right," she beams, taking a sip of her own identical green smoothie. She's really into healthy food and is always trying to convince us to try weird food trends. Like kale smoothies, and chia seed pudding. I'd rather a donut or a simple fruit salad any day.

Luke's tongue licks a drop of green smoothie away from the corner of his mouth, "Yum," he says enthusiastically. I'm pretty sure he's actually teasing Joss but I don't say anything. "Do you want a sip, babe?"

He hands it out to me and I screw up my nose, "Nope, I don't want to catch any diseases from you. Who knows where your mouth has been."

The words are out before I can stop them and Luke gives an awkward chuckle, while Joss and Michael stare at us.  _Uh, oh._  That's not something you say to the boy you're dating. To make the silence worse, I can't think of a single thing to say. Could the damn bell for class just ring?

"Baby," Luke says, saving me from the awkward silence. "You don't have to play hard to get anymore. I'm all yours."

He holds the drink out to me and I take a sip - and, actually, it's not too bad - "Sorry,  _baby,_ " my insides are cringing with every pet name exchanged between us."It's just that I - "

"You hid your affection for me for so long, it's a habit now?" Luke tilts his head to the side in a cocky manner, almost laughing when the bell finally goes.

"Yeah, something like that," I mutter, as he presses his lips to my cheek.

 

I sit alone in Government, as usual. When Luke found out I picked it as a class, he teased me saying that it was a nerd class. And I teased him right back, saying that I might like nerd subjects but at least I hadn't had two chlamydia scares in the matter of one month.

Anyway, I sit alone at the back of the class because all of the smart kids sit with the other smart kids, and no one else I hang out with chooses subjects like Government.

Mr Yomati sets up his laptop, projects a mind-map onto the board and then tells us to copy it down in our notebooks. Unlike the rest of the teachers at this school, Mr Yomati doesn't believe in students using technology for class notes. Having to write everything out by hand is my least favourite thing about this class.

Still, it doesn't take me long to copy it down - I work surprisingly fast when I don't have anyone to talk to - and so I pretend to be researching my essay topic from phone, but really I'm staring at a text from Joss.

**From Joss:  how come i never knew you liked luke? i'm supposed to be your best friend**

With a loud sigh, I shake my head.  _Nice one, Luke_. 

I feel like we've spent all week creating more lies to cover up this giant lie and it's already exhausting. At least tomorrow is Friday, and then I can spend the weekend not having to pretend to date Luke.

I'm honestly starting to think this was all just a big mistake. Joss and Michael seem suspicious of us, and aside from the initial interest from Calum when Luke and I walked into school holding hands, I haven't been on his radar any more than usual.

Maybe we should just stop this now before it goes any further.

**From Joss: were you embarrassed or something? what else have been hiding from me?**

Another sigh. This time Janis Michael's turns around and glares at me. She has thick black hair and even thicker black glasses. She thinks everyone hates her because she's the smartest girl in our class, but really, she's just an intolerable person.

"Whatever drama you've got going on, can you sigh a little quieter? Some of us are actually trying to get some work done," she says, before turning around again.  _See what I mean?_

**To Joss: I was just scared, I guess. You tell Michael everything. Sometimes it feels like we can't have any secrets that are ours only**

That's actually a pretty honest answer. I mean, aside from the whole Luke thing. Sometimes I feel like I can't tell Joss certain things because she repeats _everything_ to Michael. Plus, he reads her text messages sometimes, so I've had to learn to censor those. 

Only after he read one too many of my Calum fantasies.  _Talk about embarrassing._

**From Joss: :(**

**From Joss: i'm so sorry ruby**

**From Joss: i'll try to be better at keeping secrets okay?**

I sigh again, almost a little louder just to bother Janis Michael's. 

**To Joss: Okay :)**

**To Joss: I'm happy you're my best friend :)**

And against my better judgement,  I send one last message.

**To Joss: Let's go on that double date soon**

 

 

 

My dad has the afternoon off work so he picks Alfie up from school and then they go out to do the grocery shopping. This means I have an entire afternoon free with the whole house to myself, something that almost never happens.

The first thing I do is have a shower. Actually, it's the second thing I do after eating the two strawberry donuts that were in the fridge. I wash my hair while blasting Fall Out Boy and singing at the top of my lungs. When I get out, I wrap the towel around me and walk into my bedroom, and practically drop the towel when I see Luke sitting on my bed.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I scream as Luke looks up from his phone. "You can't just sneak into my room like this!"

A stupid smirk crosses his face after his eyes trail down my body.  _Typical boy._  I hug the towel a little tighter. "Do you have plans this afternoon?"

"Actually, yes. I've got the house to myself and I'm planning on spending the whole afternoon eating snacks and watching Netflix." 

Luke's eyebrows raise, "You've got the house to yourself, hey?"

"Yes, and don't get any perverted ideas. We agreed on no sex."

"I know the rules," he laughs. "But I could leave so you can...," he pauses. "Take care of yourself, if you like. You seem a little tense."

I roll my eyes and dig my fingers further into the white towel. I'm literally dating a sex addict, I swear. "Did you break into my house just to annoy me?"

"Oh," Luke stands up, seemingly remembering why he climbed through my window in the first place. "I need you to drive me somewhere."

"What? Why?"

"My car is undriveable."

"What happened to it?" I frown.

"The tires were slashed."

"Are you serious? Which of your crazy one night stands did that?" This isn't the first time Luke's tires have been slashed. This is actually the forth time.

Luke bites into his lip, "I did it."

 _What?_  "You slashed your own tires?"

"I thought it would make this more believable," he shrugs.

I'm actually speechless. He should have just stuck with the story that he told Alfie about his car not working at the moment. "You're such an idiot."

Luke sits back down on the bed and I walk over to my dresser, getting out a fresh pair of denim shorts and a loose black t-shirt.

"So, you'll give me a lift?"

"If you get out so I can get dressed," I say, gesturing towards the door. "Where am I driving you to?"

And then a huge smile crosses Luke's lips as he answers, "Calum's."


	12. Chapter 12

"Stop fixing your hair."

"I'm not fixing it," I lie, moving my left hand from my hair and back onto the steering wheel. I wish I hadn't have washed my hair. Luke wouldn't even let me blow dry it before we left.

"Calum won't even notice your wet hair. Especially when you're wearing that top," Luke says and I take my eyes off of the road for a moment to stare at him. "I'm your best friend, Ruby. I can always tell what you're thinking about."

"What am I thinking about now then?" I ask, stopping at the red traffic light.

"You're questioning whether that top is too low cut."  _Damn it. How did he know that?_ "It's not, by the way."

Uncomfortable talking about my boobs with Luke, I turn up the radio and stare at the red light, waiting for it to turn green.

I've never technically been to Calum's house but I've driven past it a bunch of times, usually on my way to Joss's house, even though I have to take the long way to go past Calum's. Gosh, that makes me sound like a creep, I'm not. If you knew Calum you'd understand. It's hard not to be infatuated by someone who is equally hot yet adorable.

The light goes green and I turn left. Luke's humming along to the radio. "What are you doing at Calum's anyway?"

"Hanging out."

"Does he know I'm driving you there?"

"I didn't mention it, if that's what you mean."

"Okay," I breathe. "So, do you have a plan or did you just genuinely need a lift?"  _Since you slashed your own tires._

Luke laughs and grabs my knee gently with his hand. "Relax, I've got this covered." He squeezes my knee tighter and my body tenses up.

"I can't relax with your hand on my knee like that." 

"Why? Am I turning you on?" He moves it before I can swat it away.

"No," I laugh. "I just don't like you touching me."

"Oh, that's right. I forgot you're saving yourself for Calum," Luke lies. I know it's a lie and he didn't forget because he teases me about this all the time.

"I'm not saving myself for him," I say, my cheeks feeling a bit hotter than usual.

It's true, I'm not saving myself for Calum. It's just that I can't think of any other boy I know that I'd like to be intimate with. I'm not really attracted to any of the other boys at our school. They're all sort of, boring, I guess. Just your typical teenage boys. Calum's different.

"I'd explore other options if I were you. I heard he has a small penis."

"Shut up," I roll my eyes. Last year, Calum's nude snapchat was leaked and spread around the whole school. Luke knows - and I know - that he definitely can't be classified as small. 

The conversation ends then because Luke's on his phone and I'm looking down the street where Calum's house sits at the end. Like most of the houses in this area, Calum's house is two stories and huge, with a large front yard that's lined with rose bushes.

I park my car and wait for Luke to get out, but instead he slides his phone back into the pocket of his black jeans and smiles at me.

"Are you waiting for something?"

"Yes," he answers simply, not giving anything else away. Sometimes I think Luke thinks of himself like James Bond or something; all mysterious and good-looking, with an endless supply of gorgeous women around him.

Right on cue, Luke looks out the car window to the front door of the house where Calum is now standing and my stomach does a flip. He's dressed in all black and his hair is sort of combed over at the front. His lips are sort of pushed together in the way that makes me want to push him against a wall and kiss him roughly.

Calum gives a short wave and I give him a huge smile, waving back at him like a dork. "Stop doing that," Luke mumbles under his breath. "You look like a dork."

I drop my hand but keep smiling, because Calum's still watching us. "Do you need me to pick you up?"

"Only if that's not too much trouble, _baby._ "

I resist rolling my eyes, "You don't have to call me baby in here. Calum can see us, he can't hear us."

"Oh," Luke glances back out at Calum for a second. "Good point."

Before I can react, Luke's unclipped his seatbelt and his hands are on either side of my face. He presses his lips to mine softly, and I'm completely shocked that I can't manage to push him off me when he parts my lips with his tongue.

Effortlessly, his tongue finds mine and somehow, I'm kissing Luke back even though I have no idea what's going on. It's as if my body has a mind of it's own. His hands are pressed into my cheeks firmly while my own hands - possibly the only part of my body that isn't reacting - sit awkwardly in my lap

And then pulls away, kissing my forehead quickly and making eye contact for just a second, "Laters, baby," he says, referencing 50 Shades of Grey. I only get the reference because he sat in my room and read the first book aloud to me one afternoon. "I'll text you later."

He shuts the car door and I watch him walk up to Calum's house, the two of them giving each other one of those weird boy hugs, all while my heart is racing because Luke and I just kissed. 

Luke kissed me.

I kissed Luke back.

All while Calum was watching us.

I can't even ring Joss and talk this over with her because she thinks we're dating and therefore, would kiss all of the time.

And the strangest part of it al  isn't that Luke just kissed me or that I kissed him back, it's that I actually enjoyed it.

Maybe fake-dating Luke isn't going to be so bad after all.


	13. Chapter 13

Dad and Alfie are pulling into the driveway at the exact time I am. I quickly check my reflection in the rear-view mirror before getting out of the car.

"Ruby, ruby!" Alfie says excitedly, getting out of the car. He's still in his school uniform. "Dad bought two kinds of ice-cream,"

"Awesome!" I say, helping Dad take the bags of groceries inside. It's the first time in months that I can remember my dad doing the food shopping. I start unpacking the cold stuff into the freezer first and frown when I see the two tubs. "You got rainbow and double chocolate."

"Is that not right?" Dad asks, also frowning and then shaking his head. "That's not right, is it?"

"I like rocky road.  _Finn_  likes double chocolate." This is what happens when you're the middle child. You're easily forgotten.

Dad's face crumples and I hear him swear under his breath. I get the feeling that he isn't swearing over getting the wrong ice-cream flavour. "It's fine," I assure him, because I know he's trying his best. I'm not talking about the ice-cream either.

I look past his head and notice the illuminated green time on the microwave, "I'll put the rest of this away. Go and get ready for work."

He gives me this weak smile and then disappears from the kitchen. That's when I notice Alfie has already grabbed the tub of rainbow ice-cream and is digging into it with a spoon.

"Uh, not before dinner, kiddo," I say, taking the tub away from him. He pokes his tongue out at me and then puts the spoon he was using into the sink. 

"Can Luke come over for dinner?" he asks, leaning forward so that his elbows are resting on the bench.

"He's at a friends house." And I'm not sure if I can sit at the table eating dinner with Luke and Alfie without giving away the kiss that happened just before. I'm still a bit rattled by it, to be honest.

"What friend?"

"Calum's," I answer quickly and then change the subject. "Have you given any thought to what you want for your birthday?"

It's only February and his birthday isn't until April, but like most kids, Alfie likes to get a head start on writing his gift list.

"I want a dog," he answers, his face all round and bright.

"A dog?" I wonder if I could convince Dad. "What about a guinea pig?"

"No way. A dog. Actually, a puppy, to be more specific."

"Puppies are a lot of work," I tell Alfie. They're also a lot of fun, and they're cute and cuddly, and I suddenly I'm wondering how much trouble I'd get in if I just adopted a rescue dog without talking to Dad about it first.

"I can handle it. The work, I mean." My brother pushes his glasses further up his nose and stares at me. Even though he'll be ten soon, he still has those big eyes that babies have.

"You can't even get your dirty laundry into the basket," I point out, and then start taking out the vegetables to chop up for dinner. 

Alfie goes to his room - he's nearly finished the first Mortal Instruments book, he tells me - and I think more about this whole puppy thing. We could get a boy named Rocky or a girl named Poppy. And Alfie and I could take him for walks after school, and to the dog park on weekends.

In between prepping dinner, I keep checking my phone. I finish cutting the vegetables. I peel the potatoes for the mash potato and then, as I'm putting the chicken into the oven to roast, my phone beeps.

**From Luke: calums driving me home. see you in the morning ;-) x**

 

After dinner, I call Joss. She's venting about Mikayla because she stole Joss's favourite white skirt and then ruined it by spilling red wine over it. "You're so lucky you don't have a sister," she sighs once she's finished.

"I guess," I say, even though I don't think it would be that bad. Sometimes it's lonely being the only girl in our family.

"Oh wait," she says suddenly. "Are you guys free on Saturday night?"

"I'm free. Dad's home that night."

"Mum and Dad are going away for the weekend so I thought I'd throw a little party."

"Yeah, sounds good. Who are you inviting?"

"Michael, obviously. You and Luke, Tess and Heath, Angie and - "

"What about Calum?" 

"Calum?" I can hear her screwing up her nose. _Oops_. "Why would I invite Calum? It's a _couples_ party, Ruby."

"Yeah, right. Sorry. I wasn't thinking straight."  _Yeah, no shit, Ruby._

"What would Luke say if he knew you wanted me to invite Calum?"

"Um," I shrug, trying to figure out an appropriate answer. "He's not the jealous type, actually."

"Really? I always had him picked to be one of those insanely jealous types. You know, so jealous it's sort of a turn-on. Like in that movie, what was it called? The one where the guy meets that girl at the bar and - "

I feel bad but I tune out then. Joss is going on and on about some romance movie and I'm staring out my bedroom window which faces Luke's house.

I'm still sitting there half an hour later, long after I get off the phone to Joss and then I see Calum's black car pull up out the front, and Luke climbing out of the passenger seat. I end up falling to the floor as I try to duck quickly, hoping neither of them see me. The last thing I want is Calum to think I'm some crazy girlfriend who stares at her boyfriend's house, waiting for him to come home.

My phone beeps and I unlock the phone to see a message from **Luke: nice try but we both saw you. calum said it was cute you were waiting up for me :-) sweet dreams**

 


	14. Chapter 14

"Put your hand up if you're planning on going to university next year." Almost our entire English class put their hands up. Myself included.

"Now," Mrs Mackey continues, "keep your hand up if you've thought about which universities you'd like to apply for." Most of the class put their hands down. Myself included.

"I thought as much," Our English teacher says with a soft smile. "It's time to start thinking about it, especially if you're one of the students hoping for early acceptance." She raised an eyebrow at eye, and then began talking about  _A Midsummer Night's Dream._

I hate the way teachers are so smug. Would it kill them to think back to their teenage years and remember what a gruelling time it is to be seventeen? We're flooded with hormones and then there's the pressure from everyone: parents, teachers, our peers. We're fighting acne and trying to figure out what we want to do for the rest of our lives, all while juggling feelings and relationships and friendships. It's so exhausting sometimes.

It's probably easier for the kids who don't care about their grades. People like Joss who can afford to go to a good university, and thanks to her family's money, can still can in on average grades with a hefty donation towards building a new library or scholarship program.

Me on the other hand? If I don't want to be stuck in the same old house playing Mum to Alfie, then I was going to keep working my butt off to get good grades so I could get into uni. And hopefully I'll figure out exactly what it is I want to  _do_ before admissions close for next year.

At lunch time, I see Joss talking to Tess and Heath. As I get closer, I hear her inviting them to her party on Saturday night. Michael's next to her, listening to every word as if Joss's casual conversation is hauntingly beautiful poetry or something. Every so often, he touches her hair. Tess and Heath are sitting side by side with their hands laced together and I find myself looking around for Luke.

Is this what Year 12 would be like if I weren't fake-dating Luke? Would I just be that awkward extra person in every social situation?

**To Luke: where are you?**

I lean back and glance over to where Calum's sitting. He's laughing about something, a rare but beautiful sight. His eyes crinkle at the sides and his smile is seemingly taking up his entire face.

A hand grips my shoulders and I look up to see Luke standing behind me. He kisses my forehead while handing me a bottle of orange juice. "I was tempted to get you a kale smoothie," he teases with a slight laugh.

"Thanks," I'm smiling as his slips into the seat next to me. Our knees brush under the table and I'm staring down at my juice, trying not to give away how happy I am to have him here.

"What are they talking about?" he whispers. Our knees are still touching and there's something comforting about the fact that no one is looking underneath the table. It's a little moment that's just ours, and not entirely for show.

"Joss's party."

"Party? What party?"

Somehow Luke's question spikes Joss's attention and she stops talking to Tess and Heath, "You didn't tell him?" She looks at me with raised eyebrows before directing her attention to Luke. "I'm throwing a party on Saturday night. It's a couples party. Ruby was supposed to invite you."

She doesn't hide the annoyance in her voice which is almost ironic given that it's usually _her_  that forgets things, and  _me_ getting annoyed.

"I'll be there," Luke answers and I want to roll my eyes at him even though he's Luke and I know he'd never turn down a party.

I didn't really forget to tell Luke about it. I've been trying to decide if I really want to go at all. At first I wasn't sure why I felt so hesitant. Dad was actually going to be home which meant a rare night out without feeling guilty or having to bribe Finn to look after Alfie. I'd decided that it's not because it's going to be all couples or because it's a whole night that Luke and I have to play happy couple. 

It's because I'm still kind of angry at Joss for what she said the other night, about sex being everything to boys like Luke. And for not accepting that maybe I'm just not ready.

She is supposed to be my best friend. She isn't supposed to judge me or pressure me for not wanting to have sex yet. That's another lie in all of those stupid romantic comedies she makes me watch. The female protagonist always has this epic best friend who's there for every ounce of heartbreak and happiness, and offers witty commentary instead of judgement.

That sort of friendship just doesn't exist when you're seventeen.

"You okay?" Luke whispers, and I realise I've zoned out. His hand is resting on my knee and as I turn my head to meet his eyes, we're breathing in the same oxygen and I'm reminded of the kiss inside my car when I dropped him off at Calum's.

"Yeah," I smile softly. "I'm okay."

 


	15. Chapter 15

Dad and Alfie ditched me to go to the movies.

Is this what my life has come to? I can't even get my own flesh and blood to hang out with me on a Saturday night.

To give them credit, they did try to get me to go along with them. Well, Dad did. I could tell Alfie was really excited to spend some time with just Dad, which is why I faked a smile and told them to go and enjoy themselves. Alfie deserves it.

After watching the car headlights reverse out of the drive way and down the road, I think to myself that this will be good for me. No one to fight over the tv with. No interruptions. Maybe I'll even have a read of the course catalog I downloaded from the uni's website this morning.

I sit down the couch and begin flicking through the channels. There's nothing on that grabs my interest, of course. There never is. Isn't that why Netflix was invented? I settle for a Will & Grace repeat, but having never watched it before, I have no idea what's going on.

My phone is unusually quiet in my lap because the only people who really text me are Dad, Luke and Joss. The movie is probably just about to start, and Luke would just be getting to Joss's party now. I shift my weight around the couch, trying to get comfortable and check my phone again.

It feels a little strange that Luke went along to the party without me. Maybe if I'd told him that I didn't want to go, he wouldn't have gone either. Joss isn't that accepting though. I texted them both earlier today saying I had a stomach ache and wouldn't be able to make it. At this point, what was one more lie?

It wasn't like Joss wouldn't give me a complete play by play tomorrow, so I try not to worry about missing out on anything. Instead, I wonder what Calum's doing tonight. Maybe he's having a quiet night in, curled up with his favourite book. Or maybe he's sitting on his bed listening to music, a concentrated frown etched into his brows.

Maybe he's at another party somewhere, laughing until his eyes crinkle, like he was at school on Friday.

My stomach does a weird flip when I think about the girl who could be making him laugh right now, and what they could end up doing before the night was over. My stomach turns over again. I guess they call this jealousy. 

Leaving the tv on to fill the silence of the empty house, I go upstairs to my room and sit on my bed with my laptop. The catalog of degrees is already open and I start scrolling through, hoping I'll have more luck here than I did with the tv.

I remember what Mrs Mackey said about narrowing down our passions, and with that in mind I start making a list in my head: I like people, I guess. I like helping people too. Though they're hardly passions. Right?

I'm not really one for writing or art, and unlike Luke who has the voice of an angel and fingers that were crafted to play guitar, I'm certainly not musically gifted at all. I can't sew. I'm at best a mediocre cook and that's only because I've had to learn.

The words are blurring together to create one giant university degree when I hear a knock at the front door and I shut the lid on my laptop, heading down to let Dad and Alfie inside. There's some satisfaction that when I go to the careers workshop next week, I have at least one thought in mind. That I want a career where I'll be helping people.

I'm asking how the movie was as I open the door but instead of Dad and Alfie, I see Luke's tall frame standing on the front step. He's wearing all black and holding a six pack of beer in his hand.

"I didn't expect to see you here," I say, moving to let Luke inside. "Aren't windows more your style?"

"Your dad's car isn't in the driveway. Figured the door was safe."

I roll my eyes, "My dad doesn't hate you, you know?"

"I've told you, Ruby. The man scares me! What if he thinks I've de-flowered his daughter? It's only a matter of time before I'm dead."

"De-flowered?" I repeat, laughing and accepting the beer that Luke is holding out to me. "What are you doing here anyway? I thought you were going to Joss's party."

We sit down on the couch together. Another episode of Will and Grace has started on the tv. "I did go," he tells me after holding his beer out and clinging it against mine. "Then I left."

"Why?"

Luke shrugs, "It was kind of lame. Joss and her sister were fighting. Michael was drunk off his ass. And I'm pretty sure Tess and Heath were having sex in the hot tub." He shrugs again. "It wasn't the same without you."

"Are you only saying that to try and make me feel better about missing it?"

"Maybe."

I roll my eyes. "I didn't want to go, Luke. You don't have to feel bad for me."

"You've been pretty grumpy the past few days. Is it, you know," he hesitates for a moment, taking a sip of his beer like he's buying himself an extra second. "... is it  _that time_?"

" _What_  time?" I ask with as much emphasis on the words as he used.

"You know..." His eyes go wide for a moment,  "Aunt Flow is in town. You're surfing the crimson wave. Parting the red sea - "

I don't hear anymore of his phrases because I'm leaning over my stomach laughing hard. Through my squinted eyes, I see Luke's face painted with embarrassment. "You're such a dork. Seriously, how do you keep it so under wraps at school?"

"The same way you keep it under wraps that you're smart and unlike most of the girls you hang around, you actually care about your grades." He's using his soft, serious voice. The one I like and the one that not many people get to hear.

I laugh again, "Everyone knows I'm in the nerd classes."

"You know what I mean."

I nod, and take a sip of my own beer. I do know what he means. Most of the my friends, well,  _Joss's_ friends, will take a gap year next year to travel around Europe. Or they'll get fashion internships at their Mum's labels, or entry level PR jobs because their Dad owes someone a favour.

Amongst our crowd, leaving school and going straight into uni to hopefully get a good job one day is a lifestyle choice. For me? It's a necessity.

"Why'd you bring beer if you knew I had a stomach ache?" Or  _thought_ I'd had a stomach ache.

Luke's eyes slid over to meet mine, "You can't fool me, Ruby. Not even through text."

Headlights shine on the front window and create little splinters of light into the loungeroom. Our eyes widen at each other and time stops for a few seconds as I evaluate the situation. Without saying anything to Luke, I nod towards the remaining four beers on the coffee table which he grabs and then descends the stairs two at a time.

I'm not far behind him but when I get into my room, Luke's already hidden himself and the beer in my wardrobe. I hide mine behind a cushion on my bed, hoping it doesn't spill. Luke's wrong about my dad. He does not hate him and as far as Dad's go, he's actually not that scary.

But I don't want to find out how scary he could turn if he comes home to find Luke and I drinking, underage and alone in the house.

When he opens my bedroom door a moment later, my laptop is open and I'm looking at the course catalog again. "How was the movie?" I say with as much innocence as I can muster. I suck a mustering.

Dad looks around my room and my eyes follow his, fearing I've left something out that would give us away. "It was good. And your night...?"

He's still looking around the room with that detective gaze and I've got nothing but a guilty smile to hide behind my laptop screen. "I'm just looking at uni degrees."

"Anything good?" Dad relaxes a little, leaning against the door frame with a smile on his face.  _Shit. I know that smile._

"Yeah, actually. I'm looking at nursing or maybe psychology," My voice is at least an octave higher and Dad's smile widens even more.

"Since you've got it all figured out, maybe you could help Luke find a degree."

I knew he knew. I'm choking silently on air and after the longest three seconds of my life, Luke walks out of my wardrobe with a pale face. "Good evening, sir."

"You know that hiding makes you look guilty?" I can tell Dad's trying not to laugh at Luke who looks petrified. "And next time you want to hide? Don't leave your shoes at the front door."


	16. Chapter 16

One Tuesday night, after I've cooked dinner and supervised Alfie doing the washing up - part of his  _prove I'm responsible enough for a dog plan_ \- the two of us retreat to our separate bedrooms. After making a start on an assignment, I end up poking my head into Alfie's room just to check on him.

His small frame is sprawled across his bed, as he curls over a book with his back to the door. It's so quiet that I'm holding my breath as I watch him for a few minutes, and sadness washes over me. He's just a kid. He shouldn't be holed up in his room like this after dinner. He should be in the living room playing board games or doing his homework under the watchful eye of Mum or Dad.

Without him noticing me, I back out of his doorframe and pad back down the hallway to my room. On the way I pass the last photo of Mum in the whole entire house. Finn and I slowly packed the others away after she left. It wasn't easy, but we'd caught Dad staring at them longingly one too many times. It was hard enough on him without seeing her face in every room. 

We agreed to leave this last one up for Alfie's sake, but I think there was a small piece of Finn and I that weren't ready to erase her entirely either.

The photo hangs on the wall, the five of us perched awkwardly in front of a tacky red backdrop and a fake fireplace. Alfie's face is all chubby, the last of his baby weight clutching to his cheeks as he smiles a crooked smile. He's sitting on Mum's lap and beside her is Dad, the corners of his eyes crinkled from his goofy grin. Finn and I stand either side of Mum, Dad and Alfie, with Finn pulling the  _I'm-too-cool-to-be-here_  pose, but his eyes say it all: he was happy. We were happy.

I'm in my room for all of five minutes before Luke climbs through the window. I've gotten so used to him doing this, I don't even look up from my phone. We've fallen into this little pattern; driving to school together, picking up Alfie together, hanging out most evenings. At school I wait for him after English, and he brings me a fresh juice or a donut at lunch. It's just like our friendship was before but with a little something extra. A friendship with frosting, I guess. And a sprinkle of fake-relationship lies. 

Luke says nothing as he joins me on the bed, stretching his neck to see what I'm looking at. The phone drops onto my stomach quickly as I try to hide the fact that I was stalking Calum's Instagram. "Calum's more into Snapchat," Luke says with a slight laugh, taking my phone and frowning at the lock screen of Joss and I. "What happened to our lock screen?" he pouts playfully.

"Joss changed it," I tell him while watching Luke change it back to the photo of us we'd taken a few days after we started 'dating'. We're in my car and his lips are pressed to my cheek. I was laughing when he took the photo and it's slightly blurry and out of focus, but maybe if I wasn't trapped in this lie I could believe the two people in the photo are actually in love. 

When Luke gives me my phone back I take the opportunity to create a passcode. "I thought you were having dinner with your Mum."

"I did. And now I'm here," he runs his hand through his hair. "She was being hell weird too. She kept saying things about how I was growing up so fast and how next year she'll be alone. I think she's having a midlife crisis or something."

"Alone?" I frown.

"Yeah, if I go to uni or whatever," Luke answers obviously.

"Oh, yeah. Of course."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing?" I smile, hoping he doesn't notice the way my voice goes up a level.

He laughs, and moves closer towards me on the bed. "Come on, just tell me."

"It's just," I'm pulling down the sleeves of my sweater, trying to decide how to say this. I don't want to say  _we haven't talked about our plans for next year_  because I know how it's going to sound. It's going to sound like I'm a needy and clingy girlfriend which wouldn't actually be as bad as sounding like a needy and clingy fake girlfriend.

Then he touches my hand and for some reason, I flinch and this makes my hand jerk back and hit him in the face. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry." I'm sitting up onto my knees, taking Luke's face between my hands. His own hands are covering his eyes and I'm apologising profusely. "Are you okay? Let me see. I'm so sorry."

Finally Luke moves his hands and while there is a red mark underneath his eye, he's smiling and nodding. I breathe out in relief and suggest we watch something on Netflix, happy that the conversation has been forgotten for now.

An hour into 22 Jump Street, Luke tells me that it's time to take things to the next level. 

He rolls onto his stomach as he says this, putting his face way too close to mine. The air is heavy with his cologne and I find myself shuffling over slightly, creating some space between us while inside my stomach twists over on itself.

"N- next level?" I manage to ask. Surely he doesn't mean -

"With you and Calum," he answers quickly, frowning at me as if it were obvious.

"Oh. Yeah, sure," I nod, feeling strangely disappointed which is unnerving to say the least. Calum was the whole reasoning between this whole fake relationship. Well, Calum and Luke's mystery girl. "What'd you have in mind?"

"Ashton's having a party next Friday."

"Didn't he just have a party?" I ask. Actually, it's more of a whine. I'm not sure my ego has recovered since Ashton's last party which ironically started all of this mess.

"That was almost a month ago," Luke answers, his eyes darting up for a split second, and a smile crossing his face. "Happy Almost-One-Month Anniversary," he says sincerely.

"It's not an anniversary unless there's presents involved," I joke.

"What do you want?" He asks with a look of worry.

"Luke, it was a joke. I don't want a present."

He relaxes a little, "Do you think you'll be able to come? To the party?"

I shrug, "I mean, I have to see if my Dad's working but if he's home I might be able to. What exactly does this have to do with Calum?"

Luke smiles knowingly, "You trust me, right?"

"Um, yeah," I answer unconvincingly. I do actually trust Luke, I just hate surprises. He smiles once more and we watch the rest of the movie in silence. Actually, while Luke watches the movie I think about me and Luke, and then me and Calum, and then Joss, and Alfie, and Dad, and what's going to happen next year when high school is over. 

Before Luke leaves that night I ask him if he's getting anywhere with his mystery girl, and he gives me one last toothy smile and answers, "It's been a slow start, but I think I'm finally getting somewhere."


	17. Chapter 17

"A few hours at that party and you won't even notice I'm not there," Joss says through the phone. "You'll be too busy with Luke."

I sigh, scanning my reflection in the mirror. Luke picked out the shortest black dress hanging in my closet. I do like the lace sleeves and the high neckline, and it's probably the most beautiful piece of clothing I own. Dad bought it for me about six months ago, joking that I wasn't allowed to wear it until I was 21.

Still, it's so short and seems so over the top for one of Ashton's party, but it it's all part of Luke's plan.  _Apparently._

"I told you, I'm not sleeping with Luke tonight."

"Why not?"

"Why do you care so much?" I ask and pick up my shoes from the floor. "You don't even sound sick by the way."

"You didn't sound sick when you cancelled on me either."

"So this is pay back?" I laugh bitterly,  not even shocked that Joss would be so childish. This is the exact reason I can't wait for high school to end.

"Look," she says in that voice that means she is going to ignore my remark. "Whatever you and Luke do is your business, but don't come crying to me when he sleeps with another girl. This is Luke we're talking about."

Something inside of me snaps, "You know what, Joss? You're right. It is Luke. And whether you like it or not, Luke respects me and if I say that I'm not ready to have sex, that's okay with him. He'd never pressure me into something I don't want to do. It's a pity you don't feel the same."

And then I hang up, throwing my phone down on the bed next to me. The screen is still glowing so I can see the time and I know that Luke will be here any moment, ready to drag me to this party no matter how angry I am.

I crouch down onto the floor and reach underneath my bed to grab another shoebox. When I open the top, I see a half full bottle of vodka and a glass. I unscrew the lid and pour some of the clear liquid into the glass, all of my actions rushed incase Dad decides to barge into my room.

The vodka burns my throat but a few minutes later, I feel slightly calmer.  _Slightly._

Joss has always been bossy and a little forceful, but she never used to try and pressure me into anything I didn't want to do. I mean, not really. She'd make me come along to watch stupid movies with her, and she did say that if I didn't tell Calum I like him, then she would.

Those things never really bothered me though. Not like this does.

"Ruby!" Dad calls out, and I almost drop the empty glass of vodka. "Luke's here."

I can't help but smile, knowing how much Luke hates using the front door when my Dad was home. "Coming!"

We hadn't told Dad about the party, of course. Some parents might be completely cool with hundreds of unsupervised teens drinking in a parent-free, countless empty-bedroomed house but my dad?  _No way._

A few months back, before Summer, I'd been honest about one party. Before I could leave the house he made me sit through an hour long PowerPoint presentation on the statistics of date rape, alcohol poisoning and car crashes involving drunk driving.

So now I use the usual story: we're going to the movies and afterwards, Luke's dropping me off at Joss's house. For some reason, Dad always believes us. Yeah, sometimes he gives Luke a hard time, just to tease him, but I know deep down he trusts Luke. More than he trusts Joss, actually.

Dad doesn't know Joss's family that well but he once used the phrase "more money than sense" when talking about her parents. I think he thinks Joss and Mikayla's parents give them too much freedom and privacy, and not enough boundaries. I was starting to think he was right.

When I get downstairs - with my red coat over the top of the black dress to fool my dad - Luke's by the front door, standing so straight and still, as if one sudden movement might have Dad throw him out of the house.

Dad and Alfie are on the lounge watching Star Wars and after the usual  _'safe driving'_ speech Luke and I are out of the front door and into the car.

I tell Luke he can drive since he knows the way better than I do, choosing to leave out the fact that I've already downed half a glass of straight vodka.

"Joss isn't coming," I say, purely as an open to start venting about her. "She's sick, apparently, and then we got into this huge argument."

"What about?"

"You," I answer immediately. I guess this is why people really did date their best friends sometimes. It's easy for me to talk to Luke about this sort of stuff. "She keeps asking when we're going to sleep together, and not just casually asking. She asks so forcefully and then doesn't listen to anything I say."

Looking mildly uncomfortable, Luke asks, "What did you tell her? When she asked?"

"I told her I'm not ready." Luke nods quietly, his face relaxing a little. "I know sex isn't a big deal to you but it is to me. I don't want my first time to be with someone I'll regret."

There's a frown, and then another understanding nod from Luke. "And you'd regret it if it was with me."

"That's not what I meant."

"I know."

The conversation falls and we sit in this weird silence for a few minutes. The houses around us are slowly getting bigger as we get closer to Ashton's suburb. 

"You still haven't told me your grand plan for tonight."

A small smile weaves its way across Luke's lips, "You'll see." 

There's already parked cars lining most of Ashton's street so we end up parking a fair walk away. We walk in silence until Ashton's house becomes in close view, then Luke takes my hand and instead of it feeling comforting or nice, it feels like we're both putting on a costume.

"Don't worry about Joss," he says. "She's just wired differently to you. And honestly, I wouldn't want your first time to be with me either, Ruby. You deserve someone better."

I don't really know what to say to that so I just nod. He tugs on my hand, forcing me to stop walking up the long driveway to Ashton's house. Between the music from inside and the large group of people crowding the front lawn, there's so much noise that we don't have to worry about anyone overhearing our conversation.

"I know things have been a bit different between us, since we started this whole fake relationship thing," Luke's staring at me with his blue eyes, the lights from Ashton's house reflecting against them. "But I want you to remember that I'm always your best friend, and I've always got your back. Okay?"

"Okay."

He smiles, "Now let's go get you a Calum."

 


	18. Chapter 18

Walking into Ashton's with my hand in Luke's is completely different to the last time I came to one of these parties. Before, I was just another face lost in the crowd but tonight, I'm the girl that managed to get Luke Hemmings to settle down. 

And apparently people want to know this girl.

"Hey, you're Ruby, right?" Ashton himself greets us, handing over two red cups of cocktail mix. Luke immediately discards his on the side table in the hallway but I eagerly drink half of mine down in one gulp, taking advantage of the fact that I'm not staying at home tonight.

"The one and only," I laugh, trying to let Ashton know that it was a joke.

"So I hear," Ashton grins at me for another second and then turns to Luke. "You better look after her, man. You've got yourself a good one." And then he turns around to talk to a group of boys who look like they graduated last year.

As we continue walking through the party to the backyard, my head's still spinning that Ashton actually spoke to me, and that he told Luke that I was  _a good one._

"He doesn't even know me," I say to Luke, finishing off my drink. When I look up, Luke smiles at me like, _I told you so_ , and for the first time this entire fake relationship doesn't seem like a waste of time.

By the time we get out to the backyard, I've got another drink in my hand courtesy of another one of Luke's friends that came to introduce himself to me. We keep moving past the pool to a vacant patch of grass where three poolside couches have been pushed. On one is Michael, Heath, a few guys I don't recognise and perched on the other couch, Calum.

He's wearing black skinny jeans and a black t-shirt, which is practically his unofficial uniform but I notice something different about him as well.

"You cut your hair!" I'm saying before I can catch the words. The other boys turn to face Calum, gazing over the fringe that stands out against the rest of his hair which has been cut shorter.

Calum looks kind of uncomfortable as everyone stares at him which makes me feel bad but also sort of surprised. I thought he'd be used to being the centre of attention and the fact that he isn't kind of makes me love him more.

Luke introduces me to the other boys but their names blur along with their faces. The only person sticking to my senses tonight is Calum. He sits quietly, sipping his drink occasionally but mostly staring out into space, his jaw tense and a slight frown above his eyebrows. I could stare at his beauty all day...

"Another drink, baby?" Luke asks, squeezing my thigh with his hand. Our eyes meet and like a lot of times lately, our faces are so close together.

The totem lights that surround the pool reflect off of Luke's lip ring and it makes me think of how the metal felt against my own lips when he kissed me outside Calum's house the day that I dropped him off.

I think Luke says my name but it gets lost on me as I suddenly launch forward and put my lips to his. I feel him hesitate for a moment but then his hand is on my cheek and he's opening his mouth, allowing our tongues to meet.

He pulls away from the kiss first and the other boys start cheering with encouragement and making suggestive sounds. "Can I have that drink now?" I giggle into Luke's ear, and he nods before heading inside with my empty cup.

"You've got him wrapped around your finger," Michael slurs, his eyes out of focus as he directs his attention to me. "It's fucking hilarious."

I lean against the pool lounge, vaguely aware of Calum staring at me. My cheeks are hot from the alcohol and the kiss with Luke, and there's something in the warm air that makes me feel invincible to everything. "Hilarious?"

Michael shrugs, his eyes hooded over. Joss will be happy she isn't here. She hates it when he is drunk like this. "You're the girl next door. Apparently even Luke isn't immune to cliche love stories."

"Our story is not cliche," I defend honestly. _If only they knew._

"I bet he throws rocks at your window late at night."

I huff a little at Michael being right, "That was  _one time_. Besides, you and Joss are like the perfect high school sweethearts couple. So if you want to talk about cliches..."

A hand stretches over my shoulder with a drink in it before Luke walks around and resumes his seat next to me. "Who's talking about cliches?"

"Your girlfriend," Michael mutters, kicking his foot into the ground lazily.

"Is something on your mind, Clifford?" Luke asks, leaning forward to stare at Michael. There's a hint of danger in his blue eyes, an anger that I've never really seen before.

"What?"

"Just because you are alone and drunk and going to end the night jacking off to some tumblr porn, doesn't mean you have to be a dick to everyone," Luke's hand reaches back to find mine. "Especially Ruby."

Heath and Calum laugh under their breath, meanwhile I take a sip of my drink to hide my smile. I've never been one to swoon over a protective guy or feel the need to play the damsel in distress but something about Luke swooping in is undeniably charming. I guess he meant it when he said he's always got my back.

A little while later, Luke's over by the pool socialising with a bunch of guys I only know by face. Every so often a girl approaches their group and Luke completely ignores them, playing the part of the always faithful boyfriend.

I suspect this is all part of Luke's plan as the numbers of our original group slowly dwindle down until it's just me, Calum and Michael. Calum's smiled at me twice in the last few minutes and we've even got our own personal serenade to set the mood.

" _And after aaaaaaallllll,_ " Michael's slurring belligerently, " _you're my wonderwaalllllll._ "

"Go home, Clifford. You can't even sing," Calum says, half laughing, half serious. I'm filming Michael singing on my phone to show Joss later. I actually think it's kind of funny, albeit slightly annoying, but Joss, she hates it when Michael gets like this. And Michael hates it when Joss gets pissed at him for it which I can understand. Sometimes it's like she's his mother, not his girlfriend.

Despite the fact that I never sing in public, I'm still basking in that invincible feeling from earlier and I start singing along with Michael. " _I said maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me_."

"Stop encouraging him," Calum laughs, his chocolate brown eyes meeting mine. The corners of them are crinkled, his cheeks taking up almost his entire face. I'm so enthralled by him that I don't notice right away that Michael's now laying on the grass, playing an air guitar solo.

"Maybe you should call Joss to come and get him," Calum says, nodding over to Michael who in spite of his professional air guitar skill, can barely keep his eyes open. I even don't get a chance to answer before Michael starts shouting.

"No!" He pulls himself up into sitting position, abandoning his solo to cradle his knees and pout"She'll get mad at me for drinking too much."

"Then get a cab home," I tell him, a flitter of irritation travelling through my voice. There's a tiny part of me that's siding with Michael on this one because I'm still feeling annoyed with Joss over our conversation earlier, but the least he could do is stand up to her. Joss needs to be reminded that her bossy attitude isn't always welcomed or wanted.

"I'll take him home." Luke appears behind me out of no where. "I haven't been drinking."

I stand up, losing my footing slightly as the cocktail mix hits me. "Woah," I laugh into Luke's grip, his arms on either side of my shoulders, "I didn't realise I'd had so much to drink."

"You can't go home yet. You're dad will take one look at you and know you're drunk."

"But I'm not going - "

He cuts me off and looks over at Calum, "Can you keep your eye on her until I get back?"

"Excuse me," I'm poking Luke's chest with my index finger, "I don't need anyone to keep an eye on me."

"I know," Luke says sincerely, his gaze only on me. "But there's a lot of drunk guys around here, and not of them are all harmless like Michael."

"He's right, Ruby," Calum adds.

I look down onto the grass where Michael's now passed out, his pink lips slightly parted as he breathes slowly. Calum goes over to the pool and fills a cup up with water, then throws it on Michael's face. After the most delayed reaction ever, he wakes up from his sleep and Luke drags him out of Ashton's backyard, saying he'll text me when he's on his way back.

The huge backyard suddenly feels tiny and small when it's just Calum and I left. He gestures to the empty spot next to me, silently asking if he can sit next to me. I nod and he brushes past me to get to his seat, and I breath in his scent as subtly as I can. He smells like woody cologne and warm sunshine, and when as he smiles at me, I can actually feel something melting away in my insides. For a short second, I look up at the stars, silently thanking the universe for the day Luke asked me to be his fake girlfriend.

 


	19. Chapter 19

"And that one there," my gaze follows Calum's finger which is pointing at a collection of stars to the left of me,  "That's Aquarius. It's the clearest coming into Summer, but on a good night, like tonight, you can find it if you know what you're looking for."

"What about that one?" I ask, pointing to a bright star above us.

"Um, that's a plane," Calum laughs gently. "But that bright one there? That's Jupiter."

"How do you know so much about this stuff?" My voice is full of wonder and amazement. It did take some time and a few drinks for Calum and I to warm up to one another. At first we just made polite conversation about the usual topics: school, friends, how hungover Michael is going to be tomorrow.

Then we moved onto Googling hangover cures to text to Michael, while we simultaneously shared a bottle of vodka between us. Somehow the conversation changed and now here we are, our backs on the cold grass, as Calum points out different planets and constellations.

"I like to read, and I watch a lot of documentaries," he hesitates, "but, uh, let's keep that between us."

"I  _knew_  you were smart," I blurt out with a little too much enthusiasm.

Calum frowns, "What?"

"I saw you once, in a cafe with a book," I roll over to my side to face him. "I figured you don't like to advertise the fact that behind your pretty face you actually have  brain."

"I appreciate you keeping my secret," he smiles coyly.

"My lips are sealed," I whisper. It might seem silly to anyone else, him wanting to keep his intellectual side a secret, but I understand it more than anyone. High school can be brutal, and he probably finds some comfort in knowing that there's more to him than people expect.

"Now it's your turn."

"My turn to what? I don't know  _any_  constellations."

Calum laughs, "No, I mean it's your turn to tell me a secret."

My stomach flips over. This is more perfect than I ever could have imagined. Just the two of us, sharing oxygen and sharing secrets.

His chocolate eyes stare at me patiently, as I try to think of something that no one else knows. Between Joss and Luke, I realise I don't really have any secrets, none that are all my own and I don't want to give Calum a recycled one.

"Stop overthinking it," he says. "Just say the first thing that comes to your head."

"I - I," a voice inside my head is screaming at me, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. "I've had a crush on you for the last three years."

Calum looks understandably shocked, his cheeks puffing out as he releases a heavy breath. "That's... that's some secret."

He shifts back slightly, increasing the patch of grass between our two bodies and I immediately start retracting my stupid statement. "That came out wrong," I lie. "I meant that I  _used_  to have a crush on you. Obviously I'm with Luke now."

Calum's features soften slightly, "Yeah, of course. You two seem really happy together."

"We are," I'm smiling, trying to make the air between us seem less awkward. "We are so happy together, and like Michael said, it was bound to happen... He is the boy next door. Anyway, let's just forget I said anything. It was stupid, I'm sorry."

"My lips are sealed," he says with a closed-lip smile. I laugh, relieved that he's taking my shocking revelation so well and also that we might be able to salvage the rest of the evening. "So how'd it happen anyway? You and Luke?"

"That's a story for another time, Calum." I look up and see Luke standing over us, holding his phone in his hand. "I texted you but I guess..." his eyes flicker over to Calum, "I guess you were busy."

"I was showing Calum some constellations," I say, scrambling to my feet. I glance over at Calum, and he gives me a grateful smile. I guess his secret even applies to Luke.

"Since when do you know any constellations?"

"Since... since I watched a Netflix documentary on space," I take his hand in mine, and give his cheek a quick kiss. "We'll watch it together sometime."

Calum's standing up now too, looking over toward a group of girls that are quite obviously hanging around to talk to him. "I'll see you guys later," he says lazily, proving to me even more that Luke and I aren't the only ones who show up to school like actors with a role to play.

"Bye Calum," I smile, giving him a wave. When we get out of Ashton's house, down the street and into the car, I notice the time on the dashboard. "Is it seriously 2am? I feel like you only just left with Michael."

"You were pretty occupied," Luke says neutrally as he starts the car. I think back to what Joss said about how she thought Luke would be a jealous kind of boyfriend and decide to test the theory.

"Thank you, you know, for tonight. It was  _amazing_ ," I say, watching his face carefully. 

"Which part?"

"The entire part."

"The part where you kissed me?" Luke teases with a grin and I poke his shoulder.

"That wasn't terrible," I shrug like I didn't love the feeling of Luke's lips on mine, "but mostly I meant you leaving Calum and I to have some alone time. You might just be a genius with this kind of thing."

I expect Luke to gloat about my genius compliment but instead his mouth falls open mockingly, " _Wasn't terrible?_ That's not usually the reaction I get from other girls."

"You're not pretending with those girls."

We pull up to a stop sign and Luke looks over to me, "I'm always pretending, Ruby."

I detect something cold in his voice as disappointment stings my ego at his lack of jealousy.  _Get over yourself_ , I tell myself,  _why would you want Luke to be jealous?_

"Where are we going?" I notice we're near Joss's house and shake my head. "I don't want to stay with her tonight."

"Why not?"

"I told you, we had a fight."

Luke rolls his eyes, "You two always fight. You'll be over it in the morning."

"I'm not staying there, Luke," I argue.

"So, where do you want to go?"

"Can't we just sleep in the car?"

"No," Luke frowns. "We're not sleeping in the car. Tell you what, we'll park a street away from home and you can sleep at my house."

"What about your mum?" I ask nervously. If Liz catches us she'll spill to my Dad for sure.

"She's not home tonight," Luke shrugs, and I groan.

"You could have just said that from the start!"

"You're awfully grumpy for someone who just spent hours talking to the love of her life," Luke teases, a another smile surfacing to his face. "Are you a little s -"

"If you make a joke about me being sexually frustrated - " I warn, and he laughs in defeat. "And you know,  _you_  are awfully happy for someone who just spent hours looking after drunk Michael."

"Maybe you were right. Tonight was pretty amazing."


	20. Chapter 20

At school on Monday, I spend a lot of the morning trying to find a reason to talk to Calum. The smile leftover from Friday night is still stuck on my face and I've replayed our conversation over in my head at least one hundred times. 

Unfortunately, the only solid, not entirely ridiculous idea excuse I can come up with is to him about school work - except we aren't in any of the same classes.

"Just go and talk to him," Luke hisses into my ear, quiet enough for no one else to hear.

"Talk to him about what?"

"Whatever comes to your head first."

"Because that worked so well last time," I mutter, still thinking about how it took one stupid second to spill my three year secret crush. Not that Luke knew about that. 

"What are we talking about?" Joss appears, holding a tray that contains two kale smoothies, an orange juice and a sushi box. She hands the juice to me and one of the smoothies to Luke.

"Nothing," Luke and I say in unison, which makes Joss look at us suspiciously. Only for a second, until I ask her where Michael is.

"How would I know?" she answers cooly, all of her attention of the plastic sushi box. I guess she's still mad about Saturday night.

"Are you really still mad at him? I ask.

"Of course I am."

"He wasn't even that drunk. He was entertaining," I'm nudging Luke with my elbow so that he'll step in and say something. Michael is his friend too.

"He knows how I feel about him getting blind drunk . We have our future to think about."

By future, she probably means Michael finding a fancy executive job while she stays at home, bearing and raising their future three kids. Of course, there'll be a Nanny or two employed so that Joss can keep up with her regular appearances at the local country club and boutique fashion shows.

Or, maybe Joss will be like Mikayla and live off of her trust fund while taking spontaneous trips to Europe to  _find herself (_ which I know from looking at Mikayla's holiday photos is code for sleeping with gorgeous European men and maxing out her credit card)

I look over at Luke who adds nothing and Joss's eyes glaze over for a second and then she startles, like she's remembered something. "Hey, is your brother's boss looking for any work experience kids?"

"Why? Are you thinking about becoming a mechanic?" I joke. Beside me, Luke laughs under his breath.

"No, but I overhead Calum say he was. Maybe you could give him Finn's details."

I glance at Luke with raised eyebrows because the convenience is almost too good to be true and I'm praying profusely that he didn't spill our plan to Joss. My long pause makes it look like I'm hesitating until Luke kisses my forehead, "It's okay, babe. You know I'm not the jealous type."  _Much to my dismay._

Joss is staring at me expectantly, "I - um, " I glance over to Calum who's sitting on top of the table, his feet resting on the chair. The rest of the boys are joking around while Calum looks at his phone. "Okay then."  _Here goes nothing._

Walking over to Calum, I can feel my heart beating heavily. I brush an invisible piece of fluff off of my school skirt and take a deep breathe. As I look back up, Calum's already looking at me, a small smile on his face.

The simple gesture creates a flurry of nerves in my stomach, passing in every direction like lost shooting stars.

"Hey Rubes," he greets me, as my insides officially melt.  _Rubes. He called me Rubes._

"Hey, what are you?" My eyes go wide when they catch up to my mouth, realising what I've just said. Calum lets out a short laugh and my nerves from before take a detour, straight to Planet Word Vomit. "Sorry. I was going to say  _how are you_  but then I thought I'd opt for  _what's up_ and then it all just came out wrong." He's still smiling at me when I finally stop speaking and I take that as a good sign, adding in one last  _sorry_  for good measure.

"Relax. What's up?"

"Um, Joss said you were still looking for somewhere to do work experience and my brother's a mechanic so, if you want I can give you his boss's number or whatever. If you want."

"That'd be great, thanks." He hands over his phone and I'm so shocked that I momentarily don't understand what he wants me to do. I've got Calum Hood's phone and all that it holds, right here in my hand. I could be one little tap away from a secret nudes folder or contemplative selfies or short poems written in his Notes app or -

"Ah, Ruby? Aren't you going to put the number in?"

"Oh, right. Of course," I open the contacts app and press Add New and then take out my own phone to get Finn's work number. I copy it and click save, reluctantly handing the phone back to Calum.

"Thanks for thinking of me. It was really nice of you."

"Sure, anytime," I smile, as the bell for class rings. "I better get going."

"What class do you have now?"

"Chemistry."

He smiles, an index finger pointing to his chest. "Biology. We could walk together if you want?"

I glance behind me and realise that Luke's already left for class. There's a small sting, having gotten used to having him walk with me but I then look back at Calum and his dark eyes, and remember that he has just asked me to walk to class with him so why would I really care about Luke?

"Sure," I smile as Calum stands up. On the way, he tells me about the Great Nebula of Orion and how most people know the constellation as it's nickname the Saucepan.

 

 

Later that afternoon, Alfie and I make nachos for dinner. Dad's at work and I haven't heard from Luke since we got home from school, but it's kind of nice spending some time with just Alfie and I.

After dinner, I let my little brother choose a movie and he surprises me by picking Cats & Dogs. I thought he'd outgrown those talking animal movies until half way through I realise it's a ploy to talk more about getting a dog.

"And they're so smart. Why else would police use them?" he adds after he's been talking about German Shepherds for a good five minutes.

"Yeah," I say slowly. "But they're also big and require a lot of exercise. How about something smaller? Like a pug? Or a beagle?"

Alfie gives me this raised eyebrow, "So I  _can_  get a dog?"

I reach over and ruffle his hair, "I'm not promising anything, okay?"

He nods solemnly and we watch the rest of the movie in silence. Alfie's birthday is in less than two weeks which doesn't give me a lot of time to convince Dad. I wonder how mad he'd be if I just went to the rescue centre and picked one out.

When the movie finishes, I oversee Alfie brushing his teeth and tuck him into bed. When I get into my own bed, I check my phone to see no new messages and then pull my laptop up onto my lap, planning on Googling which dog breeds are good for kids.

Instead, I fall down a virtual rabbit hole and spend all night looking up various stars and constellations.

 

 


	21. Chapter 21

It's Thursday night and I'm half way through a Government essay. We all got given a country and have to explain their current Parliamentary system. I got the Republic of China, incase you were wondering.

True to Mr Yomati's style, it needs to be handwritten and we need to include a reference list. Next to the thick notepad of lined paper sits my laptop, with almost a dozen reference pages open and a Facebook tab.

When my hand gets to the bottom of the first page, my laptop chimes with a Facebook notification. It's probably just Joss, whinging about Michael again. That's right, it's been almost a week and she's still mad at him. I wish she'd just put him out of his misery already and invite him over for make-up sex already. It's not like he did anything wrong.

I'm onto the second page of writing now and my hand is starting to cramp out. _Screw you, Mr Yomati:_ just because you grew up before computers were invented and therefore had to handwrite all of your assignments does not mean we should have too.

The laptop chimes again, and I put down my pen.

I click the little red button next to the friend icon first and my mouth falls open slightly. I click on the _Confirm_ button quicker than I ever have and then click the other notification. It's a private message and I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

Sure enough, though, Calum's face is next to the little bubble:

_**Thanks again for giving me your brothers number. I just heard back from his boss and I'm booked in for work experience next month :)** _

I reread the message three times, and then my fingers are hovering over the keyboard as I try to think of what I can reply. I need something that he has to reply to. I'm not ready for the conversation to end before it's really begun.

 ** _That's awesome news!_** I type, and then delete the exclamation mark. That sounds too enthusiastic. **_Is that what you want to do next year... become a mechanic?_**

I stare back at my Government assignment for a second and then push it over to the side, so I don't have to lean over the notepaper to type.

The laptop chimes again: **_Nah, not really. I think that's what people expect me to do. I'm thinking of going to uni. I wouldn't mind doing a science degree._**

My mouth falls open again. I mean, I know Calum's smart but I never really pictured him studying something like science. My mind starts to wander, imagining a crisp white lab coat against his dark skin, as he mixes coloured chemicals in beakers. I wonder what uni he's going to...

Calum types again: **_I want to major in Astronomy and Astrophysics :)_**

I smile, typing: **_You really like stars, hey._**

Calum: _**I think they're interesting. Every day we wake up, destroying our own planet and pretending that we're the most important things in the universe, but we're so insignificant. There's so much more out there, so many things bigger than us.**_

Me: **_Like aliens?_**

Calum: **_Maybe. I'll let you know in a few years when I'm the youngest scientist to find life on another planet :)_**

Calum: **_Are you going to uni?_**

Me: **_Yeah, definitely. I'm leaning towards nursing or psychology or something. Maybe we'll see a bit of each other next year on Campus :)_**

Calum: **Aw, unless you're planning on moving away, I doubt it. I'm hoping to get into USU.**

USU is the about two hours from us. They specialise in science based degrees, like astronomy and sport science and... _psychology._

Me: **_I've heard good things about USU. Hope it works out for you :)_**

Calum: _**You too, with whatever you choose.**_

Calum: **_You know, you're pretty cool Ruby. It's been nice talking to you. See you at school tomorrow._**

 _He thinks I'm pretty cool? Me?_ I let out an involuntary squeal. If only he knew just how nice it's been talking to him. I type a quick goodnight and shut the lid of my laptop down. I get up from my desk and flop down on my bed, trying to figure out how Luke's plan has managed to work and how Calum could be even more perfect than I imagined.

My phone is in my hand and I swipe open the messages, typing to Luke to tell him about my conversation with Calum. My bedroom door swings open and Dad's standing there, his eyebrows pinched with worry.  "Are you okay? I heard you scream."

"What? No I didn't."

His eyes do the detective scan of my room, "Yes, I did."

Oh. I did squeal, didn't I? Which I suppose could have been mistaken for a scream. "Oh, right. There was, a, um, bug. On my window sill. It's gone now. But," I add with my eyebrows raised, "Even if I did scream, you took at least 65 seconds to get up here, so you couldn't have been that worried."

Dad looks at me suspiciously but really has no choice but to believe my story. He shrugs, shutting the door halfway again and walking back down the hall.

The message I was writing to Luke is still on my phone but instead of pressing send, I backspace it all and write a different one: **_Do you want to come to the dog shelter with me on the weekend?_**

He writes back almost instantly: **_i_**   ** _know puppies are calum's weakness but a puppy? really? ;)_**

 _ **You know who it's for,** _ I reply. _**So is that a yes?**_

**_its a yes :)_ **

 

On the way to school the following morning, I'm still thinking about my conversation with Calum and how weird it would be if we ended up at the same university next year.

"What are your plans for next year?" I find myself asking Luke, who's driving today even though we're in my car.

"I don't know, really. Might hang around here for a year and start up a little band or something. Uni can wait a year."

"Since when is your lifelong dream to be in a band?" Luke has an amazing voice but he's never once mentioned any aspirations to be in a band.

"You obviously don't approve of the idea," he answers with a deep laugh. "I don't know, maybe I'll just get a job and then see what happens." He reaches over and pokes my cheek with a finger, "Why? What a your plans, Miss Smarty Pants?"

"I don't know," I say, suddenly conflicted. Last night I fell asleep thinking about USU and how much of a great fit it would be and now, I'm second guessing my choice. "I think I want to study psychology, but I'm not sure where yet."

"Doesn't USU have a good psychology program?"

"I don't know," I snap a bit too harshly as Luke drives into the only vacant block.

We've got some time to kill before class so we head to the seniors lounge for a coffee. It's basically just a classroom that Miss Mackey turned into a group study area for seniors. Most of our grade only goes there to use the free coffee machine. 

I'm surprised to see Joss in there, stirring her cappuccino with a little plastic spoon. She generally avoids caffeine unless it's exam period because she claims it's akin to poison.

"Finally decided to switch kale for caffeine?" I joke when we reach her, taking two mugs while Luke gets the milk from the tiny bar fridge.

"I had a late night," she answers with a flat voice. 

"Everything okay?" Luke asks, handing me the milk.

"Everything's fine," Joss says, forcing a smile at us both. "But if you must know, Michael and I broke up and no, I'd rather not talk about it."


	22. Chapter 22

"Hey, that's my cereal."

"You snooze, you lose."

"You don't even live here!" Alfie whines. "Eat your own cereal in your own house."

"I'm all out."

"Then go to the grocery store like a real adult."

I storm into the kitchen and scowl at Finn, then with a smile I tell Alfie that I'll make us some pancakes. This puts a smile on his face, and a frown on Finn's. _That's what you get for stealing the last of the cereal_ , I want to tell him.

"So what are you guys going to do today?" I ask, taking the eggs and the milk out of the fridge. When Mum left, I didn't even know how to make pancakes. Now I cook them on a weekly basis.

Alfie sighs. Uh, oh. That's not a good sigh. "What wrong?"

"Ask Finn," he pouts.

"Finn?" I say sternly. Something else I've inherited since she left: the stern frown and the disapproving tone that goes with it. I hate being the little sister trying to tell him what to do but I need him to watch Alfie today. The time on the microwave clock tells me I need to hurry up with the pancakes if I want to get out of the house on time. "Finn," I say again. I don't have time to referee Alfie and Finn's sibling squabbles.

"I'm taking the kid bowling," he answers with a mouth full of cereal and milk.

"Hey, you love bowling," I point out to Alfie, giving him a big smile.

"Tell her the rest," Alfie says to Finn, rolling his eyes. Finn keeps on eating his cereal and eventually Alfie gives an exasperated sigh. "Mikayla's coming."

 _Mikaela?  Like..._ "Like... Joss's sister, Mikayla?" The spatula slips from my hands and falls onto the fall. I put it in the sink and get a clean one out of the draw, flipping the pancakes over in the pan. "Since when are you and Mikayla friendly enough to go bowling together?"

"Since last week when we made out in my car... after _our date_ ," Finn grins like a teenage boy getting his first ever under-the-shirt action. "Joss didn't tell you?"

"Joss knows?" _And she didn't say anything?_ I know we haven't been on the best terms lately, but she could have sent me a text or something. "So, is it... is it serious?"

I know I'm getting ahead of myself but I'm skipping years and imagining the day that Finn and Mikayla announce their engagement, and then a wedding. And, oh my gosh, what if they had kids one day? Joss and I would share a niece or nephew. I can't tell if the idea is exciting or terrifying.

"It's serious enough that I'm having dinner with her parents next weekend," Finn answers, still grinning as he tips the cereal bowl and slurps back the remaining milk.

"I don't like Mikayla. Her face paint scares me."

"Face paint?" Finn says. I just laugh.

"It's _make-up_ , Alfie," I tell him, not adding that she does where far too much of it. You can barely see her actual face. 

"I know," he says in his grown up voice, setting out some plates for the cooked pancakes. He takes the spatula from my hand and starts placing the pancakes on the plates. "I was politely insulting her."

I let out another short laugh while Finn looks unimpressed with the way the conversation is turning. Before Alfie sits down to eat, he puts the fry pan in the dishwasher and puts the milk and eggs back in the fridge. And as I sit, scoffing down my own pancakes, I'm thinking that Alfie really is mature enough for a dog.

 

I'm in the passenger seat and Luke gets into the drivers side, throwing a backpack at me in the process. When I unzip it I find it filled with packets of popcorn, a block of chocolate, two iced coffees and two apples. 

"You know we're going to the dog shelter. Not Antartica."

"Firstly," Luke raises his eyebrows at me and starting the car. "The shelter is two hours from here. And secondly, you can't drive to Antartica." He places a hand on the back of my headrest. _His skin's close, yet  still so far from mine_. I sigh.

We pull out of the driveway and relief fills my lungs. Finn has no idea where I'm going today, and Dad doesn't either. This is probably the worst idea I've ever had. Surprising everyone with a dog for Alfie's birthday. Maybe I've been hanging out with Luke too much.

It's just Dad that I'm worried about. I mean, I know Alfie will be delighted. Finn won't really care. He only ever comes home when he needs money or food or he's run out of friends to bother. Speaking of...

"Did you know Finn and Mikayla were, like, seeing each other?"

"No," Luke answers, borderline laughing. "Since when?"

"I have no idea! He sort of dropped it onto me this morning. It's the first I've heard of it. A while ago I gave her his number, but that was just as a favour because she needed her car fixed." My shoulders shrug, "I guess they really hit it off."

"Does Joss know?"

"I don't know, I haven't spoken to her." She can say she's okay as much as she likes, but I could tell yesterday that she was upset about her and Michael breaking up. I sent her a few texts last night and this morning, just to check in and see if she's okay. They've all gone unanswered though. She's probably burying herself in blueberry sorbet and romantic comedies. "I don't even understand why they broke up," I tell Luke, changing the conversation and hoping he'll follow.

"You know what young love is like," I grab the packet of popcorn from Luke's backpack, opening it and offering him some. He shakes his head and I scoop a handful into my mouth, watching him talk. "Young love is temperamental. One minute you can't keep your hands off each other and you're texting every two seconds, and the next it's like they could be sitting on top of you naked and you still wouldn't notice they're in the room."

"That's the -" I'm about to say _that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard_ , but now I'm thinking about it, and I kind of get it. Once upon a time Michael and Joss were attached at the face. You could never talk to her because she'd always be texting him. The most annoying thing was when she'd make plans with me and then abandon them at last minute to hang out with Michael instead. And now it's all over, just like that?

I take in a small panicked breath: _is that what's happening with Calum?_ I do find myself thinking about him less lately, searching for him less when I go into a room or walk into school. When I'm around him though, or talking to him, it's still all there: the excitement, the butterflies, the burning desire to just grab his face and kiss him.

But once he's out of sight, he's almost out of mind. Are my feelings for Calum one step away from fizzling out completely? That's not fair. I'm finally getting somewhere with him now. My feelings can't give out on me now after all this time. I've got to have some sort of control over them.

 _Surely, when you've pined for something as long as I've pined for Calum, those feelings can't just disappear._ Luke's hand moves from the back of the headrest to my shoulder, startling me. 

_Unless your heart catches someone else._


	23. Chapter 23

"Oh my gosh," I look at the rows and rows of cages. Inside are little fluffy puppies, bigger ones that haven't quite grown into their paws yet and tired dogs who look like they'd do anything for a bath and a cuddle. "How are we supposed to choose one?"

"What kind does Alfie want?" Luke pokes his finger through the cage to touch a small white Maltese Terrier.

"Any kind," I laugh. "As long as it's a living, breathing dog that is all his own." And then I add hastily, "Nothing too big, either."

One of the shelter volunteers approaches Luke and I. She's probably the same age as my Dad and wears the obligatory purple shirt all of the other volunteers wear. Her name tag reads Lane. "Would you and your boyfriend like any help?"

"Oh, she's not," Luke starts, "we're not -"

"Yes, we would," I tell her, ignoring Luke's confused face. "We're looking for a puppy. It's my brother's birthday next week. Ideally we'd like a breed that doesn't need to be walked every day."

I follow Lane leaving Luke by himself. First she shows me a four-year Beagle who's cute and cuddly but doesn't seem to have enough life in him for Alfie. Next is a Rottweiler who barks loudly and makes me jump. _Definitely not him._

Three pug puppies catch my eye, and I immediately go over to their cage. "They're so tiny," I whisper, as Lane unlocks the cage so I can have a pat. I pick up the pudgiest puppy, cradling him into my chest. "Hi little guy."

"Girl," Lane says with a smile. "That ones a girl."

The puppy nuzzles into my chest and my heart is stolen. I'm putting her back into the cage so I can tell Luke we've found the one. I find him over by a black and white dog with big pointy ears. She's cowering in the corner, looking absolutely terrified.

"Can you open her cage?" Luke asks Lane. She hesitates and then nods. Luke puts his hand in the cage and waits patiently.

"She's a Boston Terrier cross something, we're not exactly sure what," Lane tells me quietly. "She was left here about four months ago now in a pretty rough condition. We think her previous owners didn't treat her very nicely."

Luke's hand is still hovering, and he's whispering to the dog like she can actually understand him. "They just abandoned her?" I ask, feeling incredibly sad for the animal.

Lane nods, her eyes sad. I'm guessing she sees this type of thing a lot and suddenly I'm wishing I could take them all home with me.

"Does she have a name?"

"We named her Pepper, because of the way her white fur peppers into the black around her ears."

Pepper stands up. Her nose leaning ahead of her body until it finds Luke's hand. She sniffs it gingerly and then takes a step back slightly. Luke's hand doesn't move and a second later, she sniffs his hand again.

I watch on, as the dog slowly warms up to Luke. Sniffing his hand and moving a little closer each time. Finally, she gets close enough for him to pat behind her ears with both of his hands and it looks like her body is melting into his. _You're not the only one, Pepper._

"We'll take her."

Luke looks up at me, his hands still rubbing Pepper's ears. "Are you sure?"

"I thought you'd decided on the little pug?" Lane asks.

"No," I shake my head, never more sure of anything. "This is the right one."

Lane looks delighted and tells me she'll get the paperwork ready. I leave Luke with Pepper and go out to the car to get the dog carrier we bought at the pet store on the way here. Excitement takes over as I realise that this is really happening. We're really getting a dog! Alfie is going to be over the moon. 

While I wait for Lane to finish getting the adoption papers ready, I text Dad giving him a vague but important warning: **I got Alfie an early birthday present! He's going to love her and you will too... eventually.**

I hear my phone beep when I slide it into my pocket but I ignore it, smiling at Lane as she shows me where to sign before handing over my bank card to pay for Pepper. There'll be nothing left in my account after this but it will all be worth it once Alfie meets his knew little friend.

Luke comes out with Pepper and helps her into the dog carrier. Lane gives me a small bag of the food Pepper likes best and also writes down the brand so I can buy a bigger bag from the pet store and then we walk out of the shelter as a trio; Luke, me and Pepper. 

Even though she's Alfie's present, it feels like Luke and I are a real couple picking out a pet together and that itself is a gift just for me.

 

About an hour into the drive, Pepper starts whining in her carrier so Luke suggests we stop and get a few bottles of water and let Pepper run around a dog park.

I'm a bit worried, considering we're still strangers to her and I don't know if she'll run away but Luke finds a gated dog park using Google Maps and they have these cute little dog bowls so she can have a drink and a play.

There's only two other dogs here. An elderly couple with a small, fluffy brown dog and a man with his two kids and a dalmatian. Pepper avoids the other dogs, mostly just sniffing the grass near Luke.

"She seems pretty smitten with you," I say, watching her take interest in a passing butterfly.

Luke grins, "Guess my charm doesn't just affect humans then."

I gently hit his arm with my palm, and the regret it because I suddenly want to take his hand in mine and hold it. "Thank you for coming with me today. It wouldn't have been as much fun without you."

"Anytime," he squints forward, his gaze following Pepper. She finds a spot about a metre from Luke's legs and lays down. "We should do more best friend road trips."

My heart lights up at the idea. "Yeah! At the end of the school year, just you and me and wherever the road takes us."

"And Calum," he says with a slight laugh. "He probably wouldn't be thrilled with the idea of it being just the two of us." His eyes are still crinkled because of the sun is shining straight onto his face.

"Calum?"

"Yeah. I mean, I assume our little plan would have worked by the end of the school year. I hope so, anyway. I'd hate for you to have to take me to the school formal instead of him."

"I wouldn't mind," I answer honestly. 

If I were to write it down on paper, going to the formal with Calum would sound perfect. He'd look effortlessly handsome in a suit. He could point at stars from the top of the limo, and we could spend the entire night talking the way we did at Ashton's party. There'd be butterflies and maybe even our first kiss. It would be picture perfect.

But Luke, well, he's Luke. We make each other laugh. I feel comfortable around him. He'd make sexual little jokes and I'd roll my eyes. He'd force me to get up and dance, and I know my head fits exactly where his chest is. And maybe we'd kiss, and it wouldn't be because we're pretend dating or I'm trying to catch Calum's attention. Maybe we'd kiss because we both wanted it.

"Yeah, but it would be better going with someone you actually like." Pepper moves a little closer to Luke and he starts patting her, casually, like the pair of them have known each other forever.

 _I do actually like you,_ I think quietly picking at the blades of grass. "I guess."

"Alright, let's hear it." I look up, Luke's head bobs, gesturing for me to move closer. Which I do, as obedient and quick as that Dalmatian over there. "Tell me what's bothering you."

"Nothing," I lie, even though it's useless.

"We aren't leaving here until you tell me."

I sigh, looking around the dog park. Another dog is walking in now. Another angry-looking Rottweiler, just like the one at the shelter. A man in the suit tugs on the lead firmly taking him away from our side of the park.

"Do you ever," I'm trying to figure out how to put my feelings into words, and decide to use one of those vague analogies girls use in movies. It always seems to work for them. "It's like... you've got your eye on this chocolate labrador. He's perfect. Everything you want in a dog; beautiful, but cuddly and sweet; a show dog, too. He can do the best tricks in show. He's adored by everyone, and then just when you think you'd like to take him home, you spot a... a golden labrador. He's equally beautiful, and cute and cuddly. Maybe even a touch sweeter. Sure, he's not a show dog and he likes to chase his tail and pee on everything, but he's loveable... you know? And so you start questioning... which one do you get?" I take a deep breath and continue.

"On paper, everyone would go for the chocolate lab, because he's perfect right? But the golden labrador has something you can't measure on paper, you're not even quite sure what it is but it's something, and it tugs at your heart, winning you over again and again."

Luke's nodding, leaning in like he doesn't want to miss a single word of my stupid speech. He even looks a little hurt, which makes me wonder if he knows which labrador he is in this scenario. 

"Do you want to take Pepper back and get a labrador?"

My whole face scrunches up, "What? No," I groan. I mean, it was a long shot but really? He didn't get any of that? All of that painfulness was for nothing. "That's not what I'm talking about at all. Don't worry about it," I tell him, standing up, _giving up._ "Let's get Pepper home."

 

We've just arrived home and I'm holding a sleeping Pepper in her dog carrier. We probably have about sixty seconds before Finn or Alfie realise we're back and come racing out to see where I've  been all day.

Luke's still here, leaning against the bricks as I thank him again for today. I'm still frustrated and wound up from before, when I made the lame attempt at telling him how I felt with the dog comparison.

"I should get going," he says lazily, as if maybe he wants me to invite him inside. My heart beats a little faster.

"You can come inside if you want, you can see Alfie's face light up. You're the one that drove all the way there and back, you deserve to be involved in the fun part."

"Sure," he smiles, and reaches for the front door handle. I try to move surreptitiously, making it hard for him to open the door. I'm not even sure what's going on in my head right now, all I know is that I'm starting to turn crazy and I just need to know if Luke likes me back.

"You're blocking the door," he laughs quietly, like there's a joke in there somewhere.

My hearts beating like crazy now. This is it. It's just Luke and I. No one else, no reasons for me to kiss him other than because I like him. Here goes nothing.

I stand up onto his toes and press my lips straight to his. He's caught off guard, and moves back for a second, but I feel like he's about to move in for more, and my mouth opens in anticipation.

"You guys are back!"

The door flings open behind us before I even have the chance to properly kiss Luke. I turn around to see Alfie's smiling face and his eyes immediately drop to the dog carrier in my hand. "Is that - " he's trying to hide his smile, holding back some of the excitement incase it's not exactly what he's hoping for.

Ignoring the pain in my stomach and the thunder in my chest, I smile and hand over the dog carrier with Pepper inside, "Happy early birthday!"

As soon as Alfie takes it, he struggles with the weight of it and Luke swoops in to help him. I want to hold him back for a minute, to talk about what just happened, but Alfie's already trying to drag Pepper and Luke inside, calling out to tell Finn about his new pet.


	24. Chapter 24

Luke and Alfie are outside with Pepper.

My youngest brother's face is scrunched up with pure delight as he throws a ball towards Luke who then picks it up, trying to lure Pepper in to fetch it.

"Dad's going to kill you, you know," Finn says behind me. I turn away from the window to face Finn, noting the smile on his face. I can't tell if he's happy for Alfie or excited about the possibility of me being grounded.

"I gave him a warning," I say, pretending I'm not sweating in the slightest. Earlier, Dad had sent me a text saying **It better be a goldfish.** He can't be mad forever though. "How do you know if a boy likes you?"

Finn looks thrown by my question. I've never asked him for boy advice before and if I had any other option I wouldn't be asking him now. Luke's really thrown my heart into a spin and I can't ask Joss about it because she thinks that we're already dating. Finn's all I've got right now.

"What boy are we talking about?" His eyes dart to the window behind me and I give him a face of what I hope looks like disgust.

"Not Luke," I cringe, lying through my teeth. "It's a boy from school."

Finn's cheeks puff out and a deep breath passes through his lips. At least he's taking my question seriously, giving some thought to his answer. "It depends on the guy I guess. Does he know you like him?"

"I... I think so?" He must have a slight idea. We spend almost all of our time together. I've kissed him twice when he wasn't expecting it. At the shelter today I let Lane assume we were a couple.

My older brother shook his head, "That's a no. Look, boys don't get subtly. If you think you're dropping hints, he's not getting them. We're simple creatures. We need clear, explicit messages to know exactly what's going on. Make it clear that you like him and you'll know if he likes you back by how he reacts."

"But what if I embarrass myself?" What if I make it explicitly clear and Luke doesn't feel the same way?

"That's life, Ruby," Finn laughs. "You'll have embarrassing moments. You'll have good ones, too. You can't spend your life avoiding the good ones because you're too scared of being embarrassed."

 _Woah._ It's weird hearing these honest, intelligent thoughts coming from Finn. We used to be so close when we were younger but since he moved out, he feels more like a distant cousin than a brother. Maybe I should invite him over more often, try and include him in family dinners more often. We're already one family member down, I don't know if Alfie could take losing any more.

"Pepper was abandoned too, you know," I  say, glancing back out the window to Luke and Alfie, still unsuccessfully trying to get Pepper to play fetch, "by her previous owners. Who knows how long she'd have sat at the shelter if we didn't take her home. Her and Alfie need each other."

"Mum didn't abandon him."

I'm thrown off my his remark. "Um, yes she did. That's exactly what she did."

"No, she just left. She didn't drop him on the porch of a dog shelter like some hopeless creature who had no one. She left him with you and Dad. She knew you'd take care of him."

I blink, completely raged by Finn's reasoning, "I shouldn't have had to take care of him! I'm a teenager, not a parent. He's my brother and instead of sneaking him an extra cookie after dinner or letting him watch M-rated movies when our parents are out, I'm here making sure his homework is finished and reminding him to brush his teeth before dinner. Not that you'd know, it's not like you're ever here."

"You rarely ask me to be!"

Now I'm even more raged. "Because when I do, you make me feel like I've asked you for something completely unreasonable and you only visit on the promise of money or food."

Shock falls over Finn's features, making him look more like Dad than he usually does. It's the same look of disappointment Dad gets when he forgets about an event at Alfie's school or has to cancel family plans because he's called into work.

"I'm... I'm sorry," he spits out. "You always seem so confident with Alfie, and with Dad. You're so good at taking care of them both that I never realised you actually needed me."

I hear the front door opening and blink back the tears that are starting to form in my eyes. I don't want to cry in front of anyone, especially my Dad, and especially today. Alfie's birthday might not be until next week but today is his day. I want this one to be stamped with happy memories only.

"So," Dad walks into this kitchen, suspiciousness stitched into his hazel eyes. "Where's this gold fish?"

 

 

Much to my relief, Dad isn't even mad. After Alfie formally introduced him to Pepper, Dad pulled me aside and told me that he'd been planning on getting a dog for Alfie anyway, and that he'd even give me half of what I'd paid for Pepper. All in all, it's been a successful day.

Dad, Alfie and Pepper are watching 101 Dalmatians (not the animated version) in the lounge room and I've lured Luke into my room to help me with my Maths homework.

It's a ruse and we both know it. I'm far better at Maths than Luke is, especially when it comes to Conditional Probability. "So, would this be 4/9?" I ask, playing dumb to buy us more time until I get up the courage to tell Luke how I feel. Neither of us have mentioned the brief kiss earlier. I almost wish he would.

Luke yawns, leaning over my shoulder to look at the question on my laptop. "No," he rereads the question. "I don't know, Ruby. Can't we do this tomorrow? I'm tired."

"Do you want to watch a movie?"

"Not really." There's a silence between us, and then Luke sighs. "You choose, but if I fall asleep, don't wake me up. I'll sleepover."

"Aren't you worried about my dad?" I tease, though I'm quietly worried myself.  There's been a few times Luke has accidentally slept over here but I'm not sure if my Dad really knows about those times. The general rule has always been no boys sleeping over. Then again, there's never been any worry that anything would happen between me and Luke, so the rule has never really been enforced.

Luke lays down on my bed and I choose _The Wedding Singer_   to watch. It one of my favourite movies, but I'm barely paying attention. All I can hear is Luke's breathing. I watch his chest rise and fall underneath his t-shirt, air falling through his half parted lips.

Soft stubble lines his jaw and I wonder how it would feel against my skin if we were to kiss properly. Then it occurs to me that we're laying in my bed. We've never kissed on a bed before. I've never kissed any boy on a bed before. It's silly, but my stomach flips over and my mind starts racing. Would he pull me on top of him aggressively? Or caress my cheek delicately before he leans into the kiss?

My breathing has increased and I'm suddenly self conscious of my limbs. I move my legs a little, creating some space between us. My upper body does the exact opposite, though, and moves closer towards to Luke.

I'm thinking about how it would feel to have Luke run his hands up underneath my shirt, his fingertips touching the bare skin on my back. A shiver runs down my spine.

"Did you switch shampoos?" Luke asks, startling me.

"W- what?" My breath is shaky. No, _everything_ is shaky as I try to pretend that I wasn't just imagining us kissing on my bed.

"Your hair smells different," he says, picking up a piece of my hair. "It smells like strawberries."

"Oh," I struggle to say, breathless. Why is it suddenly so hard for me to breathe? I look at Luke and he's looking at me. There's practically nothing between us, our mouths just a tiny mouthful of air apart.

"Can I kiss you?" I whisper suddenly, not brave enough to do it without asking. If it were Calum or another boy, I'd be embarrassed, but not with Luke. I could ask him anything.

His eyes move quickly down to my mouth, then back up to mine. My heart continues to race. He nods, ever so slowly, and my head moves gently across the pillow until our lips meet.

I think my mouth opens before his does, and then our tongues are in each others mouths. Luke places his hand to my cheek and we kiss like that for a mere second, slowly, sweetly, as if we're savouring the moment.

Luke's still cupping my cheek softly when my hands somehow find their way to his waist, lifting the hem of his shirt so that I can feel his back, and instantly the kiss changes. I somehow end up on top of Luke, my legs either side of his and with each kiss, it's like he's putting the air back into my lungs and then making me breathless all over again.

I press myself harder into Luke and entirely new feelings flood through my body. I've kissed boys before but never like this. Never have I wanted someone the way I want Luke right now.

My lips move to his neck and I leave a few small kisses there, as his hands scoop underneath my shirt, his fingers exploring my skin.

"We should stop," he murmurs against my lips. "Your - your Dad's downstairs. Should we stop?"

I shake my head and then his lips are on mine again, and the only thing I'm sure of is I never want to stop doing this.


	25. Chapter 25

Luke didn't end up sleeping over. After things began getting way too heated, Luke came up for air, mumbling something about the _no-sex_ part of our agreement and then climbed out the window, leaving me shirtless and confused.

I didn't hear from him yesterday. Alfie and I played with Pepper in the backyard for a while and I tried to look over the fence, to see if he was moping in his tree house but it was empty. We didn't even text which was unusual and now as I'm getting ready I am wondering if he'll even show up to ride to school together like usual.

I did, however, end up hearing from Joss. She called last night and told me that she really is happy about the break-up and that she'd rather not talk about it anymore. Given that I've never had a boyfriend, I'm not going to try to tell her how to deal with her breakup, but still, It's going to be so weird for a while.

I've never known Joss to not be with Michael. Who will he sit with at lunch? Joss, Luke and I are the only people he really spends time with. Will they still be friends? Will Luke and I have to stop sitting together at lunch too, taking a side each like kids in a divorce?

Maybe that's not such a bad thing if yesterdays silence is anything to go by. I can't figure out if Luke's freaked out that we could have had sex or if he's just confused about how he feels.

I'm just as surprised. My feelings completely caught me off guard, and my timing could not have been worse. I mean, I've been a virgin for seventeen years and then Luke's in my bed for five seconds and I can't even wait until we're home alone? Alfie and my Dad were right in the living room! They could have walked in at any time.

I should probably thank him for putting aside his hormones and stopping it before it went further, yet what I feel most is disappointment. Maybe he's not attracted to me. Maybe I'm a bad kisser. Luke's been with so many girls, he's obviously more experienced. Is this what it will be like next year when I go to uni? Everyone will be so far ahead of me, and I'll be like the awkward Virgin Ruby.

There's a knock at the door and I exhale. "Coming!" I call out, grabbing the two donuts I'd picked up from the bakery when they opened this morning. I open the front door to find a dishevelled, unshaven Luke. His blue eyes are lined with dark circles and I can tell by the way that he's scratching the back of his neck that he's only just woken up.

"Brought you a donut," I say sweetly, not sure if I should say anything about his shabby appearance. He looks like he's barely slept.

"Thanks. You didn't have to," he says, biting into it anyway. Once we're in the car, I start eating mine too. Maybe the sugar will abolish the awkward silence.

"Hey, did you finish reading A Midsummer Night's Dream?"

_Now I know he hasn't slept._ "Luke," I try to keep my voice gentle, instead of teasing him like I usually would. "I'm not in your English class. We've already finished it. You can have my notes if you want."

He doesn't say anything, just finishes off his donut and continues driving. I'm starting to think I should have drove us to school this morning. When we get to school, I grab his hand before he can leave the car.

"Are you okay?"

"I didn't sleep well," he says. _Well, yeah, I can see that._

"Why? Is everything okay? Is there anything I can do?" I thought my head was a mess this morning, but Luke's clearly struggling with something. _Is this my fault?_

His beautiful features pain for a fleeting moment. I've never seen him like this and I have no idea what's going on. Is this still about the kiss? Did something happen with his Mum? "It's...," he sighs. "It's fine," he answers flatly, getting out of the car and holding my hand as we walk into school.

As soon as our regular table comes into sight, I notice that Michael is there alone. There's no sign of Joss. It's kind of sad looking at Michael sitting there without her. I wonder if he even knows who he his without her anymore.

"Ruby, Luke!" Tess approaches us, her blonde hair swaying from her bouncy step. She's smiling at us like we're her best friends which would be odd except Tess is just one of those over-enthusiastic girls who acts like she's best friends with everyone. "What are you guys doing on Wednesday night? We're going out to the movies to see the new Hunger Games movie. You should come with!"

I hesitate, waiting for Luke to squeeze my hand or give some non-verbal indication that he wants to go. When I look up at him, he's staring into space. I don't think he even heard what Tess said.

"We'd love to," I smile, the thought of us going on a double date brightening me up a little. At least we'll be in a public place, no danger of clothes coming off or some stupid rule being broken. 

Tess gives me her phone, asking for my number so that she can text us with the movie time on Wednesday. She's completely oblivious to the fact that Luke's practically asleep standing up.

Once she's out of ear shot, I yank his arm, walking towards the senior's lounge for one strong black coffee.

 

In the afternoon, the entire senior year gets called in for a "social safety talk". Basically this means they pile us into the entertainment hall and lecture us about being teenagers. 

The last time we got called into one of these talks was when Calum's nude leaked around school, and we got a forty-five minute speech about _protecting ourselves online_ and listening to things like 'nothing dies on the internet' in threatening tones. 

So while we're waiting for the teachers to talk their disapproving speech, whispers echo through the hall as everyone speculates the cause.

_"My money's on Calum sending more nudes."_

_"Surely he's not stupid enough to do it again."_

_"Maybe someone's pregnant."_

"I bet Joss and Michael's sex tape got leaked," someone behind us says quite loudly.

"Do they have a sex tape?" Another voice asks.

"That's what I've heard."

I glance at Joss next to me waiting for her to react. She acts like she doesn't even hear it. Still, I feel bad for her and turn around to frown at the two girls behind us.

Mrs Mackey and Mr Smith come together at the front of the hall. "Excuse me, let's quiet down a bit please," Mr Smith starts. His hair is balding on top and I'm pretty sure he's worked at this school for like thirty years. Some of the kids in my Government class have started taking bets on how much longer it will be until he retires.

Because our school is ridiculous, us girls are sitting on one side of the hall and the boys are on the other. It's like they think our hormones are that out of control that we'll just start fornicating right here on the floor.

"It's getting to that time of year where a lot of you are turning 18," Mr Smith says, a stern frown on his face. Everyone groans, and not quietly. "Quiet down, quiet down. We're not here to be the fun police. We're here to protect you."

I tune out after that. I'm not 18 until September and two teachers standing in front of our entire year isn't going to stop the parties or drinking anyway. Instead, I crane my neck to see past Joss, looking for Luke.

I see Calum first and our eyes catch each other. We exchange smiles and I notice his hair looks a little curlier today. It's cute. Luke's two rows behind him, sitting next to Michael. His eyes still look sort of hooded, the caffeine from this morning well and truly worn out.

**To Luke: Hey**

Once it's sent, I look over to Luke again trying to see if he's got his phone with him. His head looks down and my phone lights up in my hand.

**From Luke: hey**

**To Luke: Are you still tired?**

**From Luke: I'm okay.**

**To Luke: Are you mad at me?** I glance up again to see him frowning down at his phone.

**From Luke: no. why would i be mad at you**

**To Luke: Because I kissed you**

**From Luke: i kissed you back**

**To Luke: I really liked kissing you**

**From Luke: i liked it too**

**To Luke: So can I ask you something then?**

**From Luke: shoot**

My fingers shake as I type. It's the question that's been playing over in my head and at least this way I won't have to see his face when he gives me the answer.

**To Luke: Why did you stop? Did I do something wrong?**

"Anyone who has their phones out can quickly hide them before they're confiscated," Mrs Mackey says. I hadn't even noticed she'd taken over from Mr Smith. _You're killing me here, Mrs Mackey._

I spend the rest of the speech fidgeting in my seat, wondering what Luke's reply is.


	26. Chapter 26

Luke didn't reply to my text and when Miss Mackey and Mr Smith let us out of the stupid talk, he'd already bolted to his next class too. Thankfully I only had one last class to go. I think my eyes watched the clock for the whole lesson. 

By the time I reach my car, I'm positive the reason Luke hasn't texted me back is because he doesn't want to embarrass me. He's had some time to think and he realises that he wasn't into the kiss as much as I was and he's trying to figure out how to let me down gently.

There's no other possible reason.

"Rubes!"

Calum jogs over to me, holding a soccer ball underneath his arm. He's smiling, looking as adorable as ever that I find myself feeling annoyed that I'm distracted and still looking for Luke in my peripheral vision. "Hi Cal."

He looks at me and then the car and frowns, "Are you waiting for Luke?"

"Yeah. He runs late sometimes," I shrug. "It's no big deal." It's just a good thing I don't have to pick up Alfie today.

Calum scratches the back of his neck, "I'm pretty sure he's already left."

 _He left? Without me? Without even telling me?_ "Oh." 

I can't think of anything else to say. Calum sort of shifts from one foot to the other, now rolling the soccer ball between his hands. "Do you think you could drop me off at practice?"

This day just keeps getting stranger and stranger. "Um, sure? I mean, sure," I repeat with more conviction. It's the first time for ages I've actually driven my car. I'm so used to Luke driving, it takes me a whole block to get the hang of the breaks again.

Calum directs me to the field he does his soccer practice at. I pretend that I have no clue, not mentioning the few times last season that I dragged Joss along to the cafe opposite the sports complex, hoping to catch a glimpse of sweaty Calum post-practice.

"Hey," he says suddenly with a huge smile. "I'm registered to this astronomy website," he pauses and frowns, like he's worried he's just said the words _astronomy website_ out loud.

"No judgment from me," I promise, taking the next left. 

His face relaxes a little, "Well, they send out a schedule of constellations and stuff, that occur in specific locations. They're notoriously hard to predict of course but we're supposed to be able to get a glimpse of comet Catalina at the end of next month."

"Wow, that's so cool," I try not to sound like I'm faking enthusiasm, because I'm not. I'm just thrown by the whole afternoon: Luke leaving school without me, Calum asking for a ride.

"Yeah," he sighs, looking out the window for the first time in the short car ride. I pull up to the soccer field and he's holding the door handle, looking like he's trying to decide if he should say something else or not. "I know you're with Luke, but if you've got a few free nights next month, it'd be cool if we could watch for the comet together."

Before I can say anything, he hurries out of the car. I don't waste time worrying about what he meant. I've still got to find Luke.

 

I'm sitting in my car in the driveway, trying to decide if I should go over to Luke's or not. It's becoming increasingly obvious that we need to talk. We can't just go on ignoring each other when we're supposed to be dating. And we've got that double date with Tess and Heath on Wednesday, so the air needs to be cleared before then.

The more appealing option is to go up to my room, swiping a tub of ice-cream from the freezer on the way and hiding in bed all afternoon pretending like this hurricane of feelings isn't making my world spin on a different axis.

 _Come on, Ruby. Don't be that girl. You're not that girl._ This isn't Calum or one of the other boys from school. This is Luke. The same boy who is terrified of my dad and climbs through my bedroom window majority of the time. The same boy who paints my toenails sometimes when we're watching movies. Luke, who on the surface is this flirty, confident guy that has everyone falling at his feet but when it's just the two of us acts endearingly dorky and sweet.

Liz answers the door with a smile. She's always liked me, much more than any of Luke's other girl  _friends._ Maybe because she's never had to worry about Luke getting me pregnant.

Even though her smile is warm, I'm still nervous. "Is Luke home?"

"He's in the treehouse," she laughs, letting me inside. "I told him he's coming down before the end of the school year." 

Luke loves that silly treehouse. I guess he spent a lot of time in there when he was growing up. It's cute, only he's not a little boy anymore. He's a six foot tall teenager whose long stature can barely fit inside the treehouse.

I can see his feet dangling out of the opening. He's probably laying down, looking up at the clouds through the broken slat in the ceiling.

"Repunzel, Repunzel," I call up. "Let down your hair."

His feet move slightly and then Luke's face is poking out, "You don't make a very good prince. You don't even have a royal horse."

"You make a pretty ungrateful princess. I should leave you in the tower to rot," I say, a tiny part of me hurt. He could have at least faked a laugh. "Can I come up?"

He nods, and I climb up the ladder, squeezing my body past his to get into the tiny wooden house. I have to pull my knees up, hugging them with my arms to fit in the small space. Luke keeps his legs dangling out, but turns his body to face me. "I'm sorry," he says suddenly. At least he's apologising.

"Sorry for ignoring my text or for leaving school without me?" _Or kissing me the way you kissed me, and then acting all strange about it?_

"Everything. All of it. It's not you... it's me. My head's been a mess today."

"Don't do that, Luke. Don't use the excuses you use on your one night stands." The air is so hot in here. There's already tiny drops of sweat peppering Luke's forehead. "I'm sorry for texting you that question. It's quite clear the kiss was a mistake and that's okay. Sometimes you're attracted to someone who isn't attracted to you back and -"

"You think I'm not attracted to you?" he asks quietly. His tongue runs over his lip ring, nervously waiting for me to answer.

"No, I mean, yes," I can't remember what I'm trying to say anymore. The heat in here is flustering. "I don't know."

His body wiggles closer to me and I find myself wanting to shy away from the closeness. The last time our bodies were this close we ended up in a heavy make-out session. My back is already hard against the timber wall of the treehouse though. There's no where to go.  "Ruby," his thumb brushes my cheek. "I think you're beautiful."

"I - " My throat closes up. I don't even know what to say. I know what I want to do. I want to find a way into his lap and kiss him so that he knows how beautiful I think he is too.

"No, listen to me. You are beautiful. From the tiny freckles that scatter your cheeks to every last strawberry blonde strand of hair on your head. You're beautiful, and your appearance is just the surface of it. Don't ever question that, and especially don't let my actions ever question that."

"But... I didn't know what else to think. You ran out after the kiss and you've been so weird all day..."

"Like I said, my head's a mess. I'll sort it out."

"Okay," I say slowly. My head is racing though: Did he really just call me beautiful? Is that a sign that I'm allowed to kiss him again?

"I'm pretty keen for our double date on Wednesday night."

"Really?" I smile, surprised he still wants to go.

"Yeah. It will be fun. Besides, who knows how many more of these appearances we have left. You and Calum seem to be getting pretty close."

Does he know I drove Calum to practice? I wonder if Luke's reason for leaving school without me had anything to do with that. I don't ask. I don't want to know the answer because it's unimportant. 

Instead, I'm forced to focus on the fact that our relationship could be ending soon, and I don't think Luke realises that I'm no longer playing pretend.

I'm falling for him hard and fast, with no way of stopping. Just like a comet.


	27. Chapter 27

"Tell me about your day." It was just Alfie and I tonight because Dad's on night shift. Today's Alfie's actual birthday but we did cake and presents last night with Dad and Alfie.

"Madison Freely gave me a birthday card," he says, grinning over his plate. We're having salad and leftover lasagne from the night before.

"Ooh," I coo. "Do you like her?"

His face falls slightly, "Yeah, but she likes Matt Golding. He's really good at sport and he wears stuff in his hair to make it all spiky. All the girls like him the best."

My heart breaks a little. _It's only going to get harder, kid._ "You know, it'll just be you and Finn for dinner tomorrow night. I think he was going to order pizza." I say to change the subject, hoping it might cheer him up. He's far too young to let a girl stomp all over his heart.

"Is Mikayla coming too?" He asks with an eye-roll and I shrug. "Where are you going anyway?"

"To the movies with Luke," I answer casually, staring at my lasagne as I stab it with my fork.

"Like a date?"

"No," I frown. "We're going with two other people from school."

Alfie's eyes widen, "So a double date?"

Part of me knows that Alfie would be ecstatic if Luke and I were to actually start dating. He adores Luke so much, which is what worries me and the reason he can't know anything about mine and Luke's current relationship. Alfie's lost enough people in his life. He doesn't need the extra confusion.

"We're going as friends."

"Madison's big sister had lots of boy friends. Now she's going to have a baby and she yells at everyone and eats weird food in the middle of the night. Madison also told me that means she'll be an aunty even though she's only just turned ten. Is that going to happen to me?"

I laugh, "No. You don't get pregnant just from being friends."

"You get pregnant from having sex," he says bluntly. It makes my cheeks flush a little.

"Luke and I aren't having... we aren't doing any of that. Now finish your dinner. Pepper's been eying it off for the last ten minutes."

 

I'm laying on my bed after dinner watching Teen Wolf when I get a Facebook message from Michael.

**michael: have you talked to joss lately?**

**me: I talked to her at school today. She's been a little distant since you two broke up though.**

**michael: i was hoping it was just me that she'd been avoiding**

**michael: i'm really worried about her**

**me: What? Why?**

**michael: she just ended things so suddenly. even before we broke up she was acting hell weird. she kept snapping at me for no reason. it was like she constantly had her period or whatever. what if she's like depressed or something?**

Something Alfie said earlier suddenly pops into my head about Madison's sister being pregnant and the mood swings and weird cravings. _What if Joss is pregnant?_

It makes so much sense: the sudden break-up, the reason she's been avoiding everyone and it would explain why today I saw her scoffing down a donut at lunchtime when she's usually convinced that sugar is the devil.

**michael: ruby? if you know something please tell me. i'm going crazy here.**

**me: I don't know, honestly**

**me: I'll tell you if I find out anything.**

**michael: thanks. i still love her you know. i want her to be okay.**

**me: She will be. Don't worry.**

 

At school the next morning, I corner Joss in the senior's lounge. I've been thinking about it all night and I just have to know. If she really is pregnant, I don't want her going through it alone. We've had our ups and downs lately but I don't want her walking around with this huge secret, too scared to tell anyone about it.

"Hey," she smiles, stirring sugar into her coffee. _More sugar,_ I note silently. I feel like my Dad. Maybe I should become a detective too.

"Since when do you coffee with sugar?" I ask casually, preparing my own coffee.

"It's just sometimes. When I need the extra energy." _Tiredness is a symptom of pregnancy too._ Especially in the first trimester. I know because I Googled it last night.

"You've been tired a lot lately."

"Exam stress," she says with a weak smile.

"Exams aren't for another two weeks," I raise an eyebrow at her.

"I've been getting my study in early. This is our final year of school. Time we start taking things seriously, don't you think?"

Yes, I do think, but Joss - the regular Joss, not the one who's standing in front of me - does not think like me. The regular Joss wouldn't be staying up all night studying, she'd be writing a shopping list for her family's next vacation to Paris or having sex with Michael.

"We should have a sleepover one night this week. We can study together." That way I can find out if she's lying. 

"We don't have any classes together." 

This is true. "Which is an even better reason to study together. We can cross-reference our English notes."

"Okay. How about tonight?"

"Sure," I smile. "Wait. I can't tonight. Luke and I are going to the movies."

"Oh."

"I'd invite you, but we're going with Tess and Heath so..."

"It's fine. We'll study another night." She smiles at me but I can tell she's annoyed.

"I really am sorry," I insist.

"I said it's fine, Ruby. I just never thought you'd be one of those girls who ditches her friends once she got a boyfriend. I guess Luke's changed you."

"What? I haven't changed! And honestly, that's a bit hypocritical coming from you. You always used to ditch me to hang out with Michael."

"Michael and I were different."

"Different how?"

"We were really in love."

Now I was angry. "And Luke and I aren't?"

"You've never had a boyfriend and Luke's used to sleeping with a different girl every week. You two are a disaster waiting to happen," she snaps.

I just stare at her, trying to figure out when Joss turned into this bitter person and then I remember another pregnancy symptom: _mood swings._

"You're right," I mumble, only because I need to get out of here and find Michael right now. "I'm sorry. I have to go but we'll have a girls day soon. Just you and me, and no talking about the boys allowed. Okay?" I look at her petite frame, envisioning her belly growing over the course of the school year. "I'll see you later!"

On the way out of the senior's lounge, I run straight into Calum. "Woah," he says, gripping my elbow with his hand. His fingertips are gentle and soft and I inhale quickly, an old flitter of my adoration for him dancing over me. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," I tell him. "Sort of. It's not me, I'm just worried about a friend." I'm not sure I'm making sense but I'm feeling too frantic to worry about what Calum thinks.

"Slow down," he frowns. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Just, if you see Michael tell him I'm looking for him."

"Sure, no problem," he smiles, finally taking his hand away from my elbow.

"Thanks," I kiss his cheek and continue on towards the Maths block. It's only when I get to my class and sit down that I realise I just kissed Calum Hood on the cheek. Right now, though, that's the least of my list of worries.


	28. Chapter 28

It turns out that Michael isn't even at school today. I've sent him three text messages now, asking him to call me so we can talk. I figure telling someone their ex-girlfriend is pregnant isn't really something you do over text.

"Why do you keep checking your phone?" Luke asks, glancing over at me. It's the third time I've looked my my phone since we got into the car ten minutes ago.

"Sorry, it's just..." I pause. I can't tell Luke about Joss before I tell Michael. I slide my phone into my purse. "Sorry. I won't touch it again. It's not nice date etiquette. I mean, I'm guessing so anyway. I've never actually been on a date."

Luke laughs, "It's okay. I don't mind. It's not like this is a real date anyway."

 _Ouch._ "Right. I'll pay for my own movie ticket then," I smile politely, trying to pretend like his words didn't puncture my heart. I let my head fall backwards against the headrest as Luke looks for a carpark.

My heart is still aching when we get out of the car, subsiding slightly when Luke takes hold of my hand.  As we walk into the movie theatre, he leans down and whispers in my ear, "You know what? I've never been on a date either."

 

Tess and Heath are already lining up when we get there. While we're waiting to get our tickets, I can't help but watch them and feel slightly envious. Heath's hand is on her back and he keeps whispering things in her ear and making her laugh.

When we get to the booth, I decide to pay for Luke's ticket. "You didn't have to do that," he says quietly. I didn't do it for him, though. I did it for me. So I can live in denial for a while longer and pretend that this is actually a real date. I've reached a whole new level of pathetic.

"Do you think Joss and Michael will get back together?" Tess asks me suddenly while we're walking into the movie.

"Um, I'm not sure," I answer honestly. And given today's developments, I'd rather not talk about Joss and Michael.

"It's a shame, really. They've been together for so long."

"But now we've got a better shot at getting voted Cutest Couple," Heath says with a dopey smile.

"Baby, those yearbook awards are such a joke," Tess says quickly, her eyes flickering over to me. I know what she's thinking: she's thinking that last year Luke got voted Biggest Playboy. She doesn't have to feel sorry for me. I know who Luke was before we started dating.

We choose seats right up the back which is kind of annoying because it's harder to see and I didn't bring my glasses. Five minutes after the cinema goes dark, it's apparent why Tess and Heath chose these seats: they had no intention of actually watching the movie.

"This is so awkward," I whisper to Luke, trying to pretend Tess and Heath aren't making out right next to me.

"They're just kissing," Luke laughs quietly.

"I can literally hear the sound of their tongues moving," I cringe.

"Do you want to switch seats?"

The person in front of us turns around and scowls, "Excuse me, some of us are trying to watch the movie."

Luke and I switch seats and I decide to check my phone again. There's still no message from Michael. There's one from Luke though.

**Luke: not going to lie. i'm kind of turned on right now**

I turn my head to look at him. He's smirking, still holding his phone in his hand. 

**Me: That's disgusting.**

**Luke: what? it's been ages since i've gotten any action**

**Me: Whose fault is that?**

**Luke: we aren't having sex**

**Luke: it's in the rules**

**Me: The rules were stupid**

**Luke: don't get mad**

**Luke: anger is a sign of sexual frustration you know**

I look at Luke again and he winks at me. I know he's just being playful and flirty because that's who Luke is.

Something about the dark movie theatre makes me feel brave and I decide I can be playful and flirty too. I slide my hand over to Luke's knee, gently running my fingers up his jeans and then lightly across his crotch. Then I give him a coy smile and look back at my phone.

**Luke: please don't do that again**

**Luke: otherwise i'll be tempted to break the rules**

**Me: You care too much about the rules**

**Luke: no i care too much about you**

**Me: So you've never thought about us having sex?**

**Luke: of course i've thought about it**

**Luke: it would be mind blowing**

**Luke: sex with me is always mind blowing ;)**

**Me: I kissed calum on the cheek today**

**Me: It was an accident**

**Luke: you don't owe me an explanation**

**Me: I'm sorry**

**Luke: or an apology**

**Me: This movie is confusing**

**Luke: that's because you haven't watched any of it**

**Me: that's because you're distracting me**

**Me: do you think they'll stop kissing soon?**

**Luke: probably not**

**Luke: i swear i just heard tess moan**

**Me: Oh my god**

**Me: That's disgusting**

**Me: We're in a public theatre!!**

**Luke: i know right**

**Luke: i'd never have sex in a theatre**

**Luke: bc my legs are too long and the seats are too squishy**

**Me: DO YOU THINK THEY'RE LITERALLY GOING TO HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW?**

**Luke: nah. i'm pretty sure she's giving him a hand job though**

**Luke: lucky bastard**

**Me: you can have a hand job if you want...**

**Me: you've got your own two hands ;)**

**Luke: that was mean ruby**

**Luke: i thought you were offering**

**Me: You wish**

**Luke: i am wishing**

**Me: I would but I don't want to break your precious rules**

**Luke: i don't want to break you**

**Me: ...**

**Luke: ...**

**Me: I'm waiting for you to make a joke about how big your penis is**

**Luke: i can't believe you just said penis**

**Me: technically I texted it**

**Luke: i'm being serious okay**

**Me: I think I should sleep with Calum**

**Luke: please don't**

**Me: Can you imagine him in bed?**

**Luke: i'd rather not**

**Luke: but you should wait**

**Me: I have waited**

**Luke: wait longer**

**Luke: wait** **until you find someone special**

Before I can text back, Luke places his hand on my knee to get my attention. He's holding his phone up, the screen blank. "Battery died," he whispers.We watch the rest of the movie in silence.


	29. Chapter 29

I'm not even surprised when Joss cancels our shopping plans for Saturday. Her text says she doesn't feel well. _Morning sickness,_ I'm assuming.

I still haven't said anything to Michael. I made up a lie saying that I think her parents have been arguing and she's worried about them getting divorced. That should buy me some time until I figure out what to do next.

Now that I have the entire day free, I text Luke: **Do you want to come over? My dad's not home.**

I reread over the message after I've pressed send. It sounds much more provocative than I meant it to be. At this point though, I think all of my subtlety and dignity has flown out the proverbial window, and yet I still don't think Luke realises that I've developed a fully-fledged, stomach-full-of-butterflies, want-to-kiss-him-until-I-can't-feel-my-lips crush on him.

 He writes back:  **I can't right now. I'm helping Mum clean out the garage. Later** **?**

 **Okay :-)** I reply.

Instead of sitting around by myself, I decide to go shopping as planned. I should probably get used to doing things like this on my own. There's no way Joss will end up at the same university as me next year, and especially if I move away, it's unlikely anyone else I know will either.

The USU course catalog sitting on my desk catches the corner of my eye while I'm fixing my hair. The more I think about it, the more drawn the psychology I am.

I get to the shopping centre and head straight for the book store to find a copy of _Psychology: from Inquiry to Understanding._ It's from the USU recommended reading list and maybe the first book I'll ever voluntarily read that hasn't been for school.

Lots of people think that being smart means I automatically love reading which is so untrue. I'd much rather listen to music or watch movies than read. Maybe it's a patience thing. I can get the same story out of a movie that takes ninety minutes to watch, rather than slaving over endless pages to eventually come to the exact same ending.

In the book store, I find the one I'm looking for almost instantly. It's brightly coloured cover stands out amongst the other books in this section and I know they say never to judge a book by its cover but it does look far more appealing than the others. There's mild panic when I go to pay for the book and the boy behind the counter tells me it's $126. I regretfully hand over my card, reasoning that it will be a useful textbook for next year and hoping that Dad will pay me back for it, seeing as its for my education.

There's a small cafe located on the upper level of the book shop so I take the escalator up, order an iced mocha and then take a seat at one of the cushiony red chairs by the window.

I imagine that this is what next year will be like: me, caffeinated beverages and books. I'll find cute cafes that will become my local study spots to pass my days and maybe I'll spend my nights going to watch bands in tiny, dirty pubs or take an art class or something. Isn't that what uni is all about anyway? Finding yourself?

Lately I feel like I hardly know myself at all. Part of my life is one giant lie, and the other part has been playing mother to Alfie.

"Ruby?" Calum smiling face peers down at me. He's holding a book in one hand and a cappuccino in the other.

"Hey," I smile, the pitch of my voice high in surprise and delight.

"Mind if I sit?" he asks, gesturing to the empty seat opposite me. I nod, and he sits down, setting both his drink and the book on the small coffee table between us. "I didn't expect to see you here."

"Yeah, this isn't usually my scene," I smile. "I'm usually more of a lay in bed all day watching Netflix kind of girl." 

"I come here a lot. I like it," he looks around the cafe. "The people, the noise, it's easier for me to concentrate here than at home." I look at him questioningly, wondering what he means but not feeling comfortable enough to ask. "Picture Ashton's house, but achingly quiet. Sometimes it's so quiet I can hear my own heart beating."

"Do you have any siblings?"

"A sister. She doesn't live at home anymore though. What about you?"

"Two brothers, and when they're both around the house is never quiet," I laugh.

"You're lucky," he says with a hint of sadness. 

 _You're too beautiful to be sad_ , I think as I find myself saying, "You should come over some time, to study or just hang out. If you want."

Calum's eyebrows raise, seeming a little surprised by my offer. Then he smiles. "Yeah, that'd be cool."

"Cool," I repeat, trying to figure out when Calum and I reached a stage where I could simply invite him over to my house. It wasn't that long ago that I barely spoke to him.

"How come you never spoke to me? Before this year?"

"I was kind of intimidated of you, to be honest."

"You? Intimidated?" He looks surprised, taking his coffee from the table and taking a sip. A small piece of cappuccino foam catches in the corner of his mouth which he licks away quickly.

"Is that really so shocking?"

"Yeah," Calum nods, setting his coffee back down and then scratching the back of his neck for a moment. I love the way he does that whenever he's thinking or slightly nervous. "It is. You're not like the other girls from school Ruby. You're smart and you're not easily pressured by other people. I didn't think anyone could intimidate you."

I'm flattered by his outside impression of me, no matter how far from the truth it is. In my neurotic little brain, I'm intimidated by almost everyone. It's probably the reason Joss and Luke have been my only two real friends. 

I guess that's the thing of impressions or ideas that we form. Just because we see someone to be one thing doesn't mean that's who they really are. "What's your book about?"

"Nebulae."

"Neb-you-what?"

He laughs, his eyes crinkling in the most adoring way. "Nebulae. They're like space clouds made from dust and hydrogen and other gases, formed by gravitational attraction."

I smile as he continues to explain what a nebula is, watching the way his hands become more animated as he speaks and the way his tongue coats his lips every few minutes. It's as if time has come to a still and there's only Calum as the centre of my universe, pulling me into him with the same gravitational attraction he's talking about.

"I'm sorry I waited so long to speak to you," I suddenly blurt out, interrupting him explaining how sometimes stars form within a nebula, illuminating the cloud entirely.

He smiles, not even the slightest bit upset for the interruption. "I'm sorry too, Rubes. Things could have been different."

"Different?" Something inside me aches for the way this conversation is unfolding. I wish he wasn't so perfect. I feel like my emotions have been thrown into a blender and now I can't tell which feelings belong to Calum and which ones belong to Luke. 

"Yeah, like, things could have been different with us." He stares at me with his brown eyes, rendering me quite literally speechless. Did he just admit to liking me? His sweet face creases with a frown, "Sorry, that was inappropriate. You're with Luke and he's one of my best mates, I'm sorry. I guess you have this weird way of making me honest."

"I think Joss is pregnant," the words come out quickly and without thought again. Calum has a way of making me honest too, which is refreshing given the web of lies I've wrapped myself in lately. "You can't tell anyone. I haven't told Luke or Michael yet."

He pretends to zip his lips shut, "You can trust me."

"Yeah," I smile, "I know."

 

 

"Have you ever been with a virgin before?" I'm laying on my bed and Luke's perched at the end, painting my toenails red.

His hand shakes a little, getting a speck of polish on my little toe. He wipes it away with swift precision and then looks up at me, "Nope. I don't do virgins. It's a rule I have."

 _You and your rules._ "Why not? Do you think they'll be bad a sex or something?"

"What? No, that's not it. I'm not that much of a dick."

"Why, then?"

"Because sex means too much to them. I don't want that kind of responsibility especially when I've only ever been looking for something casual."

"Maybe not every girl wants something serious though. Maybe some girls just want their first time to be with someone they like and trust, and someone they're really attracted too."

He finishes painting one of my feet, and then looks up at me. "I'm not having sex with you, Ruby."

"I wasn't talking about us, you idiot," I roll my eyes, throwing a small cushion towards him. He dodges it, and screws the lid back onto the bottle of nail polish. "I was talking about me and Calum."

Luke groans as he scoots up the bed to lay next to me, "Just because you two had a cute coffee date today doesn't mean you should sleep with him."

"You're being a real jerk tonight."

"I'm only being honest. I think you'd regret it."

"I trust him."

"He's slept with half of our grade."

"That's still less than you," I scoff.

"He's got a bad reputation."

"No, he's just misunderstood."

"You hardly know him."

As our eyes stay locked, I'm trying to find something in Luke blue irises. I just need something to reassure me that maybe he likes me too. "Luke, you're wasting your time trying to talk me out of it. Unless you can give me an actual reason not to sleep with him, it's my decision to make."

"Things are going really good between you two," he says, only his voice turns up at the end making it sound like a question.

"Yeah, they really are." _Unfortunately my feelings for you keep getting in the way._

A sigh falls in the between us, "Alright."

"That's it?" I raise my eyebrows at him. "You're not going to fight me on this anymore?"

"No," he shakes his head. "You've made it clear you really like him."

"You do remember he's the reason we started our fake relationship in the first place, right?"

Luke picks up a piece of my hair, twirling it between his fingers. "Yeah, but that was before."

"Before what?"

"Before we kissed. Like, properly kissed."

My stomach flips over and I'm bracing myself for what's coming. This is really it. I want to kiss him right now but I need to hear what he's going to say. He's going to confess that he's been feeling it too: every flittering butterfly, every nerve-dancing touch, every - 

"I was worried that kiss had changed things between us and that maybe you didn't want Calum anymore, and honestly, I was confused for a bit there too but now... now we know we're on the same page."

"What page is that?" I ask slowly. The conversation is swiftly reversing from the direction I'd expected it to take.

"You're trying to get Calum and I'm - "

"You're trying to land your mystery girl," I finish flatly, irrationally jealous of this unknown girl. Luke hasn't spilled a single piece of information about her. She's like a perfect mythical creature, like a unicorn or a mermaid.

"Right."

In spite of myself, I have to ask. "How are things going with your mystery girl anyway?"

Luke uses his tongue to play with his lip ring, considering his answer for a moment. "After a few hiccups, things aren't too bad."


	30. Chapter 30

"I'm sure I don't have to remind you all of the exam on Friday," Mr Field's says at the end of class. Almost everyone is already out the door, myself included.

"Ruby, wait up!"

I turn on my heels to see Tess's smiling face. She's clutching her books close to her test, "How crazy has exam week been."

Pretty standard exam week, I want to say. Instead I agree with her, "Pretty crazy."

"I don't think I ever told you how much fun we had with you guys at the movies."

I gawk at her pretty face, thinking back to double date that was basically just a heavy make-out session for the couple, with Luke and I as an non-participating audience. I guess we have different ideas on what constitutes as fun.

Not that I'm complaining. It was fun hanging out with Luke. 

"Yeah, it was great. We should do it again sometime." It's an empty offer but one I deliver with a smile. Mine and Luke's relationship is fast approaching it's expiry date. We've barely seen each other this past fortnight because of exams. It's a good thing, though. I needed the distance.

He's already waiting for me when I get to my car. I like that he's always prompt on the days I have to pick Alfie up from school. "How'd you go today?" Luke catches the car keys I throw at him and takes his usual spot in the drivers seat. I wonder if we'll still ride to school together when this is all over. Or maybe I'll start riding with Calum.

"I only had Maths. I think I did good." I look out the window rather than at Luke. "How about you?"

"I had PE theory," he says, driving out of the school car park. "Pretty sure I nailed it."

Alfie's waiting for us when we get to his school. He swings into the car, unusually chipper. "Hi Ruby, hi Luke!"

"How was your day, bud?"

"It was the very best day of my entire life."

I turn around to look at my little brother. His face is tinted pink and his smile reaches right up to his ears. "Well, don't keep all of the excitement to yourself. What happened?"

He takes a slow and serious breath, "So, just before recess we had computer studies and on the way to the computer room, Tilly passed me a note."

"Who's Tilly?" Luke quizzes, glancing back at Alfie in the rear-view mirror.

"Madison's best friend," Alfie beams. "The note was from Madison asking me if I'd walk to recess with her."

"And then what happened?"

"We walked to the recess tables together but on the way," Alfie takes another deep breath," she took hold of my hand and we stayed like that for at least five minutes."

The ecstatic grin on Alfie's face is the same one Luke used to get after a date with a girl. The face that basically gave away if he'd gotten laid or not. 

"Way to go, ladies man," Luke parks the car in the driveway, leaning back and giving Alfie a light punch on the shoulder. "I might have to ask you for some tips."

The three of us get out of my car and Luke waves goodbye, starting to walk up his own driveway when Alfie calls out, "Luke! Do you want to come over for dinner? Ruby's making tacos!"

I'm praying that he'll say no, determined to keep up the distance I've finally put between myself and my feelings towards Luke. 

There's no hope for me when Luke cocks his head to the side and tells Alfie he'd love to.

 

"Dinner's ready," I shout out to the boys who are in the backyard playing with Pepper. "Wash your hands before you sit down, please," I tell Alfie when he comes in, his face all sweaty and red. "You too, Luke."

"Yes, _Mum,_ " Luke teases, following Alfie to the bathroom.

"I love love love tacos," Alfie practically sings when the three of us sit down.

"As much as you love holding hands with Madison?" Luke coos, setting down a flour tortilla on his plate.

"I don't love anything as much as I love holding hands with Madison," Alfie says solemnly. Luke kicks me from underneath the table to stop me from giggling.

"You've inspired me, bud," Luke takes the guacamole from me, our fingers brushing ever so slightly. I will myself to ignore the tingling nerves. "One day I hope to find a girl that I love more than tacos."

From over the giant bowl of cheese, Alfie looks right at Luke and says, "I bet you could love Ruby more than you love tacos." 

I almost choke on a corn chip. Luke barely blinks. "Nah, because Ruby already has someone she likes more than tacos."

"Calum," Alfie rolls his eyes. "He's just as bad as Mikayla."

"There's nothing wrong with Calum," I interject. "Or Mikayla, for that matter."

"Every time Finn brings her here, they just sit in the corner sucking on each others faces," Alfie twists his mouth in disgust.

"Alright, let's just eat before it gets cold," I say in the motherly tone I've picked up lately. Although at this point, my appetite is pretty much non-existent.

Luke helps me wash up the dishes before he goes home and then I call Joss, still trying to gently coax out a pregnancy confession. By the time I get off the phone, it's past 10pm and I still haven't done any study for Friday's legal studies exam. There's a text from Calum, though, which puts an instant smile on my face.

**Calum: How's your studying going?**

I lay down on my bed, giving myself a ten minute rest break before I switch my phone off and actually study. **  
**

**Me:  It's not going at all lol**

**Me: I just got off the phone to Joss**

**Calum: Any progress?**

**Me: Nope**

**Me: I don't want to force it out of her. I just wish she felt comfortable enough to tell me.**

**Calum: Maybe she's scared.**

**Calum: I'd be pretty fucking terrified. Wouldn't you?**

**Me: Yeah**

**Me: But there's no chance of that happening**

**Calum: Joss probably thought the same thing**

**Calum: Even safe sex isn't 100%**

**Me: Yeah but there is literally no chance of me getting pregnant**

**Me: You have to actually have sex for that to happen**

**Calum: Oh**

**Calum: I get it now**

**Calum: But really?**

**Calum: Sorry. I shouldn't have asked that. It's not my business**

**Me: It's okay**

**Me: And yes really. I'm probably the only virgin left in our year. Haha**

**Calum: I'm just surprised**

**Calum: You're dating Luke so I just kind of assumed...**

**Calum: Can you ask me an invasive personal question so I don't feel so bad?**

Okay, make that a twenty minute rest break, I promise myself, rolling over on the bed so that I'm lying on my stomach.

**Me: Let me think of one**

**Me: Um..**

**Me: What's your favourite band?**

**Calum: Haha. That's not personal!**

**Calum: But probably McFly or something**

**Calum: Or Jimmy Eat World**

**Me: I love Jimmy Eat World!**

**Calum: Do you want to play 20 questions?**

**Me: Okay. You go first**

**Calum: What's your middle name?**

**Me: Louise :|**

**Calum: Ruby Louise**

**Calum: That's cute**

**Calum: Can I call you Ruby Lou?**

**Me: I'd rather you didn't**

**Me: My mum used to call me that**

**Calum: Used to? :(**

**Me: She didn't die or anything**

**Me: She just left**

**Calum: Oh :(**

**Me: It's okay. I don't really mind.**

**Me: Is it your question?**

**Calum: No, it's yours**

**Me: What's your middle name?**

**Calum: You can't just steal my question! Haha**

**Calum: Choose another one**

**Calum: It's Thomas btw**

**Me: Do you have any secret talents?**

**Calum: Um....**

**Calum: I have one but it's probably not appropriate to say**

**Me: I'm curious now**

**Calum: It's... sexual. Haha**

**Me: Oh**

**Me: Next question then? Haha**


	31. Chapter 31

I'm sitting at our lunch table and texting Calum when Joss slaps down a green smoothie in front of me. "I'm throwing a party this weekend. My parents are going away."

"Are you sure you're up for a party?" I ask thoughtfully. Maybe we could just have a quiet girls night. We still haven't hung out properly since her and Michael broke up.

"What?"

"I mean... where are your parents going?"

"Japan," she sits down and sips her own green smoothie. It's good to see her with one of her gross green drinks instead of a coffee. Large amounts of caffeine can be dangerous in the first trimester I found out online.

"For the weekend?"

"No!" she sighs, seemingly back to her regular self. "They're leaving on Wednesday. Mikayla is inviting a bunch of her older friends so there'll tons of eligible, older bachelors." She raises an eyebrow at me. I guess she's really moving on. Poor Michael. Every time I see him he asks how Joss is with a hopeful smile.

"Are you sure you're ready to move on? You and Michael could still work things out."

"I don't want to work things out with Michael," she answers in a bored tone.

"He'd be there for you, you know." He really would be. I imagine Michael's giant body cradling a tiny little baby. I have no doubt he'd take care of Joss and the baby.

"Ruby, just stop, please. I don't need Michael." She stares at me hard and I wonder if she knows that I'm onto her. Being a single parent is hard but if that's the decision she wants to make, I'll support her.

"Sorry I'm late," Luke sits down, stealing a sip from the smoothie Joss bought me. "I had my careers meeting."

"How did you go?" I ask, turning my body to face Luke's. He rests his hand on my lower back as he talks, putting on a show for Joss and everyone else around us.

"I've decided to take a year off. I'll get a job and take the time to figure out what I really want to do in life."

There was a small part of me that wanted him to come back from talking to the career's adviser and tell me that he's decided to go to uni, preferably USU. With Joss watching on, I say the only thing I can do in my role as the supportive girlfriend, "Whatever makes you happy. We'll make it work."

"I can't believe you're going to be leaving next year," Joss says sadly.

"I have to get in first," I remind her. I realise that she's probably thinking that she'll be here, raising a baby alone while I'm off at uni. I don't want her to think I'm abandoning here. "Besides," I add in a reassuring tone, "it's two hours away. I'll be able to visit all the time."

 

"Pepper, shake hands," Alfie says, holding out a dog treat in front of the dog. She doesn't lift a paw, instead she creeps closer to my brother and sniffs the treat in his hand.

"We'll practice again tomorrow," he sighs, handing her the treat and patting her head.

"She'll get there," I encourage him. "You just have to be patient."

"I'm not upset. She's made lots of progress." Pepper jumps up onto his lap and lays down, her eyes slowly coming to a close. "She's not scared of loud noises anymore."

"You've been so good to her," I'm smiling, watching Alfie pat her head fondly. Getting a dog has been really great for him. She keeps him busy and puts an almost permanent smile on her face.

"Me and Luke finally got her to fetch this morning," his face lights up. "She really likes him."

I feel my body stiffen slightly at the mention of Luke's name. "See? You got her to fetch. You'll get her to sit." Then to change the subject away from Luke, I add, "Hey, maybe you could ask Madison over one afternoon. I'm sure she'd love Pepper."

After Alfie is tucked in, I have my shower and get into a pair of pyjamas. I've got an English practice essay to write but it's so hard to concentrate. In addition to Joss's baby, I'm thinking about Calum. We've been texting every night this week and it's starting to feel like I'm cheating on Luke. I'm full of regret as I pick up my phone, knowing that once I say the words I can't take them back.

It's the right thing to do though, it's time to end it.

**Me: I think we should break up this week**

**Luke: what?**

**Luke: this is so sudden and unexpected**

_Is he kidding?_ ****

**Me: Are you joking?**

**Me: I know we never put an end date on things but I wouldn't say it's unexpected**

**Luke: relax ruby. i was playing around**

**Luke: i think it's a good idea**

**Me: really?**

**Luke: yeah**

**Luke: the plans worked so there's no use continuing the charade any longer**

Reading the words makes me feel nostalgic before this is even over, but there's no going back. The sooner Luke and I sever ties, the sooner I can move on. I need to go back to looking at him as Luke, my best friend who lives next door, not Luke, the boy I'm head over heels for.

**Me: Right. We should do it before the weekend.**

**Me: Before Joss's party**

**Luke: before friday night?**

**Luke: any special reason why?**

**Me: Yes**

**Luke: ???**

**Me: It's personal!**

**Luke: you tell me everything**

**Me: Well, Calum will be at the party**

**Me: So... you know**

**Luke: no i don't know**

**Me: You know what I'm trying to say!**

**Luke: if you can't even say it you're not ready**

**Me: Fine**

**Me: I'm planning on sleeping with Calum this weekend**

**Luke: sleeping as in snuggling and snoring?**

**Me: I do not snore!**

**Luke: lol yes you do**

**Luke: like a fucking freight train**

**Luke: it's cute**

**Me: Whatever**

**Me: It doesn't matter anyway. I don't plan on actually sleeping**

**Luke: ???**

**Me: OMG!**

**Me: Why do you have to make things so hard?**

**Me: I want to have to have sex with Calum at Joss's party. Okay?**

**Me: You are so invasive and annoying**

**Me: Really? You're not even going to reply now?**

I roll my eyes and start typing another message when there's a knock on my window. It slides open and Luke's breathless body climbs through.

I stand up from my desk chair and cross my arms over my chest so that he knows I'm annoyed. "What are you -"

His hands press onto either side of my cheeks, air still falling quickly through his mouth as he's catching his breath. "Fuck the rules, Ruby." he says desperately. The frown between his brows pulls his vulnerable blue eyes together. "Don't choose Calum, choose me. Let me be your first."


	32. Chapter 32

There are so many things I should say. 

Like, we're breaking our own rules. I've already chosen Calum or you don't sleep with virgins. Also, Alfie's asleep down the hall.

And then there is the most obvious one: why the sudden change in heart? This entire time Luke's been determined for us to not take things too far, and now here he is, breathless and desperate waiting for me to say something.

I answer with a kiss. A messy, uncontrolled kiss. Luke's fingers tangle themselves in my hair, eventually finding their way to the nape of my neck. My back's against the wall, my hands already trying to pull his shirt off of his body. I want this. I want him.

My hips press further against his, every part of me growing more desperate for him as the seconds pass. I tug on his bottom lip gently with my teeth, remembering how much he liked that last time.

"Wait," Luke groans, tearing his lips from mine. Disappointment rolls through me as I think that he's changed his mind. "I want to do this properly."

He scoops me up into his arms and walks over to my bed, laying me down gently. I'm still trying to catch my breath from the kiss as Luke climbs on top of me slowly, using his arms either side of my body to support his weight.

He kisses me again, this time it's slow and sweet. I feel it right down to my toes. His tongue moves gently, and a tender hand is placed to my cheek. The gentle, calculated movements of our bodies are so far from what I'm feeling inside.

My pulse is racing with anticipation and excitement and a tiny bit of fear. I'm worried about it hurting. Joss said her first time hurt.

But then Luke's other hand moves to my stomach, lifting up my shirt a little so his fingers can run freely along the skin. It sets my entire body on fire. Our mouths part and Luke peels my shirt off. His gaze moves over my bare chest, biting into his lip in appreciation.

His shirt comes off next, and then his body is pressed against mine and our kiss resumes. The sounds of soft kisses and shaky breathes fill the spaces between us until we're both naked. "You sure you're ready?"

"Yes," I lean forward and leave a small kiss on his mouth. Underneath the sheets, our bodies are tangled and enfolded together.

"I'm scared of hurting you," His fingers are twirling a piece of hair at the base of my neck when his forehead connects gently with mine.

"You won't," I whisper back, unable to focus on him properly.

He nods, leaning off of the bed to reach for his jeans. He pulls out a condom and rips open the packet. I expect to feel awkward watching him roll the condom on, but I don't. 

His kisses me again, lightly and then more intense. It brings every nerve of my body to the surface and I'm barely able to breath now.

"Tell me if it gets too much, okay?" His lips are on my ear as he speaks, sending shivers down my spine. 

His eyes stay on mine as he slides into me. I end up breaking the eye contact first, closing my eyes as the intensity takes over. As his hips begin to move slowly, Luke starts groaning into our kiss. It's the kind of sound that makes me feel intoxicated and powerful.

It takes a while for me to adjust to Luke's slow thrusts. I can tell by his guttural sounds just how much he's restraining his movements. He continues to kiss me, breaking every so often to check if I'm okay. Sweat slowly builds on his forehead until he drops his head next to mine, his lips hitting my neck. "Fuck," his mouth moves against my neck. He starts kissing the skin and then sucking hard, my fingernails raking hard down his back.

Luke draws his head back up, "You still okay, baby?" he pants, open-mouthed and erratic. His breath fans across my face as I nod. His thrusts are still slow though they begin to reach deeper. I dig my fingers into his arms and Luke curses into my mouth as he comes.

For a while we lay there breathing heavily, the sweat between us gluing our bodies and limbs together.

I don't remember falling asleep but when I wake up, it's still dark outside and Luke's awake next to me. "What time is it?"

"Almost two," he says in a clear voice. He hasn't slept at all.

"Why are you still awake?"

His foot touches mine underneath the blankets, "I didn't want to leave while you were sleeping but I can't stay. Your dad would kill me if he came home and found us like this."

"Yeah," I laugh softly. "He probably would."

"Are you going to be okay if I leave?"

"Yeah," I sit up, drawing the sheet up over my body. "You don't have to treat me like this."

"Like what?"

"Like you've done something wrong, or like I'll break if you leave now. I'm okay. Honestly."

He hesitates, and then kisses my forehead before getting up and getting dressed. He kisses my forehead again and the climbs out the window. My phone beeps five minutes later.

**Luke: i hope it was special for you x**

**Me: It was x**

**Me: Get some sleep. We've got exams tomorrow x**

 

It feels weird getting ready for school the next morning. I make an extra effort with my hair and spray an extra spritz of perfume. I lie to myself, saying I'm trying to make myself look less tired. 

When I walk into the kitchen, Dad's already sitting down with a cup of black coffee. I try not to make eye contact with him as I put a piece of bread in the toaster.  _Will he be able to tell?_ I panic.

"Sleep well?" he asks, looking up from the newspaper.

"No better or worse than usual," I answer, opening the fridge and staring at the contents for a while. It's not toast I need, it's coffee. I take the milk out and grab a coffee cup from the corner cupboard. "How was night shift?"

I don't even hear his answer. I'm trying to remember the most important parts of my Chemistry notes. Maybe I should take my textbook and do a last minute read through in the seniors lounge when I get to school.

"Ruby?" Dad says, slightly irritated.

"What?"

"Are you okay? You seem very nervous this morning."

"Who? Me?" I squeak. _Quick, brain. Think of an excuse and don't you dare blurt out that you're both tired yet unexplainably hyped up because you had sex for the first time last night and with Luke of all people._

"I think I know what's going on," Dad says as Alfie walks into the kitchen carrying Pepper. He sets her down, pouring some food into her dog bowl. "You're nervous about your exams today."

I give him a _you-got-me_ kind of smile, "I didn't study as much as I could have," I say, which definitely isn't a lie.

"You'll nail it," Dad smiles, before asking Alfie something about his science project.

Luke barely makes it to our front door before I'm ushering him out and into the car out of fear that Dad and Alfie will somehow notice the change between us.

"Are you nervous?" Luke asks when we get into the car. His hair is messy and his facial hair more prominent. It's a crime that he looks this good, especially today.

"It's just sex, Luke. It's not really a big deal."

He laughs awkwardly, "I was talking about your chemistry exam, Ruby."

The sound of my name coming from his lips suddenly sounds foreign and for the rest of the ride to school all I can hear is the way his voice sounded last night when he called me baby.


	33. Chapter 33

I'm pretty sure I failed my chemistry exam. My mind went blank in the test and I couldn't remember anything. I was too distracted, I'm _still_ distracted. All I can think about is Luke and his body, and our bodies, _together..._

There's a light touch on my shoulder, and then Calum's in front of me smiling. "How was your exam?" 

"Definitely not my best," I laugh, hoping to sweeten the bitter sting of disappointment. I really wanted to get good marks in science this year so that my USU application would look more appealing. "How about you?"

He shrugs, "I had physics. I think I did well." Of course he did, because he's perfect. Even Calum Hood isn't stupid enough to spend the night before a huge exam having sex instead of studying.

I bury my face in my hands, partly out of frustration and partly to hide the yawn coming from my mouth. I wonder if Calum can notice a difference in me. All day I've felt paranoid, like I'm walking around with a neon sign on my head saying, _**I had sex last night!**_   

Calum's hand touches my lower back, concerned brown eyes staring at me as I peer over my hands. "You okay, Rubes?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," I lie, considering for a second that I should just tell Calum everything. I hate that I have this natural instinct to be so honest with him, especially when my life is full of so many lies at the moment. _Only for a little bit longer,_ I remind myself.

"Hey," Calum's hand drops from my back as Luke runs over to us. "How'd you go?"

"I'm actually really sick of talking about exams," I laugh again. It's incredibly awkward standing here in-between both boys like this and not just because they stand so much taller than me. I look at Calum first, and then to Luke, and then it hits me that I've really made my choice.

Last nights events cleared my head and I can finally see what's right in front of me. It's not just because I slept with Luke, although maybe that helped me to see it, but it's more than that.

Calum is perfect. On paper, he's everything anyone could ever want in a boyfriend. He's sweet and kind and funny and smart. And over the last few weeks, I've seen how much he's grown and changed from the notorious party boy he was last year. He's everything I ever imagined him to be after all my time spent pining over him and lightly stalking his every move.

When Calum smiles, _it's contagious._ He has this way of smiling with his entire face. It's warm and kind, like actual sunbeams are emitting from his pores. He would be so easy to love.

But Luke. Adorable, sometimes awkward, often cocky, Luke. He's got plenty of flaws, and I probably know of them all, but he's the only boy I want to be with. I can't write a long list of things I love about him because it's not the type of adoration that you can measure on paper. It's something I feel, there's no other way to explain it.

"Just one more exam to get through," Luke swings his arm across my shoulder, "and then we'll be free. For a little bit anyway," he laughs.

"Are you guys going to Joss's party?" Calum asks, his eyes not quite meeting mine or Luke's.

I look up at Luke, who nods. I don't know what this means for our staged break-up that we both agreed on yesterday. I'm certainly not going to be the one to bring it up. Luke doesn't mention it in the car either.

When we get home, we sit in the car for a moment with an empty silence between us. "I'd invite you in but I really need to study for tomorrow." I'm surprised how normal things are between us in light of last nights events.

"I'll text you later," he says with a smile. There's no kiss or hug goodbye, but then, why would there be?

I only say a quick hello to Dad and Alfie, before making myself a milkshake and going into my room to study. It's virtually impossible, though. My entire room feels different. I keep looking over at my bed, thinking about the story the sheets now hold. 

I pick up my phone to call Joss. We barely had a moment to talk properly today and somehow sending a  _I lost my virginity last night!_ text feels a little out of the question. Plus, Alfie always manages to find out my passcode. Imagine if he snooped and found those series of texts? I think I'd quite literally want to crawl into a hole and die.

If I weren't me, this might be one of those moments where I'd be wishing Mum was still around. But I'm just not one of those girls. She could be here and present and nurturing and there's still not a chance I'd tell her about boys or sex or anything in between. Some things don't need to be shared between parents and children.

I wonder what kind of mum Joss will be. It's hard to imagine her in charge of another human being. She's always been quite selfish and self-absorbed. Not in a bad way, just, in a typical seventeen year old kind of way made worse by the fact that she's the youngest sibling and is, somehow, even more spoilt than Mikayla.

Speaking of Mikayla, I send Finn a text asking if he's going over to her house tomorrow. Joss said Mikayla is inviting friends so I'm guessing he'll be there and I'm hoping to get a ride over so I don't have to worry about driving.

After pressing send, I set a timer on my phone and open my textbook. When the timer beeps, I take a ten minute study break. It's a more organised approached than I usually take but desperate times and all that.

Finn texts me back in my third study break, saying he'll pick me up tomorrow afternoon. There's a Facebook message from Michael too.

**Michael: guess what?**

**Michael: joss invited me to her party!!!!**

**Michael: i think she wants to work things out**

**Me: OMG!**

**Me: I knew you two could work it out!**

What I don't type is how happy I am that Joss won't have to go through her pregnancy alone, I mean, assuming she wants to keep the baby. I guess there could be a possibility she won't, I'm not sure. It's not something we've ever spoken about. It's not something I've ever had to give much thought about, either.

When I take my fourth study break, I set a reminder in my phone to call the doctors tomorrow and make an appointment to get on birth control. You know, just in case. I text Luke too, telling him that I'm going to bed soon and I'll see him in the morning.

As I'm falling asleep, I finally allow myself to think properly about Joss's party tomorrow night and how I'm going to tell Luke exactly how I feel. 

This time I won't use stupid puppy analogies or kiss him without explanation. I'm going to be brutally honest and tell him that I'm indeed completely, ridiculously, embarrassingly in love with him.


	34. Chapter 34

It's unusually warm on Friday. Not sweating-so-much-my-thighs-glue-together kind of warm, but warm enough that I don't need to wear a cardigan to school.

The feeling that I pretty much aced my legal studies exam puts an extra spring into my step as I'm leaving school. Luke's meeting me at Joss's tonight which is definitely a good thing because it gives me all afternoon to get ready, and to freak out about tonight's looming confession in private. So, it's just me and an old Madonna song the radio on the way home today.

I've turned the music up really loud and it feels like a scene from a movie. You know the type, just before the girl wins the boy with a slow-building Bon Jovi song playing in the background. Maybe life isn't so far from those romantic comedies Joss is obsessed with. As luck will have it, we might both get our happy endings tonight.

The house is already empty when I get home. Dad and Alfie left straight from school on their annual father-son camping trip. My black dress is still laying on my bed in the same spot I placed it this morning. In the late hours of last night, it had seemed like the perfect dress to wear as I mentally planned out this evening.

Now, it seems too dressy and over-the-top and just not Luke and I. Instead, I hang it back in my wardrobe and choose a short tan skirt and a red blouse.

I wash and blow-dry my hair and apply more makeup than I usually wear before changing into the revised outfit. The reflection in the mirror shows a girl a lot more polished than I usually am. I've still got some time to kill while I wait for Finn so I do two sneaky shots of vodka and send a series of texts. First to Dad, to say I hope he and Alfie enjoy their weekend away. Then to Luke, saying I can't wait to see him and then finally to Michael, wishing him luck for tonight.

I'm thinking about texting Calum as well, because I've sort of been unintentionally ignoring his texts since the night Luke and I slept together, but then Finn arrives and begins lecturing me the length of my skirt.

"Your girlfriend wears skirts half the size of this one," I point out when we finally get into the car.

"But she's my girlfriend, not my kid sister."

"You know I'm nearly an adult."

Finn laughs, "You'll always be a kid to me."

He says it in a kind way, so I decide not to argue back. I guess it's the same with me and Alfie. He'll always be the chubby little toddler who called me Wooby.

"It must be weird for you." Finn says suddenly, about a block from Joss's house. I have no idea what he's talking about so I wait for him to continue. I'm thinking he's about to address the fact that he's dating my best friend's sister when he adds, "You know, with your two best friends dating."

"Weird?" I frown, "I mean, not really. Michael and I have never been that close and they broke up anyway."

"Michael? I meant Joss and Luke."

" _Joss and Luke_?" I laugh, the idea more hilarious than Finn and Mikayla dating.

 "But I saw them when I was at Mikayla's last night." He turns into Joss's street, one mansion after the other lining the green nature strips.

"You've got it wrong, Finn," I say firmly. "Luke and Joss are just friends, and I'm pretty sure her and Michael are getting back together tonight." _And they're going to have a baby together._

"Look Ruby," he sounds defensive now which is irritating because I know he's wrong. "I'm just telling you what I saw."

"Whatever," I mumble outside the window as he parks. I don't give Finn's words another thought. It's obvious he got his wires cross.

Even though it's 7:30 and Joss told me the party starts at 8, there's already a houseful of people. There's a lot of Mikayla's friends. They're easy to notice because the girls wear more modest clothes but way more make-up than Joss's friends, while all of the guys have thick hipster-style beards growing off their face and printed collared shirts.

"Hi Ruby, it's nice to see you," Mikayla says with more enthusiasm than she's ever shown me before. Whenever I used to sleepover at Joss's house she'd mostly just yell at us to turn our music down or criticise my outfit choices. _Maybe she's grown up._ "Although you could have left that blouse at home," she laughs. _Maybe not._

Finn's already got his arm around her waist. "That's my sister. Be nice." It would be more of a heart-warming sentiment if he wasn't practically purring the words in her ear. She trails a finger down his arm and he looks like he's about to combust when Mikayla says to me, "They're outside by the pool."

I guess she's referring to people I actually know so I swing through the kitchen to grab a drink and run into Michael on the way. He's wearing a clean pair of black jeans and what look to be brand new white Converse sneakers.

I gesture to his outfit, because Michael's usually the kind of guy who will wear whatever he rolls out of bed in. "Trying to impress someone?"

He runs a hand through his red hair, and shrugs. "Is it that obvious?"

This time I gesture to my own outfit, "Only to someone who's doing the exact same thing."

He looks confused and that's probably because he doesn't know that Luke and I aren't already dating. "It's a long story," I shrug and we take our drinks outside.

We see Calum first. He's sitting with Tess and Heath and some guy I only know as Macca. I recognise a brunette from one of Ashton's parties, Sophie, I think her name is. She's sitting next to another girl who's holding hands with Ashton.

It takes me a second, and then I see them standing over by the pool fence. Luke's running his hands through his hair while Joss is waving her arms around, in the same way she does whenever she's really angry.

"Stay here," I tell Michael, marching over to Joss and Luke. As I get closer, I notice Joss's bloodshot eyes and the stale stench of alcohol clinging to her pores.

"This is a private conversation, Ruby," is all Joss says, her voice foreign and unfamiliar.

I'm staring at her. At her tear-streaked face, at the discarded beer bottle by her feet that's stained with her lipstick and sickness falls over me. "Oh my god," I whisper. "You lost it."

"Lost what?" Luke asks, his eyes flittering between mine and Joss's. I look at Joss for a second, hoping she's not going to be mad at me for telling him.

Here goes nothing. "Joss was pregnant."

Michael's voice appears out of no where, "Pregnant? What? Oh my god, baby. I'm so sorry," he's already trying to hug her tiny frame in his arms, countless apologies falling from his lips.

And then Joss starts pushing him off, "No, I wasn't pregnant. I'm not pregnant," she looks annoyed. "Why would you think I was pregnant?"

Michael looks panicked, Luke looks confused and Joss looks angry. They're all staring at me now, waiting for answers. "Because... because all the signs were there!"

"What signs?"

"The tiredness, and the mood swings and," I'm trying to remember what made me so sure Joss was pregnant. "And because you've been avoiding me ever since you and Michael broke up."

"Luke kissed me," Joss blurts out. "The night of Ashton's party." 

My mouth goes dry. I don't get a chance to even look at Luke because Michael steps forward, swinging an angry fist towards Luke's face. He manages to duck but Michael's like a raging bull. He shoves Luke against the fence, while Joss and I watch in horror. He punches him twice, I think. It's too hard to determine exactly what's going on. There's a lot of limbs flailing and another body comes between them - Heath, I think. No, it's Calum - and tries to separate the two boys.

"You're supposed to be my fucking mate," Michael spits.

Calum's hand is still pressed against Michael's chest holding him back. There's blood splatters all over Michael's new white Converse shoes, his face in untouched though. It's Luke's blood. There's a cut above his eyebrow and his entire lip has split open.

The sound of my panicked heart is beating loudly, echoing through my ears and all I can do is face Luke for a second and mutter something that sounds like, "We're over, Luke." And then, those three words don't sound like they're enough. So I repeat them, louder this time. "We're fucking over! Don't ever speak to me again."

I barely make three steps away from the train wreck behind me before Luke tugs at my wrist. He pulls me in close and I'm waiting for an explanation or an apology or something. "That was so believable."

He's kidding. Right? He has to be fucking kidding. He's still looking at me with sorry blue eyes and lips stained with blood. "Oh my god," I whisper. He's serious. He thinks my words were nothing but part of our pretend break-up. "Forget it, Luke."

"Forget what?"

"I wasn't fucking pretending, Luke!" I rip my wrist from his. "I mean it, we're done. You're not my friend and you're definitely not the type of guy I want as my boyfriend."

"But, but you agreed to this. It was all part of our plan." The words twist like a blunt knife. No way. This isn't happening. "It's Joss. Joss is my mystery girl."


	35. Chapter 35

"Can someone tell me what the fuck is going on?" Michael's question goes ignored.  

Around us, the party continues. There's a small audience, sure, but we mostly go unnoticed. Most people probably just think of us as another couple having another drunken argument. 

 _Joss is my mystery girl._ _Joss is my mystery girl._ _Joss is my mystery girl._ This doesn't make sense. None of this makes sense.

"We agreed we'd help each other," Luke defends with a heavy frown. It's hard to look at him. It's even harder to see that he has no idea why I'm so upset. "It was part of the plan."

"Was sleeping with me part of the plan too?" I yell, not caring about anyone who's watching this unfold anymore.

I hear Joss's voice break, "You _slept_ with her?" 

"I - I panicked. I thought I was losing her - " Luke doesn't know where to look at first, then his gaze settles on me. "You. I thought I was losing you. I hated the idea of you losing your virginity to Calum instead of me."

"That wasn't your choice to make!"

"You said there was a no sex rule," Joss interjects, still making this about her. Everything has always been about her. It takes a second for me to digest her words and then I realise this is all more of a surprise to me than it is to her.

"You knew. Didn't you?" I focus my angry glare at her. "You knew our relationship was all for show."

The girl who's supposed to be my best friend doesn't even answer. She waits for Luke to swoop in and defend her like a noble knight in skinny jeans. "Don't be angry at Joss. She didn't know," Luke's eyes dart off dishonestly. "She didn't know at first."

"How long?"

There's silence. Poor Michael is watching on with horror. He's as confused and shocked and angry as I am. Calum's still beside him, gripping onto Michael's shirt incase he decides to unleash again. I think he's too paralysed by shock to be honest.

"How fucking long?" I repeat. I wish I could be one of those startled girls who run away from conflict and problems, like my Mum, but I'm not. I'm more like my Dad, with a burning desire to get all of the facts so I can piece it all together like a puzzle. 

"Since Ashton's party... the night I left you with Calum for a bit." Luke's face pales with guilt and he doesn't have to say anything else. I've got a basic outline together in my head. My Dad would be proud.

He went to Joss's that night and told her the ridiculous plan. He confessed that he was in love with her and that dating me was all a lie.

It was the perfect plan, really. Luke proves to Joss that he's capable of being in a relationship. He knew needed to earn her trust before she'd break up with Michael, after all, Luke was incapable of committing to anyone longer than one night and Joss is too insecure to be single.  Meanwhile, Luke helps me get Calum's attention which Joss doesn't mind of course, because it pushes me out of the picture entirely.

This entire time, she continued to pretend to be my friend and then she gave Michael some ridiculous reason why they should break up, all while the entire time her and Luke were conspiring behind our backs.

Joss finally speaks, "Maybe you can't see it now but I was doing you a favour, Ruby."

A bitter laugh falls from my mouth, "Sneaking around my back with my boyfriend? I wouldn't call that a favour."

"He wasn't your boyfriend, though," her lips turn up on the corners, as if she's trying not to smile.

Luke snaps at her before I can, "That's enough, Joss."

"Why are you defending her? I'm supposed to be the girl you want to be with."

"It's not that simple," Luke answers, wincing in pain as his finger runs over his bloody lip.

"Wait," Calum interrupts. I'd forgotten he was standing there. He lets go of Michael's shirt to point to Luke and I, "So you two were never really dating?"

"You could have fooled me," Michael says under his breath. "Oh wait, you all fucking fooled me. You just couldn't stand the thought of there being a girl you couldn't get, could you, Hemmings? You could have had anyone you wanted but you had to have Joss."

"It's not like it was all his fault," I say, not wanting to defend Luke but not wanting Joss to walk away without any of the blame. She's spent her whole life never taking responsibility for her actions.

"I'm sorry, man," Luke says genuinely. "I never meant to hurt anyone."

"You two fucking deserve each other," Michael mutters, turning around and kicking the fence. Then he waltzes out of the backyard, taking a random bottle of vodka with him.

"We agreed we wouldn't fall in love with each other," Luke says softly, still clutching on to every tiny excuse to make what he's done okay.

"You're right, it's my fault for breaking the rule," I roll my eyes and then, because I'm too tired to go in circles any longer, I say to Calum more than anyone else, "I'm going to see if Michael's okay."

This is exactly what happens when you believe life is like a movie, you get filled with false hope and then you come crashing down. Because this isn't one of those stories, this is real life and sometimes, in real life, the girl doesn't always get the boy she wanted.


	36. Chapter 36

It's been three days since the party. Three days since I walked out of Joss's house to find Michael sitting in the gutter, his face in his hands and a mess of tears between them. Also, three days of me making pancakes for breakfast, now that Alfie and I are on our two week break from school.

I'll tell you one thing, it was truly heartbreaking, watching this big, always-happy, red-haired boy crying like that. Joss is fucking heartless. I have no idea how she could do that to him.

I suppose she didn't do it to him, just like she didn't do it to me. She did it because she wasn't thinking about anyone else except herself and her feelings for Luke. I start scrubbing the fry pan a little harder, _her feelings for Luke._ It still sounds weird, and I mean weird and completely unlikely to happen. Like a supernatural being or some paranormal event. Joss and Luke, the most unlikely pair.

"I finally got Pepper to shake hands," Alfie walks in through the backdoor, Pepper by his feet. "Can Luke come over to see?"

"Um," I'm still scrubbing the pan, pretending to be frustrated with a piece of stubborn pancake batter, "I think he's busy today. Maybe another day."

"He hasn't been here for ages."

 _You better get used to it, kid._ "Why don't you go and get dressed? We can go to the dog park today. You can invite Madison."

 

We pick Madison up on the way to the dog park. As I talk to her Mum and let her know that I'll drop her back home by 2pm, I can see the pity in her eyes. _Seventeen year olds shouldn't be organising play dates for their younger siblings_ , she's thinking.

I don't need her pity, honestly. What else would I be doing if I didn't have Alfie? Sitting in my room crying over Luke being secretly in love with my best friend? No thanks. 

While Alfie and Madison play with Pepper, I lay on the grass with a fresh copy of Paper Towns on my lap. I picked it up at the bookstore yesterday, figuring if there was ever a time to start reading, it's now. I'm going to have a lot of time to kill now that I'm down a best friend and a fake boyfriend, and the less time I spend online and on social media the better.

 _In fact,_ I think as I open up Instagram on my phone, _it's better to have a clean break._ I unfollow them both on Instagram, unfriend them on Facebook and delete every group text that includes the three of us.

It's a special talent of mine, I think. Cutting people off. The truth is, it hurts. What Luke and Joss did hurts, but they have made their choice. Luke has made his choice. Why would I make the pain last longer by indulging in my own self pity?

When Mum left, I reasoned that I wasn't upset because I didn't want her around if she didn't want to be around. It's exactly the time now. I'm not going to be the girl who cries into her pillow over a boy while he's getting another girl into his bed.

I shudder, the thought of Luke and Joss having sex right next door is a bit too much. Maybe they'll have enough courtesy to keep all sexual activities to Joss's house only.

Alfie and Madison are still playing with Pepper, now joined by two boys of a similar age and their chocolate lab. I make it through the first chapter of Paper Towns. I'm already obsessed with the idea of Margo Roth Spiegelman. Maybe I should forget uni next year and join the circus or tour with a band or something.

Before we take Madison home, I take the kids for ice-cream. Alfie gets some on his cheek and Madison wipes it off, making my brother's face turn as rosy as my strawberry ice-cream. I can't help but giggle. Actually, the three of us all laugh. It's been a good day.

Things change when Alfie and I arrive home. Luke's sitting on the front porch with this elbows to his knees. He stands up when we get out of the car, losing his balance slightly. It's 2:10 in the afternoon, and he's obviously drunk.

"Go home, Luke," I sigh, not meeting his gaze as I unlock the front door. I usher Alfie inside first, worried about what Luke might say in front of him. My little brother still has no knowledge of our fake relationship or the mess that's unfolded since and I plan to keep it that way.

"Ruby," he slurs, "I need to talk to you."

"No, you don't. You need to go home, take a shower and sober up." I'm still staring at the door when he pokes my cheek. I glare at him as hard as I can. Not only does he have the nerve to show up here to speak to me, he's waited three days to do it and he couldn't even face me sober. He's a coward.

"You're so cute when you're angry," he smiles, his head tilting to the side. Once I might have found his behaviour cute but not anymore. I don't see the boy I loved in front of me. I see someone else, a stranger.

"Goodbye Luke," I walk inside and lock the door, just incase. It would have been easy for be to stand out there and hear him spill his drunken truths but what would be the point? I don't want to forgive Luke. This isn't a story can end once all is forgiven. 

I still have to live my life. He's my neighbour unfortunately, and if this were a movie it would end now so that it didn't have to show awkward scenes of us leaving the house at the same time or us trying to avoid one another at school. Or, you know, in fictional land my Dad would get a sudden transfer to a different station and I'd move away, turning into the girl Luke always remembered as the one who got away.

Except, this isn't fiction and so we are stuck being neighbours. We're stuck going to the same school and I'm stuck with all of the memories we've created together. But I won't let nostalgia fool me into thinking what Luke and I had was more than a fake relationship. 

When I get to my room, I make sure my window is closed and locked just incase he hasn't gone home. I read another chapter of Paper Towns and tidy my room. Then I make a hair appointment for the following day after checking Dad's roster.

The next morning, I walk out of the hairdressers with short hair that sits right above my shoulder and then take myself out to coffee with Quentin and Margo to keep me company. On the drive home, I'm smiling as I consider what Margo would do to Luke if she were in my position.

I try calling Michael again once I'm home, but it goes unanswered. Again. I haven't heard from him since Joss's party. Not surprisingly, I haven't heard from Joss either. 

I send Michael a few texts after that, encouraging him to get out and see other people and all of the cliche stuff that you're probably not supposed to say. He eventually ends up replying: **leave me alone ruby.** I guess some people need more than a new hobby and a haircut to get over a broken heart.


	37. Chapter 37

I'm in a taxi with no idea where I'm actually going. Outside, the sky is coming over grey and the trees are swaying gently.

"Your phone is ringing, Miss," the driver tells me. I glare at him. I know my phone is ringing. It's been ringing since before I got in the taxi. Luke's name flashes across the screen. Every so often there's a silent pause and then it starts again.

I finally answer, "What do you want?"

"Stop the taxi."

"What?"

"I'm in my car behind you. Stop the taxi."

"Why?"

"Don't run to Calum. Please stop and let me talk to you."

I hang up the phone and look out the window for another block. Am I going to Calum's? I don't remember telling the driver a destination. "Sorry, can you please pull-over?"

No sooner am I out of the car, I see Luke's car parked on the side of the road too. He steps out, his face painted with agony. For some reason, I find myself running over to him and wrapping my arms around his middle. 

When his arms find their way around me to hug me back, it feels exactly the same as it always has. Warm and safe. The harsh wind is barely noticeable with Luke's body enveloping mine. I breath in, just to see if he's wearing the same cologne. He is.

"What are you going to do now, Luke?" I step out of the hug and see Joss leaning against Luke's car. Her arms are crossed over her chest, her hair blowing wildly in the wind. "The storm isn't far away."

"What storm? What's she talking about?"

The wind roars loudly as Luke talks to me again. I can't hear the words any longer, but I see the desperation in his eyes growing as he realises his words are lost in the gale.

Joss's sharp voice cuts through the air, "There's no more time, Luke. You have to make your decision."

Luke's face reddens as his voice turns into screams. "I can't hear you," I'm yelling, tearing my hair away from my face. My dress is blowing up as well. "Come into the taxi so we can talk." I turn around to point towards the car but it's gone. And when I turn back to Luke, he and Joss are gone as well.

 

My heart is racing as I sit upright in bed. I look around the room, scanning the window twice to see if the storm has passed. The beginning of morning light is still and calm. It was all just a dream.

I lay back down in bed and pull the covers over my face. Apparently I'm not as good at ignoring Luke as I thought. That's the second time he's haunted my dreams in as many nights. Maybe I should just stop sleeping.

It's only 5:30am. Far too early to be awake especially when I only have another week of sleep-ins to enjoy before school goes back. On the nightstand, Paper Towns sits. I finished it yesterday and found myself strangely satisfied with the ending.

I'd planned to go back to the bookstore and find another book today. I also promised Alfie I'd bake some cookies with him. But the shops aren't open this early and if I start baking at this hour, my Dad will probably question my sanity and then I'll be forced to either lie, or confess about the entire Luke saga and how I've been filling my days with endless distractions so I don't have to think about him.

With that thought, I'm up and out of bed. I dig through my wardrobe to find my forgotten pair of black and grey Nike's. Dad bought them for me a while back, when he'd made me to go to a self-defence class. I told him it was a waste of money to buy a pair of shoes for one class but he was stubborn like that.

I throw on an old grey t-shirt and a pair of black leggings, taking my headphones off the nightstand before I leave my room. In the bathroom I wash my face and pin my new, shorter hair back as much as I can.

Sneaking into the living room as quietly as possible, I sit on the couch and make a playlist of upbeat songs. Then, with my headphones in my ears and the music drowning out every thought I have, I walk out of the house and onto the pavement. And then I start running.

I've never been a runner before. Exercise at anytime isn't my idea of fun, and exercise when the sun is still rising always seemed like torture to me.

But today, with the cool air in my lungs and the music in my ears, it feels rather therapeutic. I can only manage to run two blocks before my lungs start burning. It's like my body's way of mocking me, telling me how unfit I am.

I'm ignoring it, though. I push through the burn and keep running. The song starts and another ends. Whenever I want to give up and walk back home, I tell myself to just push through one more song. And then I do the same when that song ends.

Each pounding foot on the pavement gives me great satisfaction and the more I push through the burn, the more fun this is. I feel weightless - albeit, breathless as well - and kind of on top of the world. I pass other runners, and mothers pushing sleeping baby's in prams. I pass a couple walking their two dogs which makes me decide to bring Pepper along tomorrow morning.

When my playlist finishes, I take a left at the next block and start heading home again. I eventually slow down to a walk, worried that I might actually collapse on the footpath if I don't stop running. Alfie and Dad are still sleeping when I get home so I decide to make bacon and eggs for them for breakfast. I'm bored of pancakes now, we've had them all week.

Way back in the appliance cupboard is an old juicer Mum bought when she still lived with us. It's been sitting in the cupboard neglected for so long that there's actual dust collected along the top. I rinse it out and dry it before feeding oranges through it, figuring the boys will be awake soon anyway.

I'm setting the table when Dad walks into the kitchen, "Is it Father's Day?" he jokes, taking in the jug of fresh juice and the plates full of bacon, scrambled eggs and toast.

"I just wanted to do something nice for you," I smile, leaning in as his puts an arm around me. It's Dad's version of a hug.

Alfie's beside himself with joy when he realises there is fresh orange juice. "We should make fresh juice everyday," he decides. "We could even plant an orange tree!"

My Dad, who loves any opportunity to rally us together for a family project, immediately agrees. "We'll plant a lemon tree too. We always had fruit trees in our backyard when I was growing up." He smiles fondly, and then says that we'll go to the plant nursery as soon as it opens.

I tell them to go along without me but promise to help them in the garden when they get back. I still want to go to the bookstore this morning but before that I do something I've been putting off since Joss's party. I text Calum: **Hey, do you want to meet me at that bookstore cafe this morning?**

I'm hoping he's not still sleeping. It's after 8:30 now, but usually I'd still be sleeping at this time. When I get out of the shower, washing away the sweat from this mornings run, there's already two texts back from him.

**Calum: Is 9 ok?**

**Calum: I've missed you Rubes**

**Me: See you at 9**

**Me: I've missed you too**


	38. Chapter 38

I end up running about fifteen minutes late so Calum's already at the book store when I arrive. He doesn't see me at first. His brows are furrowed together, concentrating on the book held between his soft, dark hands.

He still hasn't looked up to see me loitering by another table. It would be easy to slip out of here now and disappear back to my bedroom, my safe space.

But I do owe him an explanation for everything, and maybe if I'm lucky, he won't think I'm entirely bat-shit crazy for pretending to date Luke, and then Calum and I can continue being friends.

"Hey," I touch his shoulder gently to catch his attention. A slight smile spreads across his face as our eyes meet.

"You cut your hair."

My fingers brush against the ends of my shorter locks, "It was time for a change."

"Yeah," he agrees, but there's a sadness to his voice. Pity, I realise. My ego cringes as I sit down opposite him. I wish he wouldn't feel sorry for me. It only makes it harder to pretend Luke didn't rip my heart out and feed it through an incinerator. "How have you been?" 

It's an awkward attempt at trying to bring some normality to this conversation, but let's face it, nothing about this is normal. And our combined laughs reiterate that. "I won't lie and say that I've been good. But I'm getting there. Sorry for falling off planet this week," I start explaining.

"You don't have to apologise," he interrupts kindly, but it's there again, in his voice; pity. Is that how it's going to be when we get back to school too? Will people will be staring at me with sad eyes and speaking with soft voices, because they feel so bad for the girl who's fake-boyfriend was in love with her cheating best friend? I kind of get why Michael's avoiding everyone now.

"Please don't feel sorry for me," I suddenly blurt out. "I'm okay, really. I didn't come here to be sad or cry on your shoulder, I just wanted to explain." Because who knows how obscene this all looks to Calum.

"I think I got a pretty good idea of it all at Joss's party," Calum answers uncomfortably. "Bottom line, Luke's a dick and Joss isn't much better. You deserve so much better than both of them."

"Yeah," a puff of defeated air escapes from my mouth. "It's not all Luke's fault," I say honestly. "I should have known better than to pretend to be dating him. It was a mistake from the start. It was only a matter of time before one of us developed feelings for the other," I'm starting to ramble now. "We never should have carried out the stupid plan."

"So," he says slowly, "Why did you?"

And here comes the crazy sounding part. I decide to just get the words out quickly, like ripping off a band aid. "Luke told me it would help get your attention."

Then, something even crazier happens. Calum's eyes don't widen in surprise. He doesn't gasp or raise an eyebrow or look even the slightest bit shocked. Instead, he shrugs, his eyes flitting down to the book he'd been reading before meeting my eyes again. "Well," he smiles, "that part worked"

My cheeks burn, undoubtedly turning more red than my hair. I remember the last time we were here, when Calum said things could have been different if we had have spoken before this year. I'm not sure what how to respond, so with the biggest smile on my face, I ask him about the book he was reading which, it turns out, was The Outsiders.

Apparently it's one of Calum's favourite book and he's mortified that I've only just seen the movie. "The book is way better than the movie," he says, promising to lend me his copy of the book. He tells me he's lost count of the number of times he's read the book. Quite frankly, I can't imagine liking a book so much that I'd reread it.

By the time we've finished talking about books and ordered a hot chocolate each, Luke and Joss are long forgotten in our conversation and we're now debating more important things, like whether Vegemite should be kept in the fridge or the cupboard.

"What about in Summer? Do you still keep it in the cupboard?" My nose scrunches up at the thought of warm vegemite.

"Of course!" Calum laughs, his face all squishy and adorable. "That's when it's the best, because it's so easy to spread. Plus, if you put it on toast it's going to warm up anyway."

I shake my head, "You'll never convince me. I'll always be firmly in Team Fridge."

"I'm just glad I found out now," he jokes. "Before things go any further."

 _Further?_ I take a mouthful of my hot chocolate to buy some time. This is it. This is exactly what I've wanted for so long, and now it's here. Calum is right here, and insinuating that something, _a relationship-type something_ , could happen between us.

And yet, I'm still trying to put together my heart after my last relationship. Fake or not, I developed real feelings for Luke. Sweeping them under a rug to start something with Calum would be wrong, wouldn't it?

"I could say the same thing about you. To think, I was taking uni advice from someone who keeps their vegemite in the cupboard. Such horror." We both laugh, but I see something spike Calum's attention.

"You really thinking about going to USU?"

I nod. "There's not much here for me now, " But even as I say the words, I feel guilty, thinking about my Dad and Alfie. I don't know if I could really leave them behind. "My little brother, Alfie, I guess he's the reason I haven't made a decision yet. I don't want to leave him, the same way Mum left him."

"You're not his mother, though, Ruby." Calum speaks with a gentle tone, obviously trying to make me feel better.

"I know, it's just..." I sigh. "He's a really good kid. He's smart and caring and so... blunt," I laugh, thinking about how abrupt and honest Alfie can be sometimes. I realise just how much I'd miss him if I didn't get to see him everyday. "He'd probably be fine, maybe it's me that couldn't cope without him. Not the other way around."

"I'd love to meet him one day."

"I'd love that too." Not long after, I tell Calum that I have to get home to help plant the orange trees with Alfie and Dad. If he thinks it's lame, he doesn't say.

As I'm pulling into the driveway, Luke's walking down his. I purposely keep my focus on out front door. I don't want to look at him, and I don't want to know if he's looking at me either.

Alfie and Dad are already in the backyard with a wheelbarrow full of soil and a large crate containing three small green plants. "Ruby, finally!" Alfie says excitedly, dirt smeared over his left cheek. "We got a lime tree, a lemon one and an orange tree."

"There's a pair of gardening gloves for you over there," Dad, who's wearing his own pair of gloves and a green bucket hat, points to the black pair of gloves next to the wheelbarrow.

"Dad nearly bought the whole gardening section," Alfie explains with a huge grin. 

"Thanks for waiting for me. Sorry I took so long," I slide my own gloves on and kneel down next to Dad. Alfie hands dad one of the leafy plants and I'm ordered to start digging into the empty garden bed.

"What book did you buy?" Dad asks.

I'd forgotten that I'd originally planned on going to the bookstore to buy an actual book, and not just to talk to Calum. "I didn't get one, actually. A friend of mine is going lend me his copy of The Outsiders, though."

Dad wipes some sweat away from his brow, "The book is much better than the movie if you ask me."

I grin to myself, because that's exactly what Calum said. "Alright, less talking, more planting," Alfie says impatiently. "How long until they start growing fruit anyway?"


	39. Chapter 39

I exhale a deep breath as I press the doorbell on the small brick home. I'm hoping this is the right place. The metal letterbox out the front marked with a rusty number 36 tells me that it is, unless they've moved.

I've only been here a few times before. The first time was when Joss and I skipped class to visit Michael who was away from school, sick apparently. Joss had been so worried about him. She dragged me via the chemist to get pain killers and cough medicine. When we got here, it turned out Michael wasn't sick at all. It was the day the new Call of Duty came out and so he faked to get the day off.

Joss had been so pissed at first, but they spent the rest of the day making out in Michael's room and I spent the rest of the day in the living room playing Pokemon on one of Michael's old GameBoys.

The door opens and a blonde woman smiles at me politely, but unsurely. I don't see enough of a resemblance to Michael but I've come this far. "Hi, I'm Ruby. Um, is Michael home?"

She nods, and my insides relax, until I notice her gesture is slow with sadness. "He's in his room. He doesn't want any visitors though."

I figured as much, given that my calls and messages have still gone unanswered. I'm only here because school goes back tomorrow and I thought maybe Michael would want to go together. Like a safety in numbers type thing.

It crossed my mind earlier in the week that I could ask Calum. He dropped off The Outsiders two days after our coffee date, just as promised. Thankfully Alfie was at a play date with Madison and Dad was at work so Calum was spared from an interrogation from either of them. It's bad enough Alfie keeps asking why Luke hasn't been over. I'm putting off a formal introduction to Calum for as long as possible.

I'm still only half way through Calum's book and when I get home, I plan on spending the rest of the day in bed reading but for now, I need to do this. Not only for me, but for Michael too.

"Can you just tell him I'm here? Please?"

Michael's Mum hesitates. She must be worried about him too. As far as I know, he hasn't left the house since Joss's party. "Come on in," she says quietly, moving out of the doorway to let me in. She closes the door so quietly I don't even hear it shut. "His room is the third door on the left," she frowns. "What did you say your name was again?"

"Ruby," I pause, wanting to give a further explanation as to who I am and why I showed up on her doorstep out of no where. "I used to be friends with Joss. I've been worried about him."

 She nods understandingly. "I don't know what happened between him and Joss, but he's shut us all out. Maybe you can get through to him."

I walk down the hall, mentally counting the doors as I go. The house looked small from the outside but it's very long, with at least three or four bedrooms I guess. I realise I barely know anything about Michael outside of his place in Joss's world. Does he have siblings? What's his Mum's name?

When I get to the third door, I pause, trying to decide if I should knock or not. He'll probably tell me to go away if I do but if I simply barge in there without warning he could be naked or jacking off or doing whatever else it is boys do in the privacy of their bedroom. Knocking it is then.

"Go away," Michael's voice grumbles in reply to my pale knock.

"Michael," I lean my forehead against the door. "It's Ruby."

"Go away, Ruby," he says again, but his voice is lighter, like he doesn't really mean it. That's good enough for me.

I push the door open and am thankful to find Michael entirely clothed, his hands clutching a gaming control. On the wall opposite his bed is a tv showing animated zombies. "How are you?" I ask over the sounds of wails and an explosion coming from one of the animated guns.

"I'll be great when I get through this mission," he says, hitting the buttons on the controller. His mouth hangs open in concentration. At least he's awake and conscious.

I look around the room, feeling like perhaps I over-reacted. Maybe he's been hiding out from the world, but he seems to be okay. He's functioning enough to play video games. Plus, he's wearing skinny jeans. People who are having private mental break downs or plans to become a permanent recluse would probably do it in the comfort of sweat pants.

Then my gaze catches the joint on the small white plate next to his bed, paired with an almost empty bottle of Jack Daniels, and when I glance back to Michael I notice how bloodshot his eyes are.

"You're high," I say matter-of-factly. I know the signs. My Dad's made me watch enough videos on the dangers on drug use. _Thanks Dad_ , I think to myself, your style of parenting has come in handy once again. I reframe myself from listing the side effects of long term drug use because I might be a detectives daughter but I'm not a Saint myself.

"So?" Michael's still staring at his game on the tv. "I'm no different to any other kid getting wasted on a Friday night."

"It's 11 o'clock in the morning, Michael," I point out. "And today's Sunday."

 He hits a button on the controller and finally looks at me, "It's Sunday?"

I nod. "School goes back tomorrow." Michael looks at me suspiciously, like he thinks I'm trying to trick him. "Look at the calendar on your phone if you don't believe me."

"I don't have a phone anymore. I put it in the blender."

"The blender?" I can't help but laugh.  That explains why he hasn't replied to my texts. "You couldn't just turn it off?"

"I wanted to see if it looked at cool as when the Blendtec dude does it."

"What's Blendtec?"

"Look it up on You Tube," Michael sighs, throwing the controller down into his lap. "Is it really Sunday?" I think he really means: _have I really been so wasted I've lost an entire week of my life?_

I nod, walking a little closer towards him. I sit on the end of the bed, looking at his pale, drawn face. His eyes seem like hollow holes in his face, just like skeleton. I wonder if Joss's heart would ache at all if she saw him like this. She really did love him, once upon a time, before she became the villain of her own fairy tale.

"You're not okay, Michael, and that's okay. You're allowed to hurt."

"But I don't want to," he says bitterly. His voice chokes up a little and then he swallows hard. "I don't want to hurt. I'm so fucking angry at Joss for what she did. I wish I could hate her enough so that it didn't hurt anymore."

"Do you still love her?"

"I don't know."

"It's okay if you do. Healing takes time." Great. Now I sound like one of those grief posters you see in a therapists office.

"Do you still love Luke?"

"Luke and I were different. What we had was fake." _It was supposed to be, anyway._

Michael leans over to the side of the bed and retrieves the joint. A lighter is pulled from his pocket and he looks up at me, "You want some?"

I shake my head, "My dad is a cop, remember? If I go home smelling like weed he'll have me locked up."

"More for me then," he shrugs.

"We've got school tomorrow," I remind him, while reminding myself the real purpose of coming here. "Do you want to ride to school together tomorrow? I could pick you up. I know it probably seems like a dumb idea, I just thought it might be less mortifying if we didn't walk in alone."

"Do you know if they're still seeing each other?"

I shake my head, "I don't know. I guess so. They fought so hard to be together so..." Truth is, I haven't allowed myself to think about it. I haven't wanted to know. I guess I'll find out tomorrow.

Michael looks at the joint in his hand and sighs at it, before setting it back down on the plate beside his bed. "Okay," he says. "But I'm really grumpy in the mornings, so don't get pissed and think you did something to make me angry, okay?"

I laugh, "Okay," I promise, and then add, "You're going to be okay, Michael. We both will be."


	40. Chapter 40

Michael and I have been sitting in the parked car for almost seven minutes. I know because I've been watching the clock on the radio click over, one impossibly slow minute at a time.

"I'm sure it won't be that bad," I finally say, trying to encourage Michael just as much as myself. Personally, I'd like to transport back to yesterday afternoon when I was texting Calum live updates about The Outsiders.

"Yeah, come on," Michael says, running a hand through his new shorter, blue hair. Apparently I'm not the only one who makes a spontaneous hair-change to try and deal with my feelings. At least he's not high again. "Time to grab life by the balls."

I laugh, and kill the ignition. Michael hands over my school bag with a lop-sided, half smile. "What class do you have first anyway?"

"Legal Studies," I answer with relief. It's the first time I've been truly grateful to not have Joss in any of my classes. "What about you?"

"Music." He's leaning against the car now, looking warily in the direction of the quad where we usually sit in the mornings. 

"Maybe they won't be there," I tell him.

"Yeah, maybe."

We skip the seniors lounge entirely, and head straight for the quad with small, delicate footsteps. If we walk slow enough, the bell for class might go and we won't have to face them at all. My eyes are buy scanning the tables the way a drug mule would be scanning for cops. Actually, I'm suddenly so frantic it probably seems like I am on drugs.

"Do you see them?"

"No. Do you?"

Michael shakes his head. Our usual table is completely vacant. It doesn't look like Calum's around either. His posse are kicking a soccer ball around, neither Joss or Luke amongst that crowd either. It's all bought time. We're going to run into one or both of them eventually, but for now I can make it to my first class feeling a little less nauseous than when I left the house this morning.

One of Michael's large hands pats my shoulder, "See? Told you there was nothing to worry about."

I let out a short laugh, "Sure you did, Michael."

 

I'm the first one to arrive to Legal Studies. Call me a chicken, but Joss's Childcare class is up the hall and I didn't want to chance a run in with her.

As the classroom starts filling up, I avoid making eye contact with as many people as I can, until Tess walks in anyway. I look up at the wrong moment and catch her gazing at me with sad eyes. I give her a fake smile and then wait for the teacher to show up.

"Hello everybody," a brunette walks in with, high heels clicking with each step. Her lips are coated with thick red lipstick. "I'm Mrs O'Sullivan and I'll be your new Legal Studies teacher." New teacher? A flurry of whispers erupt through the room. Mostly, rumours about what might have happened to our old teacher. _Car accident, mental breakdown, divorce._ It always amazes me how people act like divorce is the worst thing that can happen to a person. It's not like it's cancer or anything.

Mrs O'Sullivan switches on the projector board and there's a reading list of a dozen books. "I've taken the liberty of preparing a reading list for you all." Her steely voice cuts through the sound of the rumour mill. "Please note, this is not a suggested reading list but a required one. We'll be working through the list from beginning to end, and you'll be quizzed on each text at the end of every week. Any questions?"

Everyone, myself included, is dead quiet. Our last teacher was nothing like this. She's sort of scary, but in a good way. Our last teacher was hopeless. "Right. Please begin taking down the reading list - " her eyes catch somewhere behind me. "There'll be no phones in my class. If I see that again, it will be confiscated." We all turn around to face the texting offender; Jordan Pool, a freckly boy who is even lankier than Luke. He looks so embarrassed, I feel a little sorry for him.

The classroom is the quietest it's ever been as we all diligently copy down the reading list, the extra assignment list and then start summarising the first textbook. I'm feeling quite triumphant as I speed through it all. This is the start of a new Ruby, I tell myself. A Ruby who focuses on school and is going to get kick-ass grades so I can go to USU next year.

Not that I've been brave enough to approach the topic with Dad. I know exactly what he'll say: _USU is a great choice!_  or something equally enthusiastic, which isn't a bad thing, but once I know I have his approval I'll no longer be able to dance around my decision. I still have a few months before uni submissions anyway.

When class is let out, I eagerly pull out my phone to see if I've got a text from Calum, and sure enough, I do, two of them.

**_Calum: What are your plans for the weekend?_ **

**_Calum: Wait. Is it lame to ask someone that on a Monday?_ **

I laugh, dodging kids in the hall as I text back. **_Me: It's definitely lame, but I happen to like that :)_**

**_Me: What did you have in mind?_ **

**_Calum: Pizza and a movie, nothing too serious_ **

**_Me: Depends. What kind of pizza do you like?_ **

**_Calum: Cheese_ **

**_Me: Sounds good so far. Movie?_ **

**_Calum: The Outsiders_ **

**_Me: What happened to your stance that the book was better?_ **

**_Calum: The book is better but you might have a different perspective on it now that you've read the book_ **

**_Me: Almost read the book. I still have about twenty pages to go :)_ **

**_Calum: So Friday night then? :)_ **

**_Me: It's a date :)_ **

**_Me: I mean, not a date. You know what I mean_ **

**_Calum: It can be a date if you want it to be_ **

Small butterflies erupt through my stomach.

_**Calum: or it can just be two friends hanging out** _

_**Calum: I'm down for whatever you want Ruby** _

_**Calum: But for the record, I'd love it to be a date** _

Now it's not just butterflies. There's bees and beetles and lady bugs, and an entire eco-system of excitement and nerves. 

I'm smiling like an idiot, trying to type of reply, when I see them. Joss and Luke. His tall frame is leaning against the wall, his eyes focused on his phone as his thumb swipes the screen. Joss is leaning close to him, her face bright and happy, her mouth talking a million miles per hour.

My phone is still in my hand, with half a text typed to Calum. Changing directions so that I don't have to walk past Luke and Joss, I delete the message instead of pressing send and then put my phone in the pocket of my school skirt. All of the excited butterflies have turned to lifeless mush.


	41. Chapter 41

I don't see Joss or Luke again on that first day of school. I've started slinking between classes, taking routes that have multiple getaway options, my eyes staying near to the floor.

It's not to service them. I could care less if Joss or Luke feel awkward when they see me in the halls. It's me. Seeing them together, like that, it hit me and made my own stupid advice echo through my ears: _you're allowed to hurt._ That's what I'd told Michael. I wish it didn't hurt.

"What are you reading?" Michael asks.

As much as I hate that I still care enough to feel hurt by Luke, I've been taking my frustrations out in healthier ways. Like going for another run before school today, and reading at night. I finished - and cried through - the rest of The Outsiders. That was a new experience for me; crying while reading. I felt a bit better when Calum told me he cried too. He said he felt really connected to the characters, which made me want to read it all over again.

I turn the cover of the book over for Michael to see. "A Wrinkle in Time." Calum gave it to me yesterday.

"What's it about?"

"Time-travel, I think." So far, I'm finding it rather dull. It hasn't hooked me in quickly the way Paper Towns or The Outsiders did.

Michael tears open a packet of potato chips. "Would you do it if you could? Time-travel?"

I shrug. I've never really been one for indulging in fictional what-ifs. Time-travel doesn't exist, therefore I've never thought about what I'd do if I were given the opportunity.  Maybe it's that anchor to realism that's kept me away from novels for so long. I set the book down on the table. "I don't know. Would you?"

"Yeah," he says, his hand rattling inside the foil chip packet. "I'd go back in time and try out dudes instead. Girls aren't worth the trouble - no offence."

Laughing, I steal a chip form Michael. "I don't think you can change your sexual orientation through time travel."

At that moment, Calum slides into the seat next to Michael. "Hey guys" I greet him with a small hello, as does Michael, but then the pair of us are sitting here blinking at Calum with confusion, like we're watching a polar bear in the desert.

Calum always sits at the table over from us with his boys. He's never sat with us once. Though, _us_ used to be me and Joss and Michael, and sometimes Luke. I guess everything is changing.

"Michael and I were just discussing time-travel," I say, filling the silence.

Calum pouts thoughtfully, "You know, it's not really my thing. I think if I was going to have a super power I'd take the power of flight."

"Where would you fly to?" Michael asks. I can already guess the answer.

"The moon. Or Mars, maybe."

"Except you'd be a dead man with the extreme temperatures on Mars, and that's if you actually made it there without a giant-ass rogue asteroid killing you first."

"I didn't think those things mattered if we're talking hypotheticals," Calum smiles at Michael. "What power would you choose Ruby?"

He stares at me, waiting for an answer. His big dark eyes make me think of an undiscovered galaxy, I get lost in there for a second. What power would I have? Invisibility, I think instantly, my sub-conscious dragging me back to the deflation I felt when I saw Joss and Luke together. It might have been worse if they had have seen me too.

That's not really a power, though. In fact, choosing invisibility seems more like a weakness. What's the point in having a super power if it doesn't make you stronger? "Super strength," I finally answer will a smile.

Calum smiles softly at me answer. "I think you're pretty strong already."

 

When I get home from school, Dad's sitting at the table helping Alfie with his homework. I've got precisely a thirty minute window to speak to him before he leaves for night shift. "Have you checked Pepper's outside water bowl today?" I ask my little brother. I don't want him to hear my conversation with Dad.

Alfie sets down his pen and shakes his head. "I'll do it now."

"Take your time," I call out, taking the seat he'd been sitting in.

Dad crosses his hands on the table. His tanned face relaxed and patient which means he knows I've got something important to talk about. "What's up?"

"I've been thinking about uni, and I think I've decided on one." Relaxed and patient changes to animated and excited. "Before you get too excited," I tell him. "It's USU. That's where I want to go."

He doesn't even look surprised. "USU is a great school," he smiles. "What course are you looking at?"

"Psychology," I answer with ease. Deep down I knew my Dad would be nothing but supportive, but I didn't think it would be this easy.

"I'm really proud of you, Rubes." He leans closer and wraps his arms around me briefly. "How about I leave some pizza money for you and Alfie tonight? You could invite Luke over too. Alfie's been asking about him."

Alfie, who seems to materialise into the kitchen from no where, clamours, "Yeah, let's invite Luke! He hasn't seen any of Pepper's latest tricks." _So much for taking your time, kid._

Alfie doesn't wait for me to respond. He races out of the house, presumably over to Luke's. "Dad?" I have to get this out before I deal with Luke and Alfie. "Will you guys be okay without me next year? If I get in, that is. USU is two whole hours away. What about Alfie?"

"What about Alfie? You're his big sister, not his Mum. You don't have to stay here for us."

"But who will pick him up from school when you're at work? Who will stay here with him when you're on night shift?"

Dad laughs, "I don't know yet, but they aren't questions you need to find the answer too. You just focus on getting the grades you need for uni. That's your job right now."

He gives me another hug and sets some money down on the kitchen table. Alfie comes back in a moment later, his shoulders hunched over. "Luke wasn't home," he says sadly.

"I'm sorry, bud," I say even though I'm not. Later that night when we're eating our pizza, I ask Alfie what he thinks about me going to USU. He smiles and promises that he and Dad will visit all the time and send me plenty of photos of our citrus trees and Pepper.


	42. Chapter 42

"Come on, hurry up!" It's Friday afternoon and I'm at Alfie's school, watching him climb into the car at snails pace. "I've got so much to do this afternoon." Because little brothers are up there with the worlds most annoying creatures, Alfie shoots me a humoured look and then proceeds to put his seatbelt on with slow exaggeration. "Please."

His face cracks into a smile and he finishes putting his seatbelt on promptly. "What's the rush?"

"I've got things to do. How was your day?"

Alfie ignores my question. "What kind of things?"

"I've got to go buy butter, and then I'm going to make cookies, and then... Calum's coming over." I hold my breath as I wait for Alfie's reaction.

Even though I'm focused on getting out of the school car park, I still catch that look from the corner of my eye: the narrowed eyebrows hovering over Alfie's face as he processes what I've just said. "Calum's coming over," he repeats slowly. "Tonight?"

"Tonight," I answer cautiously. I don't know why I feel so nervous about this.

"Okay," Alfie shrugs. "Can we have pizza?"

"No! There's been too much pizza lately. I'm making pasta." And then because I'm feeling so relieved Alfie didn't make a big deal about Calum coming over, I add, "But I'll let you have a cookie before dinner."

At the supermarket, Alfie and I split up to work through our shopping list. I've almost finished my half when I run into our neighbour, Mrs Quart. She lives next door to us. Not the side Luke lives, the other one. Dad once let it slip that he thinks Mrs Quart is an old nosy bat. He's right, I'm thinking as she says hello to me, peering into my basket full of tomatoes, basil and butter.

"Cooking something?"

"Pasta for dinner. Cookies for dessert." I smile politely, hoping to get out of here quickly.

"A young girl like you shouldn't be running a household. Your father shouldn't burden you with adult responsibilities."

"I don't mind." Dad's definitely right: nosy old bat. "I've really got to get going - "

She touches my arm gently. "You know, my daughter, Cathy, she must be about the same age as your father. She's not married, either."

"And what, you want to set them up on a blind date or something?" The words slip and laughter follows.

"Wouldn't it be nice to have a woman in the house again?" She looks at me sympathetically. "You wouldn't feel so alone."

"I don't feel alone." And _I am_ the woman of the house, I internally scream. I'm almost an adult. I do the groceries and pick Alfie up from school, I know how to do laundry and pay bills.  _I've had sex! I'm as much as a woman as I can be!_ Before anything else can come out of my clumsy mouth,I spot Alfie exiting the confectionary aisle with a bag of chocolate chips in his hand. "I really have to go. Bye Mrs Quart."

As I rush towards Alfie and practically drag him to the register to pay for the groceries I hear her call out, "I'll leave Cathy's phone number in your letterbox!"

"What was that about?" Alfie asks. I answer with a shrug.

It's weird to think about Dad actually dating. I'm still thinking about it when we get home. I don't even know if he'd want to date someone. Love kind of screwed him over the last time.

Alfie sits at the dining table reading while I make the cookie dough and get the sauce on for the pasta. If only Mrs Quart could see me now. "How long until the cookies are ready?" Alfie asks as I shut the old oven door with a slight bang.

"Fifteen minutes. I'm going to have a quick shower so don't try to take them out of the oven, okay?"

Alfie's eyes roll. "Ruby, I'm _ten_ now _,_ " he says in the most serious voice."I can take cookies out of the oven without burning myself."

"I guess so." I want to apologise to him for not knowing the rules about this kind of stuff. I'm just making it up as I go along. I wonder if that's what all parents do. Maybe they're just as clueless as us kids but they put on a confident face every day and just make up the rules as best as they can.

It's only once I'm showered and dressed that I actually think about tonights reality. It's just going to be me and Calum. I mean, Alfie will be here too but he'll probably go to bed earlier and read. I try to downplay it: it's just two friends watching a movie together on a Friday night, but just imagining the two of us sitting side by side on the couch, our hands occasionally grazing as we try to find a comfortable way to sit, that alone makes my heart beat a little faster.

I change my jeans again and put my hair up. When I get back to the kitchen, I see the tray of cookies sitting on the bench top, the oven mitts sitting neatly beside them. I guess Alfie's right. He's pretty capable at ten. Gosh, when I think back to how grown up I felt when I was ten, I have to laugh. Age is such an odd thing.

The pasta sauce simmers quietly and I put the pot on for the actual pasta. I'm tidying everything up, trying to pass the time until Calum gets here. I turn the tv on for some background noise and lay on the couch, looking at the dust coating the edge of the ceiling fan. Somebody should really clean that, I think. " _I_ should really clean that," I mumble quietly.

The front door shuts and Alfie stops when he sees me. He looks as guilty as Pepper when she steals one of Dad's socks. "Where did you go?"

"To check the mail." He shoves his empty hands into his pockets. "What time's Calum coming over?"

"In half hour or so."

"Cool," Alfie nods. "I'll be in my room if you need me."

Finally, after I've put garlic bread in the oven and set three places at the table and changed again (from jeans to  a long skirt), Calum arrives. He stands on the door step in black jeans and a long sleeve checkered shirt. He's holding The Outsiders DVD in his hand. "Hey Ruby," he greets me, his eyes crinkling as he smiles. I feel my face light up like a fucking light bulb.

When we get inside, Alfie's leaning against the wall further down the hallway, eyeing off Calum. "That's my little brother, Alfie," I explain.

"Hey buddy," Calum calls out. "I'm Calum."

"I know," Alfie says, and disappears back into his room with a smile.

"He's a little odd sometimes," I laugh, walking into the kitchen with Calum behind me. I've put the cookies onto a plate near the end of the bench. The pasta sits on the stove in a huge pot, the rich scent of tomato and basil sticking to the air.

"Did you make all of this?"

I nod. "Yep."

"This looks amazing. You never told me you could cook."

I laugh. "If it were up to me, I'd be happy with a takeaway pizza and ice-cream straight from the tub. I just try harder for Alfie's sake." _And maybe a teeny part of me wanted to impress you as well._

The oven timer beeps, letting me know the garlic bread is ready. I'm taking it out of the oven while Calum starts talking about the USU information day that's coming up soon. After transferring the bread from the tray to a plate, I sit it in the middle of the table and notice something is different: there's an extra plate at the table. That's odd.

"You can even sit in on a class," Calum says, still talking about USU. I smile at him even as everything unfolds around me like a dot-to-dot colouring page. The doorbell rings. My head snaps towards the front door. Alfie races from his room, hollering, _I'll get it_. Calum, oblivious to it all, asks again, "So, what do you think? Do you want to drive up there together?"

"Um, yeah, that sounds great," I manage to spit out. And then in behind Alfie, walks Luke. By the look of surprise on his face, he didn't know Calum was going to be here.

"Luke," Calum says, looking him to me with question.

"Calum," Luke says in return. They both stand there eying the other off in some sort of silent Mexican stand off. "I didn't know you'd be here."

"I was invited," Calum says between his clenched door.

"So was I," Luke says, his voice astoundingly confused. "Alfie invited me. He said - " Luke eyes meet mine for a second. I steal a piece of garlic bread from the plate. "Sorry, I should leave."

"What?" Alfie speaks for the first time. "You can't leave. You just got here! And you haven't even said hello to Pepper yet."

Luke's looking at me, and Calum's glaring at Luke and Alfie is looking at all of us, hopefully unaware of the awkward tension that's now stronger than the smell of the garlic bread.

I ignore the sick feeling in my stomach and put on a smile, for Alfie's sake. "You should stay. Dinner is just about ready."


	43. Chapter 43

It could almost pass as the most normal dinner ever. 

"Calum, can you please pass the garlic bread?" Luke asks.

Alfie beams at Luke. "Wait until you see Pepper's new tricks." 

Mine and Calum's eyes meet. I smile, "Would anyone like a drink?"

What Alfie doesn't notice, or what I'm hoping he doesn't notice is all the little things. Like Calum muttering "dick" underneath his breath as he passes the bread to Luke. And me sliding my phone into Calum's lap before I stand up, with the message _'I didn't know Alfie invited him. I'm sorry'_ written on the screen.

I don't know why I am apologising. It isn't like I invited Luke, and judging by Calum's demeanour he's not mad at me. He is mad, though. I peer over the top of the open fridge at Calum. He's still throwing invisible daggers across to Luke, who's listening to Alfie talk about Pepper.

I pour us all a drink of lemonade, secretly wishing I could throw a dash of vodka into mine. I understand why Alfie invited Luke, but why would Luke accept? What is it inside of his warped boy-brain that made him believe coming over for dinner would be a good idea?

Alfie's still talking, obliviously filling the awkward silence as I distribute the drinks. "Maybe Dad will let me get a friend for Pepper next year. So she's not lonely when I'm at school."

"You're only at school for 6 hours a day," I tell him gently. There's _no way_ Dad will let him have two dogs. "I'm sure she's okay on her own."

"That's right, bud," Luke agrees. For a moment, I look at his clean shaven face. It's almost like nothing has changed. "And Ruby won't be at school next year, so Pepper won't be as lonely."

"Ruby won't be here at all next year," Alfie answers bluntly. Luke drops his fork and it makes an offensive clang as it hits the bowl of pasta.

"I'm thinking of applying for USU," I say, not quite meeting Luke's eyes. And then for Alfie's sake - so this charade might actually seem realistic - I say, "Remember?"

Luke mumbles something about forgetting, and I remind Alfie that he can't have any cookies unless he eats the rest of his dinner. The four of us finish our food in silence. As soon as Alfie's bowl is empty I jump at the excuse to start clearing the table.

"I'll help you," Calum says, his hand brushing against mine as he takes one of the bowls and puts it in the dishwasher.

"I can help," Luke says flatly. "Alfie, why don't you take Calum outside to meet Pepper?"

Alfie doesn't look thrilled with the idea but he nods, grabbing the bag of dog food on the way out the door, Calum's tall body trailing behind him. The moment the door is closed, I spin around to face Luke.

"Look," I hiss. "You've had dinner, we put on a show for Alfie. Now you have to leave."

"I didn't mean to intrude," Luke says apologetically yet doesn't make an effort to leave. "I didn't know _he'd_ be here."

"You could have said no to Alfie when he asked you over. You could have lied and made up an excuse."

"I couldn't. You know I couldn't."

I snap. "Why not? You easily lied to me, why couldn't you lie to Alfie?"

"It wasn't easy, Ruby." Luke looks angry. If only he knew how I felt. "And I technically didn't lie."

"Maybe you didn't technically lie, but it was _Joss._ " I almost throw the plate I'm holding into the dishwasher. "You didn't think that maybe you should have told me your secret crush was my best friend? You didn't think that you should spill it that you and Joss had been sneaking around behind Michael's back?" _Behind my back, too._

"Nothing physical happened between me and Joss while we were together!" His short outburst pauses, as he seems to remember. "Except the night of Ashton's party. We kissed, but that was it."

"Forget about me, how could you do that to Michael? You two have been friends for forever."

His blue eyes look all sad and puppy-like. "Are you really going to USU next year?"

"Don't change the subject."

"I thought I was in love," he says abruptly.

I know better to ask but I can't help it. "Thought?"

"I don't know anymore." He looks down at his feet. "I've been a mess, Ruby, ever since Joss's party. I don't know how I feel anymore."

I laugh bitterly. Of course he has the nerve to make this all about him. "You were never in love, Luke. Michael was right. Joss was the one girl you'd never had and that killed you, and now that you've had her you're bored. It's what you do. Once you've had sex with a girl, the thrill is over for you." 

Part of me waits for him to deny that he and Joss have slept together. Instead, he says, "But I never got bored of you."

"I was different."

Luke's eyes grow, like we're finally understanding each other. "Yes, you were." He steps closer. "You were different. I actually cared about you, Ruby. I could never grow bored of you."

I shake my head. "I meant that I was different because you were using me to get someone else. Everything that happened between us was a mistake and a lie."

"Don't say that." He's shaking his head now. "Please Ruby, don't fucking say that. Let me prove to you that you're wrong. Let me prove that I'm not the dick you think I am."

My feet push me forward. "Don't you get it, Luke? You broke me. I thought that you loved me. I thought that Joss was my friend. We spent so long playing make believe but in the end, I'm the one who got played. And it's not just about that. Maybe I can forgive you for being a shitty pretend boyfriend, but I can't forgive you for being a shitty best friend. You were supposed to be my best friend, Luke."

"Didn't you wonder why I was such a wreck after we had sex? I was scared. I knew I was moments away from breaking your heart and I regretted it all so much. I regretted kissing Joss and telling her about my stupid plan, because I realised that night we slept together that I loved you."

"You were scared? Oh, you poor thing," I say sarcastically.

"Don't patronise me when I'm trying to apologise - "

My eyes close. I imagine I'm in the bath, slipping under the water so that all of the words he is saying will get drowned out. I don't want to hear his excuses or explanations. I just want him to leave.

"Please go outside and tell Alfie that you have to go home. I know you two are close and I'm happy for you to come and hang out with him when I'm not around but I can't do this anymore. As far as I'm concerned, you're nothing more than the boy who lives next door."

Luke stops trying to argue, and gives a defeated nod. Before he walks outside I hear him whisper an apology.


	44. Chapter 44

After Luke leaves, Alfie hangs around the living room, watching Calum and I like a hawk. I briefly question if Luke put him up to it, but Alfie's naturally nosy. I suppose that comes with little brother territory.

He lays on the couch with Pepper, staring aimlessly at the tv while I wait impatiently, wanting to finally have some alone time with Calum.

Just as I start to think that we'll never get rid of him, Calum asks Alfie if he'd like to watch The Outsiders with us. Thankfully, he declines and announces he's going to bed to finish a book, swiping a cookie from the plate along the way. Pepper picks up the crumbs behind him.

This little bundle of energy whirs around me as Calum's setting up the DVD. Here we are, finally alone after what's been one of the weirdest evenings of my life. Dad won't be home for hours and there's not much chance of Alfie resurfacing now that he has his nose in a book.

I watch Calum quickly consider his options: does he sit right next to me or does he take the spot on the other larger vacant couch?

He sits right next to me, his knees brushing against mine as he sits down. I'm struck like a tree hit with a lightning bolt: it's Friday night and Calum Hood isn't out partying or prowling for his next girl. He's here, with me, watching The Outsiders. I imagine current me travelling back in time to tell past me about this very moment. Past me squeal with delight.

"What are you thinking about?" Calum pokes my knee gently with his finger, "You've got a big smile on your face."

I laugh. "Am I not allowed to smile?"

"Of course you are. I love your smile actually," he's smiling now. A nervous sort of smile. "I'm just wondering if it's me that's making you smile of something else."

He says it playfully but I hear the glimmer of doubt. "Someone like Luke?"

"Yeah, maybe."

"There's nothing between Luke and I." I glance at the tv and realise I've missed the whole beginning of the movie. "Let's watch the movie."

We watch in silence, occasionally one of us leaning forward to grab a cookie or take a sip of lemonade. It's weird watching a movie after reading the book. I feel like I know what's coming but not really sure when to expect it.

As the movie goes on, I realise why Calum prefers the book to the movie, and why people like reading so much. The movie is so much weaker than the book. The characters and the feelings, they're all watered down through a tv screen.

Even so, when Dallas dies I feel the beginning of tears stinging my eyes. And it's not even the movie that's making me cry, it's my memories and emotions attached to the book and how the scene unfolded on those pages.

Without breaking his gaze on the tv, Calum wraps his hand around mine. When the movie ends - to my delight, with the same line as the book - we sit in silence for a while longer. With my legs wrapped underneath me and our hands still joined together, it's not awkward silence. It's nice.

"I agree wholeheartedly," I finally say. "The book is much better."

Calum's head falls lazily against the wall behind the couch, with a smile spread across his face. "Much better," he agrees.

"Although I didn't mind sitting through 90 minutes of Rob Lowe," I laugh. Calum laugh's too. Our hands stay connected. It's comforting. I wish life could always be like this.  "Tell me more about the USU open day." We kind of got interrupted before.

"It's next month," Calum explains. "I was thinking we could drive up there together and spend the day checking out the campus and the classes and stuff. We could even get a hotel and stay there overnight, check out some restaurants or see a movie or whatever. If you want to, that is."

Me and Calum in a hotel together? I gloss over the endless possibilities for a nanosecond before agreeing. "I think that's a great idea."

I expect him to smile back. Instead, his chocolate eyes stare at me intently. For some reason I'm worrying that he wants to talk about Luke again so I make a suggestion. "Do you want to watch another movie?"

Calum leans closer, his hand brushing away some of my hair as he takes firm hold of my jaw. "I've got a better idea," he whispers, his full lips meeting mine a second later.

I'm not sure if I kiss him back right away or not. My thoughts are too busy bumping into one another: You're kissing Calum. Calum's kissing you. My arm is stuck in this awkward position by my side. Okay, now there's tongue. Am I using enough tongue? Can Calum sense that I'm losing my mind right now?

He leans closer again, this time bringing his weight down with him and stretching his legs out as best as he can on the small lounge.

He's on top of me now. Calum Hood is laying on top of me and we're kissing. His hands are firm on either side of my cheeks and I've got one hand resting on his back, the other still squashed awkwardly between my body and the couch.

And then I feel it. Or should I say, I feel him, Calum, ard against my leg. _Already?_  His kisses become faster, more intense, and alarm bells and sirens start firing off warnings in my head.

"Calum," I detach my lips from his, taking a breath of fresh air. "My dad will probably be home soon and I don't think finding you on top of me will make the greatest first impression."

"Sorry," he says, looking guilty.

"Don't be sorry. Now's just now the right time to get... carried away."

His finger gently touches my cheek, "I've thought about kissing you for so long."

My stomach flips. "Really?"

He nods. "Ever since the night of Ashton's party."

"I hope it lived up to your expectations," I joke.

He kisses my lips briefly again. "Nothing ever happens like you imagine it will," he whispers. The words sound familiar, but I can't think where I've heard them before. Calum watches me tenderly as I try to think where I recognise them from. "Paper Towns," he finally answers helpfully.

"We should watch that next," I smile. "Do you have plans next weekend?"

"I do now."

We lay on the lounge for a while longer, with our limbs tangled and Calum delicately stroking my hair. I mostly listen to Calum talk about books and space. He asks me a little bit more about my Dad and Alfie, and somehow we end up on the topic of The Lion King and he recites the entire opening scene off by heart.

It's at that moment when I'm laughing at his poor attempt at a mean voice for Scar, that I realise how much I want to lay here forever like this. Later that evening, when Calum's gone and I'm laying in bed keeping an ear out for my Dad to get home, I replay the entire kiss through my mind and that's when I notice it:

How wrong it felt. How I was narrating the entire thing in my head, and not really focusing at all on kissing Calum. And then I picture Calum's face, and how beautiful and smart he is, and how much I love hanging out with him and I can't figure out what's disconnecting all of that from the kiss.

My memory takes a turn, remembering the way my skin burned at Luke's touch. I remember the desperation between the two of us and how _he_ was the one that had to slow _me_ down, because somehow my rational self evaporated when our bodies were touching.

And then, I tell myself that I'm just having an off night. That I love spending time with Calum and that good conversation is more important than the physical stuff. And then just for a bit of extra reassurance, I tell myself that the next time Calum and I kiss it will be something magical.

It will be fireworks and supernova explosions.

 


	45. Chapter 45

Early on Saturday morning I go to the bookstore and buy my very own copy of The Outsiders. The pages are white and uncreased, the spine not yet broken and it looks like it's just screaming out to be read.

Dad and Alfie are in the garden when I get home, so I make a quick getaway to my room, jump under the covers and start rereading The Outsiders.

I can't believe just days after thinking that I'd never read a book twice, I'm doing exactly that. I think watching the movie last night made me want to read it all over again. And as I'm reading, I'm thinking of Calum. I'm smiling at the pages like a kid smiling at fireworks.

There's a knock on my door. It's Dad. "What are you reading?" 

"The Outsiders."

"Again?" He looks surprised. He knows me well. "Are you feeling okay?"

I laugh. "I'm fine. Why?"

"You're in bed on a Saturday, reading a book for the second time." He frowns thoughtfully. "We haven't seen Joss for a while."

"We're - " There's no point in lying. "We're not friends anymore."

"I see. Well, we're outside if you'd like to join us. Enjoy your book."

I notice he purposely doesn't push the Joss thing. Dad plays that card a lot. He asks small questions and nothing more, hoping that when I'm ready I'll come to him and talk about it. I'd say it works about fifty percent of the time. This is not one of those times.

_**Me: Guess what I'm doing?** _

_**Calum: Watching The Lion King?** _

_**Me: Haha no!** _

_**Me: Is that what you're doing?** _

**_Calum: Maybe..._ **

**_Calum: It's my favourite movie!_ **

**_Me: You're the strangest human ever_ **

**_Me: But in a good way :)_ **

**_Calum: :)_ **

**_Calum: So what are you doing?_ **

**_Me: rereading The Outsiders_ **

**_Calum: Did you finish a Wrinkle in Time yet?_ **

**_Me: .... no_ **

**_Calum: Ruby!_ **

**_Me: Calum!_ **

**_Calum: Ruby Lou!_ **

**_Me: I told you not to call me that!_ **

**_Calum: Sorry!_ **

**_Me: So! Many! Exclamation! Marks!_ **

**_Me: A Wrinkle in Time was boring :|_ **

**_Calum: You have to give it a chance (!)_ **

**_Calum: Do you know what your problem is?_ **

**_Me: I'm sure you're going to tell me_ **

**_Calum: You're impatient. You want everything to happen instantly_ **

**_Calum: It takes time to discover something magical_ **

**_Calum: some comets take five hundred years to complete their orbital period. that's a long time for the sun spends waiting to see the comet again_ **

Reading his text, imagining the way his voice would be explaining it softly, it makes my heart beat a little faster, plastering a smile across my face. I can't get enough of Calum when he's like this. All passionate and using astronomical events to explain emotions and feelings.

I suddenly wish he was here so I could grab his shirt and kiss him again.

_**Calum: Sorry. Did I geek you out?** _

_**Me: I actually love it when you talk space to me** _

_**Calum: Technically I'm talking astronomy to you :P** _

**_Me: Hey, what happened to that comet you mentioned a while back?_ **

**_Calum: It should be able to seen in two weeks. All of the astronomy blogs I follow have been charting it_ **

**_Me: Astronomy blogs? :P_ **

**_Me: You just geeked out again_ **

**_Calum: Yeah but now I know that you love it ;)_ **

**_Me: Can we watch it together?_ **

**_Me: The comet?_ **

**_Calum: I'd love that_ **

**_Me: Me too_ **

**_Me: Maybe we'll discover something magical ;)_ **

 

There's no way I can concentrate on The Outsiders after this conversation. I feel all giddy and light weight. I find Dad in the kitchen, reading the newspaper. "Alfie's outside playing with Pepper," he says automatically. His way of saying that we have the privacy to talk, incase I want to fill him in on what happened between me and Joss. _No thanks._

"Can I talk to you about something?"

He folds the newspaper in half, a winning smile on his face. He thinks he's won this round, but I'm not here to talk about Joss. "What was Mum like?"

"You don't remember?" He looks alarmed, like I've lost my mind.

"I mean when she was younger. When you two met." Dad lets out a heavy breath. Maybe I shouldn't have asked. After all, she's the woman who broke his heart. Sensing his reluctance, I give him an escape route. "It's okay. Forget I asked. I'll go and see if Alfie wants to take Pepper to the dog park."

"No, sit down," he says gently. "I want you to know your Mum the way she was when we met." I nod and wait patiently, watching Dad pull memories from the back of his brain like someone might pull files out of a dusty filing cabinet. He doesn't let himself think about her a lot.

"The first time I saw your Mother was when she walked into English class, ten minutes late, and without even a pen." He laughs lightly, and I'm already smiling. "The teacher was furious, obviously, and knowing me - the annoying over achiever I was - he asked me to lend her a pen, and also give her a copy of my notes. I don't think she even made eye contact through her half-hearted thank you."

He pauses, thinking some more. "Her strawberry blonde hair reminded me of a milk shake. I remember that."

"Red hair, Dad. Just admit it, it's red hair."

"It'll always be strawberry blonde," he smiles, his gaze moving over my hair.  "Anyway, not long after I discovered that she was in my Chemistry class. Goodness knows how she ended up in there because her grades were terrible," he laughed again. "One night I decided to stay up copying out all of my Chemistry notes. I thought she be so grateful, maybe she'd even let me take her out for a milkshake and a movie. I couldn't wait until Monday so the next day, Saturday, I went around to her house in the afternoon. Beforehand, I stole some of your Grandmother's hairspray and tried to spike my hair up like Billy Idol."

"Billy Idol?"

"Your Mum loved him. She used to scribble his lyrics under the desks at school."

"She sounds bad ass," I say jokingly.

Dad smiles. "She was."

"So what happened when you gave her the chemistry notes?"

"She looked at them for about half a second and then threw them in the kitchen rubbish bin. I felt like I wanted to cry, and I probably would have, but she dragged me outside with her and lit up a cigarette."

"Mum _SMOKED?!_ " I'm mortified. All of those lectures from my Dad about smoking and alcohol and drugs, and there was my mother smoking at 16!

"It was different back then. Lots of people smoked." Then he puts on his serious Dad voice. "There wasn't as much knowledge into the side effects of smoking, like increased risk of stroke, and cancer, and tooth decay and - "

"Hey, I'm not the one smoking in this story. No need for the lecture."

Dad gives me a look, but continues. "She offered me one and I took it, which was wrong, I admit. I shouldn't have succumbed to peer pressure - " I roll my eyes at him - "but your Mum, she was hard to say no to." Dad pauses and I watch his cheeks turn the colour of my hair, and it's so weird yet kind of cute to see him all bashful.

"Well? What happened next?"

"She kissed me. It was my first kiss. I couldn't believe my luck. She was the coolest girl in school and I was this skinny kid who asked for extra homework to do on the weekends. We started hanging out after that, although she made me chase her for quite a while," he laughs. "It was obvious to everyone that we were a complete mis-match, but we made it work."

"I wish I could have met her." It's kind of an odd thing to say about your own mother, I guess, but Dad nods understandingly.

With a sad longing voice, he adds, "It was a long time ago."

Once he's come back to reality, he looks at me quite strangely. "What made you so curious about your Mum?"

"Nothing."

"Is there a boy I need to know about?"

"No," my voice goes up an octave.

"A certain neighbour, perhaps?"

Ugh. "No, it's not Luke!"

Dad grins. "So there is a boy."

Damn it. He got me. "Maybe."

"It's the book boy, isn't it?"

" _The book boy?_ "

Dad gives me another look. "The one that suddenly has you reading."

I give up. There's no use lying to a detective. He'll figure it out eventually anyway. "He's lovely. It's just... how do I know if he's the right person for me? How do I know if we're supposed to just be friends instead?"

"I'm clearly not an expert on relationships, but I think in a good relationship, you encourage one another to grow. There's got to be trust too. And if this boy has you reading and discovering new things about yourself and motivating you to become the best version of Ruby you can be, well I think that's not a bad place to start."

He's right, I realise, as I thank him for the chat. Sometimes I think I really lucked out in the Dad lottery. "Mum must have really lost her mind to leave you behind. You know, Mrs Quarts daughter is about your age, you should ask her out on a date sometime. Her numbers in letterbox."

Dad gives me the strangest look, but he doesn't say no, which I suppose isn't a bad place to start either.


	46. Chapter 46

Over the next two weeks, everything falls into a new version of normal. I start leaving for school earlier so that Luke and I don't have to avoid making eye contact as we get into our cars at the same time. Sometimes I drive to school with Michael, but mostly I drive alone.

Calum starts sitting with Michael and I at school everyday. Bizarrely, Heath and Tess start joining us sometimes too. Wherever Luke and Joss spend their lunch break, it's not within our line of sight. I start worrying a little less about them every day.

I finally finish a Wrinkle in Time, even though I found it unbelievably boring. Calum laughed last night when I told him - he came over to watch Paper Towns, which we both agreed was on par with the book - and then promised to not recommend any old classics to me anymore. This morning we went to the book cafe and picked out a new book together.

Actually, Calum chose the book based on reviews he's read. It's called We All Looked Up and I laughed gently when I read the back and discovered it's about an asteroid. Calum didn't let me pay for my copy, so I slipped a $20 note into his when he isn't looking.

**_Calum: What page are you up to?_ **

**_Me: I haven't even started yet!_ **

**_Me: I've got legal studies reading to do_ **

**_Calum: I'm 90 pages in. I'll stop reading it until you catch up_ **

_**Me: You don't have to do that,**_ I send back. I don't mean it though. I'm smiling from ear to ear, giddy over the fact that Calum wants us to read it together.

**_Calum: I know :)_ **

**_Me: :)_ **

Outside my window, I see Luke getting out of his car. His beard is already beginning to grow back again, I notice. He glances up at my window and for less than a second, our eyes meet. _I don't hate you anymore_ , I find myself thinking. And then he's inside his house and my phone beeps again.

_**Calum: Can I ask you something?** _

My stomach lurches. Why do those five words scare me so much? Things between Calum and I have been perfect since the night we watched The Outsiders together. We haven't kissed again, incase you're wondering, but we text all the time and talk late into the night.

I've been giving a lot of thought to what Dad said, about how good relationships encourage you to grow and really get to know yourself, in addition to the other person. Maybe Calum and I haven't connected on a physical level yet, but emotionally and intellectually, it's magic.

_**Me: I guess so** _

_**Calum: Can I meet your Dad soon?** _

_**Me: Haha ok I wasn't expecting that to be your question** _

_**Me: Why do you want to meet my** _ **_Dad?_ **

**_Calum: I don't know_ **

**_Calum: I want to make a good impression_ **

**_Calum: Like I don't want him to think I'm some teenage kid with raging hormones who only visits his daughter when he isn't home_ **

**_Me: He doesn't think that_ **

**_Me: He calls you book boy_ **

**_Calum: Book boy? Oh my god_ **

**_Me: Hey, it's better than fuck boy_ **

**_Calum: Do you not want me to meet your dad or something?_ **

**_Me: Yeah i do. It's just_ **

**_Me: Idk it's just weird. I've never introduced him to a boy before_ **

**_Calum: What about Luke?_ **

**_Me: Luke was different._ **

**_Calum: Right_ **

**_Me: He met Dad as our neighbour_ **

**_Me: Not as a boy that I like_ **

**_Calum: So you do like me ;)_ **

**_Me: Well, yeah_ **

**_Me: Isn't that obvious?_ **

**_Calum: Actually, not really_ **

**_Me: We text all the time_ **

**_Me: We hang out a lot_ **

**_Calum: You hang out with Michael too_ **

**_Me: You make a good point_ **

**_Calum: You should really finish your legal studies reading_ **

**_Me: Getting sick of me? :P_ **

**_Calum: No_ **

**_Calum: But Mrs O'Sullivan is hectic and you can't afford to get any bad grades_ **

**_Me: ??_ **

**_Calum: We can't have anything getting in the way of you coming to USU next year_ **

**_Me: :)_ **

**_Me: You could always come over and tutor me_ **

**_Calum: Trust me, you'd get none of your reading done if I were to come over right now ;)_ **

I find it in me to put down my phone and focus on the rest of my Legal Studies reading. Once I'm done, I read through the first thirty pages of We All Looked Up, and then check Dad's work schedule in the kitchen.

Much later, after Alfie and I have taken Pepper for a walk and cleaned up the kitchen after dinner, I text Calum back: **_Tuesday night. You can come over for dinner and meet my Dad on Tuesday night._**

 


	47. Chapter 47

Like most things in my life lately, Tuesday night doesn't go to entirely to plan.

First my Dad gets called into work to cover someone else's shift. He keeps apologising, even as he's walking out the door. I tell him it's okay because I don't want to inflate his guilt further, but I'm disappointed. In a strange plot twist, I've been looking forward to him and Calum meeting. Maybe it would bring an end to Dad's incessant habit of calling him _Book Boy_ , particularly when he catches me texting Calum with a big dopey grin on my face.

Okay, and maybe I'm a little upset that I've spent days psyching myself up for Dad to pull out embarrassing baby photos and childhood stories to share with Calum, and now I'll have to do it all over again for the rescheduled dinner. That type of emotional preparation takes work.

Anyway, it's not so bad because I end up burning the lasagne and Madison invites Alfie over for dinner anyway. I happily drop him off, swing by the local Italian place on the way home and buy two large cheese pizzas. An hour later, Calum arrives - maybe the only thing that's gone to plan tonight - and we lay on the floor, eating pizza and pouring over to USU catalogue.

"Did you ask your Dad about the open day?" Calum's laying on his stomach opposite me.

I nod. "He said he's more than happy for us to make a day trip. He's even going to pay for the petrol."

"And staying overnight?"

"He said not a chance in hell." He'd even used his serious detective voice. I didn't push the subject, I know better.

Calum laughs, rolling over and stretching his arms up above his head. A thin stripe of dark skin is revealed from the bottom of his t-shirt.

"So, when do I get to meet your family then?" What I'm really asking is: _when do I get to meet the couple that blessed the world with a human like Calum?_

A laugh envelopes his reply, "Never."

"Why not?"

"I don't want to scare you away."

I remember the day I ran into him in the bookstore. _Achingly quiet_ , he'd described his home as. "I'm not easily scared."

"I know," Calum sighs. I find myself wanting to hug him. Instead, I gently touch his hand with mine. "They're good people, but they're kind of traditional, I guess. They put a lot of pressure on me."

"With school?"

"With everything. They think astronomy is a waste of time. They think I should study medicine, become a doctor. They're not bad parents, but they just don't get me. You know?"

Truthfully, I don't know. Dad's always tries his best to understand me. Before I can say anything else, Calum starts talking about We All Looked Up. For the first time I think I see why he loves books so much: they're an escape for him. He fills his room up with the voices of fictional characters to block out the silence of his reality. 

Anyway, we're about a third of the way in now. Poor Calum's keeping up with my snails-pace reading speed, determined not to read ahead without me. He starts reading the book out loud, holding the book with one hand and lazily running his other through my hair. 

We only get through a few pages. I have to drag myself away from Calum when Madison's Mum drops Alfie home. My little brother surprises me by giving Calum a fist bump and a smile before going off to his bedroom.

"He came around quickly." Far quicker than Finn will. He isn't around a lot but he does do that protective big brother thing well.

Calum bites into his lip. "I might have promised to help him plead his case for another dog, a friend for Pepper."

"Calum!"

He laughs, "What?"

The way he's staring at me, I'm lost for words: his huge smile, those dark eyes, the way his full lips pucker into the cutest pout. I shake my head, not losing my own smile. "Nothing. I'm just really happy."

Calum's arm snakes around my shoulders. He pulls me close to him and kisses the top of my head. "Me too."

-

"Did you get the legal studies reading finished?" It's the following day and Tess and I are sitting at our lunch table. After Calum left last night, I had to load up on coffee to get through all of my school work. It wasn't easy. All I wanted to do was curl up with We All Looked Up and text Calum about it.

Tess shook her head. "No. Did you?"

I nod. "Are you going to uni next year?"

She shakes her head again. "I'm going to intern at my Dad's firm. He's a lawyer."

Up ahead, I spot Heath, Calum and Michael walking towards us. They're all laughing, even Michael. "It's nice to see Michael happy again."

"I still can't believe what Joss did to him," Tess says. "I mean, look at him. How could you hurt someone like Michael?"

The boys are still a good thirty seconds away from joining us but I lower my voice anyway. "Can I ask you something? Do you ever see her around school?"

"Joss?" Tess shakes her head. "Not at all. You?"

"No, not really."

"What about Luke?"

I don't get time to answer because the boys all sit down: Heath next to Tess, Calum and Michael either side of me.

Calum hands me a pink-iced donut, "I got this for you. Figured you'd need a sugar rush to get through your Legal Studies class."

"That's what I want," Michael says suddenly. "Someone who loves me enough to bring me donuts."

I gently pull the donut into two pieces and hand one to Michael. "I like you enough to split it with you."

Michael takes his half of the donut and proceeds to shove the entire thing in his mouth at once. "That's more than Joss liked me," he laughs. For some reason, it makes me want to cry.

Calum interjects before the conversation can drag Michael back to sadness and self-pity. "Comet Catalina is right on track."

"Comet who?" Heath asks. He's a man of few words I've discovered since he and Tess have started joining us.

"Comet Catalina," I say, smiling. It feels like there's an invisible piece of string connecting Calum and I right now.

"It'll pass between midnight and 4am."

"You're going to stay up until 4am to watch a comet flip across the sky for a few seconds?" Michael scoffs, dusting the donut crumbs from his fingers. "That sounds so underwhelming."

Calum laughs. "Actually, even though it travels at about 200,000 kilometres an hour, it will look slow from our perspective."

"How slow?" I ask, curious because like Michael, I thought it'd pass over in a few seconds.

"Slow enough that it doesn't really look like it's moving at all. It'll look like a regular star, just super bright. I usually check my telescope every ten minutes for a position change."

"Sorry, dude, but that sounds super boring to me," Michael says with a shrug.

"I think it sounds magical," I say.

"Me too," Tess agrees. Heath, having already fulfilled his two word quota for this conversation just nods.

"That's because you're all in love and looking at the world like it's one big-ass fairy tale where everything is magic and happy endings."

It's the second time Michael's mentioned the L word, and the second time I ignore it.


	48. Chapter 48

"You can't have wasted your life at eighteen. We haven't even lived yet."

Calum and I are in the seniors lounge before school, his arm around me and his copy of We All Looked Up sitting between us. It feels like the first time in too long that we've had any time just the two of us, and I'm savouring every second of it.

Listening to Calum read aloud has become one of my favourite things. I nudge him gently with my elbow and he continues on. "But you have to decide, you know? It's like that poem with the roads. You don't want to end up running down the wrong road, because you'll probably never get back to that place again. The place where the road splits, I mean."

I interrupt. "I thought The Road Less Travelled told us that it didn't actually matter which road you choose."

Calum laughs. "If you'd have just given me a few more seconds..." He points to the next line of the book, this time for me to read aloud:

"Actually, the point of that poem is that it doesn't really matter which road you pick."

Calum continues reading. "Peter looked confused: are you sure?"

I interrupt again. "You know, I'm not sure about Peter. He seems like an idiot."

The book closes. "Maybe you just don't understand him yet. Some characters take a while to get to know."

One of Calum's hands gently rests on my thigh and I suddenly become hyper aware of it. All of my organs must move to that very spot underneath his hand because it feels as if the rest of me ceases to exist. The only part that's left is the part Calum's touching. "Fictional characters?"

"Non-fictional too." Calum looks at me intently.

The clock in the seniors lounge shows we only have a few more minutes before we'll have to get to our morning classes. He's still looking at me, our faces just inches apart. I become self-conscious of my breathing. To me it sounds like rolling thunder cracking through the silence. Calum's tongue coats his lips and my vision starts to blur as our faces move even closer to one another.

I think he's going to kiss me. I'm waiting for him to kiss me. I'm surprised by how much I want him to kiss me.

And then the bell for class rings.

My heart beats rapidly all through first period. I keep thinking about Calum's lips and his eyes and _his hands._ I'm startled when, without any permission, my mind starts wandering and imagining all of the things that he could do with those hands.

I don't know what happened this morning, what trickery or witchery or alchemy has happened to my body but it's like something inside of me has become unlocked. Everything I liked about Calum is still there: his smile, his brain, the adorable concentration on his face when he reads, and then there's more. This physical attraction that's powerful and raw and all-consuming.

At lunchtime I find myself going to the library for two reasons. The first is because I don't feel ready to see Calum: _what if he can suddenly read my thoughts and see all of the unjust things I keep picturing?_ Also, I have a chemistry test to study for.

With my head in the clouds and the thought of Calum's hand still resting on my knee, I take a seat at an empty desk and get out my textbook. I'm a few pages into a practice Chemistry quiz when I notice Joss and Luke. They're across the library, sitting on the floor by the Science Fiction books.

Luke's got headphones in while Joss is reading something. I guess this is where they've been hiding out. In a detective type way, I feel a sense of relief. I look across at them again. Both of them look miserable. Oddly enough, I'm not happy or sad about this. I'm completely neutral.

I finish the rest of my Chemistry quiz as quickly as I can, then head out to our table to have lunch with Calum and Michael.

 

That night, Calum calls me and reads a little more of We All Looked Up over the phone. I lay on my bed with my eyes shut, listening to his voice and imagining he's here next to me.

"That night, when he gasped awake sometime in the hours before sunrise to find Ardor framed perfectly in his bedroom window -" Calum stops reading. "Are you sure I'm not putting you to sleep?"

"Are _you_ saying that or is that in the book?"

There's a groan. "I'm saying that. I feel like I've dragged you into my secret nerd world and I'm boring you. I don't want to bore you."

"I like listening to you read. I like that this has become a thing we do together," I say softly.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. Keep reading."

"Okay... to find Ardor framed perfectly in his bedroom window, gleaming like the eye of some sleepless demon, his defences dropped away, and he allowed himself to imagine Eliza slipping into bed beside him, kissing him like she had that first time."

He pauses again. I laugh. "I hope you're not still worrying about boring me."

"No. I've just had a realisation. I'm Peter."

I grimace in the darkness of my room. "Does that make me Stacy?"

"No," he answers with a low voice. "That makes you Eliza."

There's silence. Except for my breathing again which has sped up again. I position the phone a little further from my mouth.

His voice cracks, "I really wanted to kiss you this morning."

This doesn't help my breathing at all. "Why didn't you?"

"I didn't know if you wanted me to. I didn't know if you were ready, after all of that Luke stuff."

"But you kissed me the night we watched The Outsiders."

"Yeah..." he pauses again. "But I realised when I got home how wrong that was. I was rushing you. I'm sorry." I hear him sigh. "Are you near a window?"

Even though I'm in bed, I say yes and then scramble out of the sheets and over to my bedroom window. The sky looks like a navy blue velvet blanket scattered with pearls.

"Look for the brightest star you can see. Found it?"

I scan the sky until my eyes find a bright one, hoping it's not a plane like that time at Ashton's party. "I think so."

"Pretend that's the bottom point of a kite shape. Follow it upwards, and you'll find five more stars. It takes a little imagination."

I count the stars, and squint a little, trying to picture a kite. "I see it."

"That's Bootes. The brightest star, the bottom of the kite, that's Arcturus. Different mythologies associate Bootes with different things but there's a Hawaiian name for Arcturus. They call it Hoku-leʻa, which means _star of gladness._ You can only really see Bootes in Autumn, so whenever I do, I think about that term: star of gladness. And I think about all of the things that make me happy."

Calum talks for a while more about Bootes and the different associations but before the conversation ends, he adds, "I guess what I'm trying to say is that you make me happy, Ruby, and maybe whenever you're sad you'll be able to look for Arcturus and find something to be glad about too."

We say goodnight but before we hang up the phone, I tell him one last thing: "I'm glad for you letting me into your secret nerd world."


	49. Chapter 49

On Saturday, Calum and I drive up to USU together. Well, I drive. Calum reads aloud for a while. Ardour - the asteroid in the book - is getting closer and we find ourselves talking about what we'd do in the situation.

"I'd finish every book on my Amazon wish list," Calum says.

"I'd take Alfie to Disneyland." I wonder if they'd let everyone free. If the whole planet is doomed, there's not much incentive to make a profit.

"I'd move my mattress outside and sleep underneath the stars every night."

"I'd leave school. I'd eat sushi and donuts everyday, and not waste a single time being sad or angry or watching boring tv."

"I'd do everything that scares me: bungee jumping, sky-diving. All of that adrenalin rush stuff."

"What about sex?" I wonder aloud. "If you knew you were going to die, you'd want to have as much as you could have. Right?" I think I probably would.

Calum shrugs. "It's not that important." His hand finds it's way to my thigh. I turn off of the highway, we aren't far from USU now. "I'd kiss you every chance I had."

I'm smiling. "And when we came up for air, I'd ask you to read to me."

There's a laugh from Calum. "Really? That's how you'd want to spend your last days on Earth: me reading to you."

"I like it. It's like our own personal book club."

Calum smiles, then seems to notice how close we are. "The drive hasn't taken as long as I thought."

I glance sideways. "That's because we haven't stopped talking the whole time."

"Yet another reason we both have to get into USU." 

It's a harmless comment but it triggers thoughts that I hadn't yet considered: what if neither of us get in? What if only one of us gets in? I imagine it, just for a moment. Calum away at USU and our relationship dwindling down to just a few texts per week because he's too busy being smart and beautiful and finding other smart and beautiful students to hang out with.

When we arrive to USU, we're greeted with a white plastic sign hanging over the parking lot fence: _**Welcome to Open Day!**_ It reads.

The first thing I notice is how different a uni campus looks to our high school. Everything seems cleaner, or something. We walk through to the main quad which is the meeting place for the open day students. I notice vending machines and recycling bins. There's other students - proper students - sitting on the grass, reading, laughing, blocking out the world with headphones.

We approach a group of fellow seventeen and eighteen year olds and wait until a guy with floppy brown hair introduces himself. His name is Len and he's a second year Astrophysics student. I can practically hear Calum fangirling. The day starts off with a tour of the campus. We see the labs, the classrooms, the libraries (all three of them!) the student accomodation blocks, the cafeteria and the coffee shop.

Len suggests we take a break while we're here at the coffee shop. As we're waiting in line, I look at the far brick wall. There's a large canvas splayed across it. It says: **_We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star._**

"Stephen Hawking said that," Calum says, noticing my gaze. "There was another one when we walked into the lab block. A Sigmund Freud quote which said:  _Being entirely honest with oneself is a good exercise._ "

I take a leaf out of Sigmund Whoever's book and be entirely honest with myself, and with Calum. "There's no way I'm smart enough to go here."

Calum puts a hand on my back, staring at me fiercely. "Of course you are, Rubes."

"No, I'm not. Look at you. You can already cite every quote plastered around campus. I don't even know who Sigmund Freud is."

"Knowing who said something doesn't make you any smarter."

After we've all had our coffees, Len takes us by the campus bookstore where I blow my allowance on three science textbooks. _Just a bit of light reading?_ Calum jokes when he sees the pile of books. Then he kisses my cheek, probably trying to make me feel better. It works. 

After the bookshop, Len hands out the afternoon schedule so we can choose which class we want to sit in this afternoon.

Calum barely looks at the schedule before choosing Relativistic Astrophysics. It's tempting to choose that too, just so I don't have to go and sit alone in another classroom, but I don't even know what relativistic means, and I don't want to waste this opportunity. I read over the list of classes until I decide on Developmental Neuroscience.

The professor has frizzy red hair and actually reminds me a bit of a mad scientist. She seems frazzled as she starts off the lecture but as she speaks, I see her eyes become ablaze. Much like the way Calum's do when he talks about Astronomy.

The girl next to me leans over and introduces herself with a whisper. "I'm Carly, she says."

"Ruby," I whisper back, trying to be polite but not wanting to talk and disrupt the lesson.

Afterwards, I walk out excited and overwhelmed and full of questions and topics I want to research when I get home. I notice Carly up ahead and call out to her, "Hopefully I'll see you around here next year."

She smiles, "I hope so."

Calum's waiting up ahead. He's smiling at me. Carly notices. "Is that your boyfriend?"

"Um, kind of. Not really," I laugh. "It's complicated."

"Then _un_ -complicate it," she says with another smile.

Calum throws his arm around my shoulders and asks me how my class went. The whole drive home all I can think about it how desperate I am to get into USU next year.


	50. Chapter 50

The night after the USU trip is Comet Catalina night.

Calum arrives at promptly 7pm, wearing a buttoned up black shirt and black jeans. My Dad introduces himself. Calum shakes his hand and calls him sir.

Alfie giggles from the table. It's hard for me not to as well. It's clear to everyone - my Dad included - that Calum is extremely nervous. Dad returns Calum's hand shake. "Nice to finally meet you, Book Boy."

"Likewise, Sir."

"Please, call me Sam."

"Yes, Sir. I mean Sam, I mean -"

Dad laughs. "Let's eat, hey? Nothing like an empty stomach to rattle those nerves."

We sit down at the table. Dad made a roast for dinner, with gravy and everything. As much as Calum's trying to impress Dad, I think Dad's trying to do the same. Alfie and I set out the cutlery while Calum helps Dad set all of the food out across the table.

I'm smothering my potatoes with gravy when Dad says, "So, Ruby tells me you want to be an Astrophysicist."

"That's right, S - Sam."

I smile at Calum, trying to calm his nerves. I'm also trying not to stare at him in that buttoned up shirt, and the way the sleeves hug his muscles.

Alfie looks up from his plate of food. "Do you believe in aliens?"

"Don't you?" Calum counters with a wink.

"I hope they have alien dogs," Alfie says thoughtfully.

"Oh, me too," Calum agrees genuinely. "Imagine how sad it would be to live in a world without dogs." I watch as Alfie starts to like Calum a little more.

"Your parents must be so proud of you," Dad interjects, keen to get off of the topic of dogs. Once Alfie starts he can be hard to stop. "Pursuing something so esteemed."

"Actually, they think it's a waste of a degree," Calum laughs. "They'd rather I become a doctor."

Dad waves his fork around as he speaks. "You know, before I became a detective, I used to see a lot of trouble kids. As a new cop, I used to break up parties and bust kids graffitiing public places. What I learned most from those kids is that they just needed someone to believe in them. And in my opinion, it doesn't matter whether your kid wants to be a doctor or a mechanic or an artist, what matters is that as parents, we believe in them and encourage them. That's my thoughts anyway."

"Well I never want to go to uni," Alfie says forcefully.

I look over at him. He's wearing his serious face. "Why's that?"

"They don't let dogs live on campus."

I can't help it, I fall into a fit of laughter. Dad and Calum do too, and eventually so does Alfie. Once we've finished eating - miraculously, all unscathed and without a single awkward moment - Calum helps Dad clean up while Alfie and I sit on the floor in the living room, playing with Pepper.

"Calum's okay, I guess," Alfie says suddenly.

I'm scratching Pepper behind the ears, just the way she likes. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," he nods, and then gives me a worried frown. "But I can still be friends with Luke, can't I?"

"Of course you can. I think Luke would be sad if you two weren't friends anymore."

"You made Luke sad."

"It's a little more complicated than that, Alfie."

"Last year, Matt Golding laughed at the dog drawing I did in art. It really hurt my feelings and we weren't friends for the longest time. But after a while, he said he was sorry. He said he teased me to make himself feel better about his drawing."

"This is different."

Alfie, as stubborn and determined as ever, keeps pressing. "He said sorry, and even though I didn't forget it, I wasn't so sad anymore. I think Matt felt better too."

Calum pokes his head into the living room and tells me that he's finished cleaning up. I tell him I'll be ready in a second. We're going over to his house to watch the comet. I turn to Alfie, who's got Pepper snuggled up on his lap now. "I'll think about saying sorry to Luke, okay?" Because maybe Alfie is right. Maybe it will make me feel better.

When I walk into the kitchen, Dad is giving Calum the speech: _no speeding, no drink driving._ "And don't get her home too late."

"I won't, Sir. You have my word."

Dad looks at the both of us and lets out a small smile. "And have fun. You're only seventeen once, after all."

 

The drive to Calum's house is short and quiet. We step out of the car, and Calum starts fumbling with his keys to unlock the front door. "My parents aren't home," he says, kind of nervously. I just smile.

When we get inside, he takes my hand and leads me straight to his room. It's a typical boy room, I guess. The only boys room I've ever been in is Luke's. Unless you count Alfie and Finn's. Calum's is certainly a lot cleaner than all of theirs. His walls are painted navy blue and there's a bed on one wall. The poster above it has different constellations mapped out.

In the corner is a small bookshelf stacked with books. Even from a quick glance, I can see most of them have been read a hundred times over, the pages worn at the corners. To Kill A Mockingbird sits on the top shelf and I smile.

"What?" Calum asks.

"I saw you once, reading that book," I gesture towards the shelf. "To Kill a Mockingbird."

He cocks his eyebrow. "Were you stalking me?"

"Only mildly," I joke. "No, I was out for breakfast with my Dad and Alfie, and you walked in holding that book. I thought I was in love." It's funny now. I was so naive back then.

Calum's clearly amused. "Thought?"

"I mean, I didn't even know you. All I knew was that you were beautiful and mysterious and you had this whole side of you that you clearly kept hidden from everyone at school. I was intrigued."

He grabs my hand. "Come on."

"Where are we going?"

"Upstairs."

"There's another level?"

"You'll see."

We walk out of his room and down the hallway. I sneak glances at the few photos on the walls. Photos of a younger, chubbier Calum posing with a couple I presume to be his Mum and Dad. He drops my hand and reaches up, pulling a small ring that's inset in the ceiling.

It pulls down to reveal a small set of timber stairs. Completely curious now, I follow him up the stairs and into another room. We both have to duck at first, because of the way the ceiling drops down at the edges. It rises to a regular height in the middle of the room, like a valley leading to the large window.

Then I see it, the telescope. It's silver handles glisten in the moonlight. Calum turns on a lamp, adding a little more light to the small space. That's when I notice the mattress on the floor and stack of books next to it. "I sleep up here, most nights," he explains. He gestures towards the window. I peer through it and out into the street.

We might only be one other floor up, but it feels like we're another world away. "Here," Calum's hand touches my back gently. He leans over me, placing his eye on the eyepiece of the telescope. I breathe in his woody cologne. All of the other psychical contact between us pales in comparison. I feel like this is the closest we've ever been.

"Look now, Rubes," he tells me, and I move forward to look through the eyepiece. One of Calum's hands stay around my waist, the other moves to fiddle with something on the side of the telescope. "Do you see it?" he whispers right into my ear.

I see it straight away. It's not like looking for constellations, there's no way to miss this. Comet Catalina is bright. I'm surprised that it's a soft blue colour too. It glistens so delicately that it's hard to remember that it's travelling at a hundred thousand kilometres an hour.

"It's beautiful," I whisper. Calum leaves a gently kiss on my neck.

"Yes it is," he agrees. _Forget the beautiful comet_ , I think, spinning around to face Calum. I don't wait for him. I kiss him, I kiss him hard, running my hands through his dark hair. He takes my face between his hands and kisses me back, and it's like there's a gravitational collapse and the stars explode around us.

Calum was right: sometimes it takes time to discover something magical. I kiss him again. I feel like the sun whose been waiting for the comet.

And boy has it been worth the wait.

 


	51. Chapter 51

In the weeks following the comet, Calum and I spend every moment we can squeezing in pieces of one another.

We hold hands on the way to class. Steal kisses in the afternoon when Calum walks me to my car.  And we sneak into the Senior's Lounge every chance we get, filling the oxygen up with books and laughter and even more breathy kisses.

Mrs Mackey calls a Year 12 meeting about university. It's optional, attended mostly by kids who want to go to uni. She hands out early applications for those of us who don't want to wait until the end of the year. Funnily enough, I see Luke there, sitting right up the back. He takes an application but I'm not sure for which school. Joss isn't with him.

I only grab the forms for one school: USU. Calum takes one for USU as well, obviously. At the last second he grabs one for the local university too. "Better to keep my options open," he says with a small shrug.

He comes over after school so we can fill them out together. Dad's on night shift and Alfie's at an after-school play date. We somehow end up on the couch, me on top of Calum, our lips starving for one another.

We still haven't done anything more than kissing. Not even the night of the comet. It's driving me crazy, just quietly, but I don't want to rush into anything. Still, I have to wonder if it's driving Calum crazy too, and then he groans into my mouth and I _know_ that we both going crazy. 

Our lips part, our lungs fight against each other to get some oxygen in. "I feel like we need to slow down," Calum says reluctantly. He traces my collarbones with one of his dark fingers. I kiss the top of his hands.

"We're just kissing," I point out, not quite ready for us to stop.

"Yeah, but," Calum sighs. "I always feel like I'm one kiss away from not wanting to stop. And I don't want to rush you into anything. Your first time is a big deal."

 _My first time?_ What on earth is he talking - _oh._ Oh, boy."I'm not a virgin, Calum."

He frowns. He looks hurt. He probably thinks I lied to him. "But you told - "

"I know what I told you, and when I said it, I was." I wish the floor would just open up and swallow me. This conversation is so much more awkward than it should be. "But now I'm not."

Calum's still frowning. He's probably thinking that I've been sneaking around with someone else. That's what I'd be thinking. Due to my natural ability to make each situation a little harder on myself, I add, "I mean, I haven't been for a while."

His eyes widen a little. "Luke?"

I nod, slowly. Now I really wish the floor would swallow me whole, and temporarily bury me under a garden bed. I'm embarrassed. So embarrassed.

Calum doesn't react in any way I might have guessed he would. He kisses my forehead and brushes a piece of my hair behind my ear. "I'm really sorry he did that to you, Rubes."

"He didn't... I mean, we both wanted it -" Honestly, at this point I might as well invite Luke over to sit in to this conversation. It couldn't make it any more awkward than it is right now. There's nothing but silence in the room. "Do you want to fill our applications in now?"

"No," Calum shakes his head. "I want to keep doing this," and then he starts kissing me again.

Our application forms lay forgotten on the floor until Alfie gets home.

 

Later in the evening, when Calum's gone, the taste of him barely left lingering on my lips, I lay in bed looking out the window. The moon is carved delicately into the sky, like a thin piece of wispy hair. Sometimes when I can't sleep, I try to find the constellations Calum's showed me. Sometimes I Google new ones and try to find them myself.

Sometimes I catch myself glancing over to Luke's house. Old habits die hard, I guess. I've been thinking about what Alfie said, about apologising to Luke. If not for his sake, for mine. Tonight I'm feeling braver about the idea. It can't be more traumatic that my conversation with Calum earlier.

It's only 10:15. Liz will be asleep, surely. I think Luke will be awake, though. Maybe. I sit up in bed, contemplating getting dressed and going over there right now. Except, that would be crazy, right?

The moon looks a tawny grey in the blue-black sky. I begin to connect the stars aimlessly, like a never ending dot-to-dot. Every last one adds up to Calum's face, and I think that yes, I am probably, most-likely, almost-definitely crazy. 

And probably, most-likely, almost-definitely in love with Calum.

Beside my bed sits my copy of We All Looked Up. We've finished it, but I won't spoil the ending for you. I liked it. Calum loved it. He loves anything with stars in it. 

I flip the book open to a page that Calum marked for me. It says: _When you consider things like the stars, our affairs don't seem to matter very much, do they?_

I think about that as I'm getting dressed. It makes me feel braver, remembering how insignificant I am in this big, magical world. I pull a hoodie over my pyjama shirt and swap my PJ shorts for a pair of jeans. In major stealth mode, I tip toe down the hallway and out the backdoor (the front door is right near Dad's bedroom.)

Only once I'm safely outside do I text Luke: **Are you home?**

He texts back straight away.  **yeah im home. are you okay?**

I text him again: **Come and open the door**


	52. Chapter 52

Luke sneaks me into his bedroom. He's scared of waking up Liz so we're both really quiet. It's good on one hand, I can actually have a few moments to consider what the hell I'm going to say to him. On the other, though, it's painfully awkward.

I sit down on Luke's bed first. He's shuts the door behind him and leans against the wall.

"Are you okay?" He'd whispered this when he'd opened the front door too.

"I'm fine." A little crazy but fine.

Instead of talking, I'm looking around Luke's room. It's much tidier than any other time I've been in his. The bed underneath me is actually made. "You weren't asleep?"

Luke shifts uncomfortably against the door. "No."

"What were you - " I don't know why, but my head goes straight to an inappropriate thought. I hold my lips together, on the verge of laughing.

"Funny joke?" He doesn't sound amused.

"It's just... you weren't, like, you know," I glance down at this hands. "You weren't jacking off, were you?"

Luke groans, "Jesus, Ruby. No, I wasn't having a wank."

"Then why'd you look so embarrassed?"

He shifts again. "I was in the tree house."

"Oh." I remember what Liz said about getting it taken down at the end of the school year. I don't know why he's embarrassed. It's no secret to me that the boy loves his treehouse.

Talking to Luke right now feels like how it used to. Before all of our relationship chaos, before I fell in love with him. This feels easy and normal. The realisation slams loudly, like a heavy door hitting it's frame: I don't love him anymore.

I look back at Luke who is still leaning against his bedroom door. Now that he knows I'm okay, he doesn't seem that happy to see me. He looks really angry, actually.

"Are _you_ okay?"

"I'm," he looks around his bedroom. He looks at the floor, at an unlaced pair of Vans, at the paint peeling off the window sill behind me. _He looks everywhere but at me._ "I'm just confused, Ruby. What are you doing here?"

He _sounds_ angry, too. "I came to talk, I guess."

"So talk," he says. "Say whatever it is you came here to say. Don't sit on my bed and make easy conversation like nothing has happened between us."

"Okay," I say. My voice sounds as thin as the moon tonight. "I'm sorry, I guess. I came here to say sorry. For my part of our stupid plan. For getting so upset with you when I found out about you and Joss." Some of these words taste like a bitter antidote I'm trying to swallow, but Alfie's right. It will make me feel better once it's all out. "I'm sorry."

"Oh, _you're sorry._ That's really nice." His voice drips in sarcasm.

"Are you kidding me right now? I'm apologising to you, and you're practically rolling you eyes!"

He raises an eyebrow, turns his lips up at the corner.  _It's Fuck Boy 101._ "Not nice, is it?" I stare at him, not knowing what to say. He's practically smiling now, in a way that's anything but friendly. "I tried to apologise to you, after dinner at your house and you didn't want to hear any of it."

"I was hurt!"

"And now I'm hurt!" He yells, and then looks startled, remembering that his Mum is asleep. "I told you that I love you, Ruby, and you said nothing."

I've been hoping he'd forgotten about that. I know I've tried to. Until now, I'd convinced myself it happened in a dream, not in real life. "You were too late," I confess.

"Did I ever have a chance? Honestly?"

I want to scream at him. Honestly, I do, but the hurt in his blue eyes is stronger than my irritation. "Of course you did, Luke." My voice is little more gentle now. "Of course you did. I really loved you. Not just as my best friend but as a boy that maybe I'd get a happy ending with."

"It's gone now, though, right? Now you're in love with Calum, just like you were always supposed to be."

I don't want to lie to him. Underneath it all, he's still one of my best friends. My voice cracks, "I think - I _am_ in love with him."

"At least you chose one of the good ones." He kicks his foot back against the wall. I can't tell if he's humouring me or not.

"He is a good one, you know."

"I know," Luke says. "All the times I said he wasn't, I was just jealous. Even before I fell for you. I hated the idea of losing my best friend."

"You wouldn't have lost me."

Luke sighs. I sigh. The air feels cleaner, though. I decide it's worth asking the question that's been hanging out in a far, far corner of my headspace. "What about you and Joss?"

"It's - we're - it wasn't meant to be," he kicks his foot against the wall again. "Or maybe it was, maybe we just fucked it up for ourselves."

That's the only answer I need. "I saw you at the uni meeting with Mrs Mackey the other other."

"I'm applying for the local uni. Thinking about becoming a High School Music Teacher."

I'm smiling. "I could see you doing that." I really could. I let out a small laugh, "Mr Hemmings."

Luke laughs too. "Can you imagine?"

I nod, "I can."

"What about you? Are you really going to go to USU?"

"I hope so. I still have to get in but, fingers crossed."

"Alfie will miss you."

"I know. I'll miss him too."

"I'll keep an eye out for him."

I smile. "I know." Luke smiles back. "He gave Calum a bit of a hard time at first. I think Alfie hoped we'd get our act together and sort it out."

"He wasn't the only one," Luke's still smiling. It's kind of a sad smile now. I know he's thinking about what could have been. "Maybe it's just not our time yet."

"Maybe," I say, but only to be polite. The only future I see for me and Luke is maybe becoming friends again.

A hand runs through Luke's hair. He knows. "You really love him, hey."

"I really do."

"Go on," Luke says. I stare at him, not really sure what he means or if he's angry again. When he starts speaking again, his voice is softer. "This started with Calum, and it's going to end with Calum, I guess. Go get him, Ruby. Go make him feel like the luckiest boy in the world."

My insides are smiling. Luke didn't have to give me his approval, but as my friend - not the boy who I lost my virginity to, and not the boy that I loved for a small time - he knows how much his approval means. I nod.

"And you know, maybe from now on when we leave the house at the same time or run into each other at school, maybe we can say hello," Luke adds. "Instead of avoiding each other like the plague."

"I'd like that."

There's a brief, clumsy hug between us, and then Luke sneaks me out as quietly as I came in. The air is different between us, though. So's the air inside of me; I feel ridiculously happy, like flowers are blooming in my lungs.

Its after 11 o'clock now. As I leave Luke's I think about the fact that my Dad will kill me if he finds out  that I've snuck out of the house this late at night, and that the only thing that will make me being forever grounded worth it, is if I go over to Calum's right now and tell him that I am most-definitely, undoubtedly, unequivocally in love with him.


	53. Chapter 53

I'm grounded.

How come characters like Margo Roth Spiegelman don't get grounded? Or more importantly, why don't authors ever accurately portray parents and their reactions to things their teens do?

If I disappeared leaving nothing but a few clues for the boy next door, my Dad would probably lock me up forever once he found me again.

Anyway, I'm not disputing the reasons why I'm grounded. I get it. My Dad caught me sneaking back _in_ to the house to get my car keys. I should have just walked to Calum's. Then I wouldn't be in this mess. Or maybe I could have been honest with Dad and told him my reasons for sneaking in to get the car keys and why I was so desperate to go to Calum's at almost midnight.

My Dad is a big softy, really. He might have let it go if I told him I was going to tell Calum that I'm in love with him - but can you imagine how embarrassing that would be? I'll take a few days of indefinite grounding.

Dad's on night shift tonight. _What's stopping me from going over to Calum's tonight?_ I said at breakfast this morning. _Nothing,_ he said, _but I trust you to make the right choice._ The most annoying thing is he's right. As much as I want to ignore said grounding and go over to Calum's anyway, I can't. I respect Dad too much. He just knows how to tap into that guilt and fear of disappointing him.

I considered just telling Calum today at school, but I've never said _I love you_ to someone before. I'm not sure if it's something I  want to blurt out between lunch and biology. I wonder if Calum's ever heard those words before. You know, properly. Not just pretty girls screaming _I love you_ at soccer matches or parties or whatever.

To make me feel mildly less bothered by it all, I finish filling out the rest of my USU application. The books I bought from the library are still sitting on my desk and I promise myself that I won't waste being grounded. I'll get stuck into the first one right away. Or at least, right after I tell Calum that I've finished my application.

**Me: My USU application is all done :)**

**Calum: Mine too :)**

**Me: Do you want to send them off together?**

**Me: Next week?**

**Calum: Sure :)**

**Calum: We could get dinner afterwards?**

**Me: I can't**

**Me: Maybe**

**Me: I'll let you know**

**Me: I'm grounded**

**Calum: Grounded?**

**Calum: What did you do?**

**Me: Got caught sneaking into the house**

**Calum: Don't people usually get caught sneaking out?**

**Me: It's a long story**

**Calum: How long are you grounded for?**

**Me: Until my Dad decides he's made his point**

**Calum: Hopefully that doesn't take too long**

**Calum: I miss you**

**Me: We were at school together just a few hours ago**

**Calum: I know**

**Calum: That's different though**

**Me: I know :(**

**Calum: Wait**

**Calum: I've got an idea**

**Me: What is it?**

**Calum: If you're grounded that means you're not allowed to go out. Right?**

**Me: Right**

**Calum: But technically that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to come over... right?**

I sit up a little straighter on my bed and lean forward to peer down the hallway. Alfie's bedroom light is off. I send Calum another text: **Can you come over tonight?**

**Calum: I'm already in my car**


	54. Chapter 54

As soon as he walks in, Calum kisses me. It does feel like so long since we've been together. The memory of school is far away. Every minute I'm apart from Calum feels like hours, and hours feel like days. It's like love destroys your sense of time. "How much time do we have?"

"A few hours. Dad won't be home until after midnight."

"God, I missed you. I can't kiss you like this at school." He kisses me again. I don't think I'll ever get used to it, the way Calum's mouth feels on mine. My hands tug on the fabric of his black t-shirt, his weave through my hair.

"Wait," I say, dragging my mouth away from Calum's. "I want to talk to you about something."

He looks worried. "Is it about you being grounded?"

"Kind of." I take Calum's hand, heading towards my bedroom. I shut the door with a quiet click and Calum sits on my bed, looking around my room.

"I've never been in your room before." His eyes are still scanning, much like my Dad does when he's looking for something I'm hiding. I squash the thought immediately. I don't want to think about my Dad right now.

"It's just your regular bedroom. Dead bodies are under the bed," I joke. "Drug lab in the closet."

Calum laughs, a little too loudly. I lunge forward and cover his mouth with my hand. "Alfie's asleep," I explain. He presses a kiss into my palm, and then I'm climbing onto his lap and kissing him again.

"I thought you wanted to talk," Calum says, reluctantly pulling away.

"It can wait." I'd rather kiss him. It's more fun than talking, and far less terrifying than telling someone you're in love with them too.

Calum's hands trail down my arms and rest on my thighs. "No, it can't. I can feel myself getting carried away."

Trust me _, I_ can feel him too. There's no missing it. "You say that like it's a bad thing."

"I told you," he frowns thoughtfully. "I don't want to rush you into anything."

"You're not rushing me." Just to prove my point, I lean closer and leave a firm kiss on his neck, drawing some of the skin into my mouth and sucking gently.

Calum groans. I let out a small accomplished laugh. "It's not funny," he murmurs.

"It's a little funny." I can feel him shifting underneath me.

"You're kind of driving me wild, Rubes." He groans underneath my kiss. "Really fucking wild."

He's the one driving me wild, actually. It's like all of our conversations have been foreplay and so now, when things start getting physical, I'm on the brink of fireworks. His lips are moving to my neck now and my eyes flutter closed. It's like my body is made of slow-burning fireworks and he's about to light each one.

Wait. "I went over to Luke's the other night," I blurt out.

Calum's grip on my thighs tightens. "Okay..." he says, drawing his face away from my neck so that our eyes are locked. I notice he's clenching his jaw.

"Just to talk," I reassure him. "It was something Alfie said to me, about how sometimes apologising can make us feel better and - "

"You went over there to apologise to _him_?" He sounds angry, and jealous, and as wrong as it is, this makes me want him even more. "You don't have anything to apologise to him for."

"Yes, I did. I played a part in the whole mess, and now that I'm not blinded by my anger and hurt, it's easier for me to admit that."

"Did he bother to apologise to you?"

"Yeah, we kind of cleared the air between us," I'm getting off track now. "Anyway, he said some things and then I realised there was something I needed to tell you, but then, Dad caught me coming back inside to get my car keys."

"What time was this?"

"After 11," I say quickly.

Calum looks nervous. "You couldn't have just called?"

I shake my head. "It's not the kind of thing I want to say over the phone."

"So, what is it?"

I wait for my heart to start racing, or my pulse to thump heavily in my neck. I wait to feel any physical sign of my body freaking out about what I'm about to say, but it doesn't come. I don't feel scared about this. I'm staring at Calum who is staring at me, and I can't stop myself from smiling. Luke said that I'd make Calum feel like the luckiest boy in the world but I feel like the luckiest girl.

Who knows if the love you find at seventeen is the kind of love that lasts forever, but I do know it's the kind of love that throws your world off it's axis, turning over feelings you never thought were possible. "I love you."

Calum doesn't look surprised, or even taken back. He just smiles. I wish I had a photographic memory so I could capture this smile and look at it all the time. It's a smile so big that it takes over his whole face. Even his eyes are smiling, and his hands let go of my thighs and he laces his fingers through mine. "I love you too, Ruby," his smile says. "Honestly, I think I have for a while."

I kiss him, or maybe he kisses me. It's all a blur, now. He keeps asking me if I'm sure, and I keep promising yes. Then his shirt is off, and I can't stop staring at his perfect bare torso, and then I'm amazed when my shirt comes off and he can't stop staring at _me_. "Are you sure?" he says once we're both naked, barely either of us remaining restrained.

"I'm sure," I say, running my hands over his warm back. I've never been more sure of anything. My body is begging for him.

"I love you, Rubes," he says, as he enters me, setting of every single one of those slow-burning fireworks.

 


	55. Chapter 55

Thankfully, my Dad never finds out about Calum sneaking over that night. I think I'd probably end up grounded until next year if he did.

The week after we slept together, we sent off our USU application forms together. Dad did let me go out for dinner afterwards, even though I was still technically grounded. He might be in love with Calum too.

Making the most of my few hours of freedom, we went out of town to this Japanese restaurant where you get to cook your own stir-fry on the hot plate in the centre of the table.

"I'll cook yours," Calum had said with a smile. He'd been smiling a lot lately. It must have been the sex, or maybe he was just really happy.

"Are you going to live on campus next year?" I asked. Calum threw a bowl of chicken onto the sizzling hot plate.

"I think so. Off campus housing is so expensive."

I'd already thought about the two of us getting a little apartment together. It would be cheaper, almost as cheap as on-campus accomodation, but it would also be crazy. We weren't even officially a couple. I could handle on-campus accomodation for at least a little while.

"What about you?" He stirred the chicken which was quickly turning golden brown.

"Yeah, I'll be living on campus." He added some veggies and kept stirring.

Calum grinned. "So, I guess we'll be seeing each other quite a lot." He said it in the goofy voice I love so much.

We spent the rest of the dinner talking about USU and dancing around the fact that we hadn't labelled ourselves a couple. Did people still do that? Ask each other to be boyfriends or girlfriends or whatever. Maybe that type of commitment was an urban myth in modern society, or at the very least in high school.

It didn't bother me, really, and so I waited for Calum to approach the subject. It only took him three months. He showed up to my house with a bunch of supermarket flowers. Tiny yellow daisies that were slightly wilted yet somehow perfect.

"What did I do to deserve these?" I asked playfully. I think I stole that line from a sitcom I watched once.

"Just trying to treat my lady right." I'm pretty sure he stole that line to.

I teased him. "I'm your lady now, am I?"

His arms wrapped around me and he kissed me, catching me off guard. His kisses still caught me off guard because I never knew what they'd be like. Sometimes he kissed me so delicately, like I might bruise otherwise. And other times, he kissed me fast and hard, like he'd never be able to kiss me again.

"I'm hoping you will be," he said when our mouths parting. "Be my lady, that is."

He seemed nervous. I couldn't help but laughed. He laughed too, just... nervously. "What?" I said.

"This is scary!" he'd said. "I've never had a girlfriend before. What if I'm a terrible boyfriend?"

"You've been a pretty good one so far."

"So far?"

"Yeah. I mean, isn't that what we've been doing all these months? Unofficially dating? This doesn't change anything. You can just carry on being your perfect, adorable self."

Calum's nose screwed up. "You think I'm adorable?"

"What's wrong with being adorable?"

"You make me sound like a puppy."

"You are kind of like a puppy," I countered. His nose screwed up again. "What about handsome?"

"Nope."

"Hot?"

"Better." He stepped closer.

"Hmm," I pretended to think, ghosting over his lips with mine. "Sexy?"

"That's a definite level up from adorable," he said, and then he kissed me again.

 

It's September now. The days are melting away like an ice-cream in Summer. It won't be long until school's over, but more importantly, it won't be long until we receive our uni acceptance letters. Or rejection letters.

My stomach lurches as I take the baking tray out of the oven. On it are white choc-chip cookies. They're Dad's favourite. Calum's too. I haven't told anyone how scared I am about getting into USU. I mean, I'm not scared about getting in. I'm scared about not getting in. Terrified, actually.

On top of that, my birthday is coming up. I'll be an adult. A real life adult, in the eyes of everyone but myself. How can I almost be eighteen? Sometimes it feels like I just started high school, and now I'm going to be an adult who can drink and vote and buy lotto tickets.

High school is so strange. We spend so much time waiting to get out, and then it's fast approaching and it becomes kind of scary. I'm finding myself feeling nostalgic and sad over the most ridiculous things. Like last week, when I realised I'll never have school photos again. And I've always hated school photos, but the idea that they're gone forever is just kind of... sad.

"Hellooooo?"

"In the kitchen, Finn." I call out. He walks a second later holding hands with Mikayla. I wish he wasn't still dating her, it's incredibly awkward now that Joss and I aren't friends, and Mikayla is still an outright bitch. Finn seems happy though.

"Where's the kid?"

"Outside with Pepper."

"He really loves that dog, hey?"

I laugh. "He really does. As much as he loves tacos and Madison Freely, and according to Alfie, that's _a lot."_ I take some knives and forks from the drawer and hand them to Finn. "Dad should be home any minute. Why don't you set the table?"

"Here five minutes and you're already bossing me around," Finn says playfully. I throw my oven mitt at him.

Luke arrives next, carrying a bottle of red wine. "It's from my Mum, for your Dad," he explains.

That's strange. "Why?"

"I don't know," he shrugs. "She said she was telling him about the local vineyard she got it from."

That's even stranger. "When?"

Luke laughs. "I don't know, Ruby. I'm just the delivery boy."

He comes over sometimes. Mostly to hang out with Alfie. Sometimes, like today, to join us all for lunch or dinner. Things between us are okay. Calum still hates him which is why, a second later, when Calum arrives, Luke practically legs it out into the back yard.

Calum greets me with a kiss. "Hey beautiful."

"Hey beautiful yourself," I kiss him back. "Are you sure it's okay that you're here? It's Father's Day after all."

Calum looks sad. "Dad was working anyway."

"Well, my Dad will be happy to see you. He's been talking non-stop about this documentary you recommended him. Rubble or bubble or something."

"The Age of Hubble?" He's got that glint in his eye now. The one he gets whenever something makes him happy or excited.

"I think so."

"You didn't watch it with him? It's incredible, Rubes. You'll love it."

"I love it when you call me Rubes."

"That's enough lovebirds," Dad walks in. Calum shakes his hand like he does every time he sees Dad. "How's it going Book Boy?" Yes, Dad still calls him that.

"We were just talking about The Age of Hubble," Calum says. "I was telling Rubes that she missed out."

"It was incredible!"

Calum beams. "That's what I said!"

"I'm going to check on the food," I say, and leave the pair to geek out together. Before I get to the kitchen I hear Dad tell Calum he can smell white choc-chip cookies.


	56. Chapter 56

"I forgot Pepper's lead."

It's the week after Father's Day and Alfie and I are off to the dog park after school. It's my idea. I need a distraction from my nerves, and the incessant checking of the letterbox as I wait to receive my USU letter.

"Quickly go in and get it," I say, putting the car back into park.

"Why can't you?"

"Because I didn't forget it."

"Let's play for it," Alfie says. "Paper, scissors, rock."

"Fine," I grumble. I'm grumbling because I always lose and today's no exception. Alfie's paper covers my rock and I go inside to get Pepper's lead. As I walk back towards the car I feel like the letterbox is staring at me. _I'm ignoring you,_ I think to myself, turning my head towards Luke's house.

He gives me a little wave and calls out to Alfie. "Hey kid."

"Luke! We're going to the dog park! Want to come?"

Luke looks at me before accepting Alfie's invitation. "Calum's coming," I say casually.

"I'll take my car," he says, completely undeterred. I text Calum a warning before we leave, just to let him know.

We arrive to the dog park before Calum does. I sit on the grass alone, glancing at my phone every so often while Luke and Alfie play fetch with Pepper.

**Me: Where are you?**

I haven't heard from Calum afternoon and I'm starting to worry now.

I lock my phone, and then unlock it again two seconds later. Just incase the message notification didn't come up or something. There's still nothing from Calum.

**Me: I hate to be one of those clingy girlfriends but I'm really worried. Are you okay?**

"Trouble in paradise?" Luke sits down next to me.

"I'm just worried," I tell him. "I haven't heard from Calum and it's not like him to be late." _It's not like him not to text back either._

Luke runs a hand through his hair. "Maybe he's busy."

"Too busy to reply to a text?" I find myself rolling my eyes. I don't really even know why. I'm just worried about Calum and stressed about USU, and I feel like a knife is repeatedly stabbing my uterus. Damn cramps.

"Got any big plans for your birthday?"

"Not really." I pick at a few blades of grass, still thinking about Calum. "It's not like I have a lot of friends to celebrate with."

"You've got Calum," he says. "And I'm your friend. So's Michael."

I laugh. "Yeah, because celebrating my birthday with you and Michael in the same room sounds like a lot of fun."

"He still hates me, hey." Luke sounds sad.

"What did you expect?" I ask gently.

Luke shrugs. I check my phone again. Nothing. _Ugh._

"Have you called him?"

"No. If he's not answering my texts, I doubt he'll answer a call." I sigh. "You're probably right. He's probably just busy."

"You seem agitated."

"Well I'm not."

Luke looks at me, eyebrows raised. "Have you got your period or something?"

I slap his shoulder. "That's irrelevant."

"It's very relevant. You always turn into a mess when it's that time of the month."

"I do not."

"I feel sorry for Calum. Poor guy haven't to deal with Raging Ruby every month." He laughs, gently knocking my shoulder with his.

"Raging Ruby? You're honestly so annoying."

"Yeah, but you love me." He says it without thinking. It catches us both off guard but I pretend not to notice. Across the park I watch Alfie getting Pepper to sit and shake hands.

"This is nice, you know." Luke says. "It's like old times."

"Yeah, it is," I smile. "There won't be many more days like this. Everything will be different next year." I can't decide if I'm sad or happy about that. On one hand I'm excited for next year but on the other, I'm fiercely gripping onto our last weeks of high school.

"Did you get your letter of acceptance today?"

"No? Why?"

"I thought the USU letters went out today. A bunch of other schools did."

Of course they went out today. On the _one day_ I haven't checked the mailbox obsessively. "Do you mind if I go?" I'm already on my feet. "I need to go home and check if my letter is there."

"Go for it," Luke nods. "I'll bring Alfie home when he's ready."

"Thanks,"I call out, already racing towards my car.

This is it. It feels like this whole year has been leading up to this very moment. Okay, maybe I say that about a lot of things but this is a big fucking deal. This is going to determine my future. I groan, as I stop at the traffic lights. Now I'm terrified. _This is going to determine my future..._ what if I don't get in?

The speedometer tells me I'm right on the speed limit. I wish I could push my foot down a little harder, get there a little faster, however my Dad has scared the life out of me with the dangers of speeding.

It's the longest drive home ever, I swear. I park the car in the driveway but leave it running and race to the mailbox. Nosy Mrs Quart is probably watching me from her house. It's the first letter on top. I don't waste time analysing the thickness of the envelope or anything, I'm tearing straight into it.

_**We're excited to present you with an early offer for the class of 2016.** _

_**Attached to this letter you will find a welcoming package for your Bachelor of Science - Psychology and...** _

Oh my gosh.

I got in.

I'm going to USU.

I put the letter in my pocket without reading the rest. I can't concentrate. My whole face is smiling and I'm racing back into the car, heading straight for Calum's house.

I'm going to be a uni student. I'm going to be a USU student. I'm going to learn the names of famous scientist and drink coffee and meet Calum in the beautiful grassy quad in between classes.

 _I can't believe I got in._ Calum's going to be just as excited as I am. I just know it.

As I park my car and walk up to Calum's door, I realise that I still haven't heard from him. In the midst of my excitement, I'd forgotten all about it. I ring the doorbell, mildly worried that his Mum or Dad - who I haven't officially met - might answer.

But then he opens the door, in black dreams and a grey t-shirt. 

His sharp jaw stops me from throwing my arms around him and kissing him like I'd planned. He's angry.

I step forward, and his hand slips into mine. He's frowning, and I can see there's something clouding his head... sadness. 

My stomach drops.

I don't know how but I suddenly know the answer. I'm so sure of it that I don't even want to ask the question.

"I didn't get in Ruby," he says. "I didn't get into USU."

All of my excitement from the car is squashed. I picture it: walking around campus alone, drinking coffee alone, texting Calum between classes instead of kissing him and seeing his squishy face. No, no, no. This isn't supposed to happen.

"This wasn't supposed to happen," My voice comes out as a whisper. Calum pulls me close to him and wraps his arms around me. Neither of us seem to care we're still standing in the doorway.

"I know."

"I raced over here... I was so excited, I - I got in."

"I know," he says. "I saw the excitement in your eyes when I opened the door. I'm so proud of you."

He kisses the top of my head. "This wasn't supposed to happen" I say again. Didn't the universe get my memo? Calum and I were supposed to go to USU together. "We were supposed to do this together."

"It's going to be okay," Calum promises, his hand rubbing the top of my head. "We're going to be okay."

"How do you know that?"

He pulls back, touching my face gently with his fingers. "Because I love you."


	57. Chapter 57

"I love you," Calum assures me.

"I love you too. I've got class. I'll see you soon." I hang up the phone, and start to get ready for my morning class but there's a yuck feeling in my stomach.

I look at my reflection in the mirror and try to figure out what's wrong. Am I actually sick? No, it's not that kind of feeling. Have I forgotten something?

 _Think harder, Ruby,_ a voice says. I leave my small bathroom and go back into the room that I share with my room-mate, Ashley. My phone is on the bed but it's not locked like I left it. It's lit up, showing Joss's Facebook page on the screen. _That's weird._

I pick it up and start scrolling down, noticing she's changed her relationship status to single. Then the phone almost slips from my hand. The room around me starts spinning, I'm sure of it. There it is; Joss and Calum, kissing in a photo she uploaded this morning.

This can't be right. It has to be some sort of cruel joke, I decide, but I keep scrolling and there's more of them. One after the other; his lips on her cheek, their hands looped together at the park, him carrying her on his back in a dark street.

The room is really spinning now, I feel like I'm going to be sick. I hear Joss's laugh in the background and I turn around to see her sitting right here on Ashley's bed. What - 

I wake up gasping for air. It takes me a few minutes to realise that I'm still here, at home, and that it was all just a terrible nightmare. As I reach for my phone, the awful feelings leftover from the dream are sticking to me like sand, and then I see a message from Calum.

**Calum: Happy birthday beautiful**

It's only just 7am. He must have remembered as soon as he woke up. Some of the sand falls away.

**Me: thank you**

**Calum: Can you do me a favour?**

**Me: lol it's my birthday and you're asking for a favour?**

**Me: but okay**

**Calum: no pouting about USU today**

**Me: Promise denied**

**Calum: I'm serious!**

**Me: So am I!**

**Calum: I already told you. We're going to be okay**

I let go of a heavy breath, reminding myself that real life Calum is not the Calum from my dream and that I need to trust him.

**Me: Okay**

**Calum: Good**

**Calum: Now come and open the front door ;)**

I look down at my striped pyjama shorts and singlet, and don't bother considering to get dressed. When I open the front door, Calum's standing there with a bouquet of pink flowers in one hand and an envelope in the other.

"Happy birthday again," he grins, stepping in and kissing me.

"You know you didn't have to get my flowers," I say with a smile, tilting my chin towards the ground incase I have morning breath.

"It's not everyday my girl turns 18."

I laugh, "Now you sound like my dad."

A crimson blush covers Calum's cheeks as he smiles. "I hope you like them, anyway. I didn't know what flowers you liked."

"I like any flowers that come from you," I tell him, walking into the kitchen and digging through the cupboards to find a vase. Pepper, who's already sniffing around her bowl, abandons her quest for food to greet Calum. "How about I make us something breakfast?"

"It's your birthday," he says, watching me while kneeling down to pat the dog. "I'm taking you out for breakfast."

Finally, I find a vase. I fill it up with water and put the flowers into it. "Really?"

Calum laughs again, "Yes, really. Now go and get dressed."

"I'm going to shower first..." _Now there's an idea._ "You could join me if you want." _I couldn't think of a better birthday present..._

"And have you Dad bust us?" He shakes his head. "No thanks. I actually like having his approval to date his daughter."

"Suit yourself," I tease.

Leaving Calum to play with Pepper, I grab some clothes from my room, wincing when I see my USU acceptance letter on my desk. I'm stuck in this uncomfortable place where I'm so excited about going, yet dreading leaving Calum behind. And then there's those dreams, like the one I had last night, where Joss still manages to haunt me...

Joss. I remember when her and Michael first started dating, how they were practically attached at the mouths and how pathetic I thought it was. I take it all back now. I want to be with Calum all of the time because he's not just my boyfriend, he's my best friend too.

Calum and Pepper have been joined by Alfie when I walk back into the kitchen. Alfie jumps up and throws his arms around me in a hug. "Happy birthday, Ruby."

"Thanks kiddo."

He produces an envelope which I put on the table next to Calum's. I have this weird thing about reading cards in front of other people. Don't ask me why. "Where's Dad?"

"Right here." He walks in with his coffee cup and a small box wrapped in red paper. "Is it someone's birthday around here?"

Alfie rolls his eyes, "Daaaad."

Dad laughs at himself like he's hilarious and hands over the present. "Happy birthday, Ruby."

"Thanks Dad." I shake the box lightly out of habit.

"Usually people _open_  their presents," Alfie says, his eyes lit up in excitement.

I tear gently into the paper until I'm met with a plain brown paper box. Inside of that is two plane tickets to Melbourne. "It might make more sense when you open Calum's present," Dad answers for me, acknowledging my confusion.

Calum hands over the envelope he brought me and when I open that, I find two tickets to the Melbourne Observatory. I look up at Calum who looks like he's about to jump out of his skin. "We're going to the Observatory! And we get to spend a week in Melbourne together. Once school finishes."

"It was Calum's idea," Dad says. "You two will have to work out the cost of accomodation but the flights are a gift from me."

My jaw hits the floor. I can't believe my Dad willingly bought two plane tickets for me and Calum to go away to Melbourne together without any supervision. Being an adult is officially fucking awesome.

"Thank you both, so much." I hug Dad and then give Calum a much more PG-rated kiss than I'd like. A whole week in Melbourne just the two of us? In a hotel?

"I'll get you better presents when I'm an adult with a job," Alfie says from the fridge. He pulls out a carton of orange juice and gives me a toothy grin.

"I love everything you've ever given me," I promise him.

"Go and get dressed kiddo," Dad says, throwing an arm around Calum. "Cal's going to shout us all breakfast. Isn't that right, son?"

Calum doesn't seem to notice Dad's joking. "That's right, sir."

I'm not even surprised when Dad pulls out a candle in the cafe and pokes it into my pancakes. He winks at Alfie as he pulls out the lighter and lights it. Calum's hand is resting gently on my thigh underneath the table and as I - along with the rest of the people in the busy cafe - am serenaded with Happy Birthday, I decide that this is already the best birthday I've ever had.


	58. Chapter 58

"I can't believe this school was dumb enough to let me graduate."

Michael's staring at his certificate. His hair is as blue as his graduation gown. Calum pats his shoulder. "Trust me, we can't believe it either."

"Maybe some of your smartness will rub off on me when we're living together next year."

This sudden idea came about a few weeks ago. Michael can't understand why Calum wants to trade his huge house for a tiny two bedroom flat but I do. Calum's lonely in that big house, and it'll be even worse next year when we start doing the long distance thing. Which I'm still in denial about happening, if I'm honest.

He's never said it, but I think Michael's lonely too. When he heard about Calum's plan to move, he practically started packing his room up before even asking if Calum wanted a room mate.

"You two are going to have so much fun next year, and I'll be hanging out with all of my non-existent friends at USU."

Calum wraps his arm around me. His own blue graduation gown is a stark contrast to his dark skin and dark eyes. I still think he's the most beautiful boy to ever walk the planet. And out of all of the centuries and all of the lifetimes, I got to exist at the same time as him. "You'll make plenty of friends."

"Unlike her," Michael snorts. I see his gaze staring behind me and when I turn around, I see Joss standing with her hat in her hands, slinking against the wall like she's wishing she was a chameleon.

It's still weird for me when I see Joss. I used to envy her life so much. She had a boyfriend and so many friends, and her parents never batted an eyelid when she asked for money for a new bag or new shoes. Seeing her like this reminds me of a guilty puppy with it's head between it's legs. I can't say I feel sorry for her though.

Michael takes the attention away from Joss. She's already stolen enough of it. "When do you two lovebirds leave for Melbourne?"

Calum answers first. "Sunday. Can't wait."

 _I can't wait either._ The excitement has been constantly coursing through my whole body, right down to my toes.

"I can't figure out what you're more excited about," I start with a light laugh. "Spending an entire week with me, or going to the observatory."

"Oh," Calum grabs my waist and pulls me close so that his lips are on my ear. "Definitely the observatory." He laughs at his joke, looking at me like I put the stars in the sky just for him.

Michael scoffs, "You guys probably won't get out of bed the entire trip." Then he sighs, "I miss sex. Even if Joss is a she-devil."

I hear, "Well, that's something we can all agree on." Luke takes a spot next to Calum, in his matching gown, still holding his certificate. His hat is still squashed onto his head, hiding all of his hair.

Michael doesn't lash out and strangle Luke, but the look in his eyes makes it obvious he wants too. Luke doesn't back down though. "Come on, man, we're graduating. We're adults. Don't let her ruin any more of your moments."

"Bit rich coming from you," Michael said. "You weren't worried about ruining anything where you were fucking around behind my back. Why don't you go over there and join her? Aren't you two in love or something?"

Luke shook his head, ignoring Michael's bitter sarcasm. "Apparently my idea of being in love and actually being in love are two different things." He glances at me, and Calum definitely notices. His grip on my waist tightens. "Anyway, I'll be around next year. It'd be nice if we could hang out, you know, have beers and pizza or something."

"You sound like you're asking me out on a fucking date," Michael answers. There's almost a smile on his pink lips.

"Hey, things have been so slow in that department, I might have to expand my criteria to guys."

Michael laughs. Luke does too. I'm still concentrating on Calum's hand, counting down until we leave here so we can be alone, and then in Melbourne. And I realise that I'm even thinking about USU and how excited I am to go there, and how I don't want to end up like Joss.

I don't want to put all of my eggs into one boy or person or place, and then have them all squashed and broken when something goes wrong. I want to go to USU for me, even though it will suck being away from Calum and I'll probably have no friends, and even though I have the intelligence of a potato compared to all of the freaky genius science kids, I want to go.

Maybe I didn't put the stars in the sky, for Calum or for anyone else, but I'm going to try and put one up there for me.

"You ready to get out of here?" Calum asks quietly.

"I'm already in my car," I laugh. "Bye you two," I say to Michael and Luke. "Try not to kill each other."

"Yes Mum," Michael says with a sarcastic smile.

"See? You do try to mother everyone," Luke says, his eyebrows raised in that I-told-you-so way.

Calum and I say goodbye again and walk out of the school and across the street to where my car is parked. I look back for a second, feeling that sad nostalgic feeling wash over me. High school sucks sometimes, but it's still sad to leave behind. You get there as one person and you leave as another, and it's weird to think that we'll never be going back.

"Hey Rubes," Calum says softly. "You have to put the key in the ignition to actually get anywhere."

I tilt my head at him and smile, "Let me have my moment."

"Since when are you so sentimental?"

I shrug, "Maybe I've never had anything to feel sentimental about." I look at the school one last time. It suddenly looks smaller. I imagine a lid closing in on it, keeping all of the memories stuck in there for another day.

"You ready?" I ask Calum.

"Are _you_ ready?"

"Almost," I answer, "but first," I lean over and kiss him. I kiss him from the old Ruby, who thought she loved him before she knew him, the Ruby that couldn't have imagined feeling sad about leaving high school behind. And then I kiss him for future Ruby, promising that we'll be able to work through the long distance stuff without me turning into a jealous girlfriend or him finding someone who put even brighter stars in the sky.

And then I kiss him for right now.

Because that's the only thing we ever truly have in our constant grasp: _right now._


	59. Chapter 59

"Are you sure you have everything?" Alfie asks me for the third time. He's been fussing over me all morning, throwing odds and ends into my suitcase: a photo of him and Pepper, the first Mortal Instruments book, an apparent lucky-dollar which I heard him fish out of his money box earlier this morning.

I put my hand to my chin, pretending to think. "Do you think I can squash you into my suitcase?"

Alfie shakes his head, laughing, "No way! Did you know I've grown almost two inches this year? I'm finally taller than Madison."

"Watch out, tv coming through." Finn walks out of the house, carrying my tiny television and lays in down in the boot of my car. He arrived bright and early this morning, much to everyone's surprise. I didn't think he knew how to get out of bed before 11am.

"You know the next time you come home, our citrus trees will have fruit on them."

"I'll probably visit next weekend," I laugh. "Don't think those trees are getting any fruit before then."

Alfie looks at me unsurely. "Do you promise? That you'll visit next weekend?"

I nod. "I promise. USU is only a few hours up the road. It'll be like I haven't even left."

Dad comes out then, carrying a few bottles of water and a car-charger for my phone. I don't think we've properly spoken all morning. He's been as busy as Alfie, avoiding anything that even resembles a goodbye until the very last second, which - I look down at my watch - is right now.

"Okay. I really do have to get going. I told Calum I'd pick him up at 9:30."

Calum insisted on driving down to USU with me. He's going to catch the bus back later this afternoon. I told him he was crazy, and that I'm perfectly capable of driving alone. He told me that he wanted to steal as much time with me as he could before I became buried under uni work.

I hug Finn first. "Thanks for helping this morning."

"What else are big brothers for?"

Alfie snorts behind us. "Maybe you could take Alfie out for ice-cream this afternoon," I tell Finn with raised eyebrows. He turns around to Alfie, then gives me a nod.

"See you soon, sis."

Pepper is laying lazily by Alfie's feet. I give her a little pat, surprised to find myself a little sad to be leaving her as well. "I'll see you next weekend," I say to Alfie as I hug him. "I promise."

When I get to Dad, I see his eyes are glossy. "Allergies," he mumbles, hugging me. _Sure, Dad. Whatever you say._ "I'm so proud of you, Ruby," he says softly. "Drive safely, no speeding... You'll call me when you get there?"

"Yes, Dad," I smile, completely unbothered by him coddling me. It's not like he's going to ring me at USU every time I drive somewhere to warn me about speeding, the least I can do is let him have this moment.

The three of them stand side by side on the front porch and I get into my car. It feels strange for a moment, like our family is dividing into two; me and them.

But then Finn smiles at me, and Alfie leans down to Pepper and lifts her paw up so it looks like she's waving goodbye, and Dad squints into the sun, pretending he's not on the verge of tears, and even though I'm reversing out of the driveway and heading to my new life, it feels like the four of us are closer than ever.

I wind my window down and yell out a final goodbye. As I roll down the street slowly, I see nosy old Mrs Quart sitting on the bench seat on her front porch. She's watching me, and I smile at her, giving a little wave. I know she'll keep an eye on Dad and Alfie whether they like it or not.

 

Calum's already waiting outside his flat when I get there. He practically skips up to the car, and slides in. He's wearing the grey t-shirt that I bought him in Melbourne.

"I was going to come in and say goodbye to Michael."

"He's at work, but he said he'd hook you up with a free pizza next time you come home." Since graduation, Michael had been working at the local pizza place. 

"Now I'll definitely have to come back for a visit. Who can say no to free pizza?"

Calum laughs, holding out a CD. Written across it with a black marker is _Ruby's College Mix,_ "Road trip essential."

"It should say _University_ Mix," I correct him, leaning over and kissing his cheek. He turns his head at the last second, so that our mouths meet. 

We both smile. "Ruby's University Mix didn't sound as cool." He slides the CD into the player, and rests a hand on my thigh. I swallow hard, trying to figure out how I'm supposed to drive the whole way to USU with his hand there.

"Your dad already text me, telling me to make sure you don't speed."

I laugh. "He's going to be lost without me."

"Is it selfish if I say we'll all be lost without you?"

"No," I shake my head. "In fact, can you say it again?"

He's smiling. My eyes are set on the road but I can just feel it. When Calum smiles, his face warms everything around him like the sun on a perfect Summer afternoon. "I'm going to be lost without you, Rubes."

Now I'm smiling. "At least you've got Michael," I say so this moment doesn't turn into a complete cheeseball. Apparently having a boyfriend has made me into one of those rom-com characters. It's almost sickening. 

Almost, as in, I definitely wouldn't change the level of cheesiness for anything. Being in love is like being in a thick fog. It makes you oblivious to everything around you, including the people who roll their eyes at public displays of affection or the ones that think love is just for suckers. I know because I used to be one of those people.

Calum laughs, "I'd never have guessed I'd end up living with Michael."

"I'd never have guessed I'd be going off to USU without you." I try not to sound as sad as I feel.

Calum smiles again, deflecting all rays of sadness with his rays of sun again. "I'd never have guessed that I wouldn't be able to imagine my life without you in it."

We're heading into cheeseball territory again but I don't care. This car trip is all we have right now before everything shifts. Before we fall into that couple who are separated by distance, and Calum's at his uni and I'm at my uni and the parts of our lives that overlapped before become smaller and smaller. 

So yes, I'll indulge myself in these the cheesy, eye-roll worthy conversations. I've still got 46km before things have to change.


	60. Chapter 60

"I just want you to know how much I think this sucks."

Calum and I made it to my dorm room. It's a tiny thing. Two beds, on opposite sides of the room and a long desk with two chairs against the other wall. There's no sign of my room-mate yet, which I'm happy about. I want the world to stop spinning and time to stop ticking so it can just be like this for a while longer: my hands in Calum's, and me in his eyes.

"And I want you to know that I know that you know how much this sucks." He lets out a breathy laugh. "But it's also awesome, and I don't want you to not enjoy USU just because I'm not here to enjoy it with you."

I nod, thinking about something my Dad said once before. "My Dad told me that in good relationships you encourage one another to grow. I'm not going to waste this, and I don't want you to waste your time at uni either. Being apart is going to suck, we owe it to ourselves to grow and experience it all at full-colour, so at least all the sucky-ness will be worth it."

Calum kisses me, and then fishes something out of his jean pocket. "That reminds me..." He hands over a piece of paper and watches me unfold it. It's a list: _We Were Liars, Divergent, The Lost Marble Notebook of Forgotten Girl & Random Boy,_ it goes on and on for the entire page.

"Are these - "

"Books for us to read together?" He nods. "You didn't think going to separate universities meant you'd get to escape my secret nerd world, did you?"

I'm drowning in the list of books in my hand, and in Calum's brown eyes, in his secret nerd world, in _our_ world. I drop the list onto the floor and reach up, pulling his full lips to mine and kissing him. "Promise me you won't stop looking at me like I put the stars in the sky."

He shakes his head. "You didn't. You didn't put the stars in the sky, Ruby. They fell out of the sky and all over you. Not just the stars, either. The stars, the moon, and the planets and their moons, I don't care how fucking cheesy it is. I look at you Ruby and it's like I'm staring at every celestial object to ever exist."

My wish comes true: the world stops, and I kiss Calum again, because what else can you do to a boy who thinks you walk around with entire galaxies in your body? 

He sits on the bed and I climb into his lap, ironically feeling like I'm seeing nothing but stars as our mouths suck the oxygen from one another.

Calum's hands are on my hips and in my hair, while mine stay on either side of his face, holding him and kissing him and hoping the world will stay at a halt for a while longer. "We should really stop," Calum manages to say directly into my mouth. My lips can't remember how to be apart from his.

"No, we shouldn't. The world will start spinning again soon, but for now we have time on our side."

There's a groan from Calum as I move my lips to his neck and start kissing the exact spot I know he loves. "Is the door locked?" I nod. "What about your room-mate?"

"At this point, she's non-existent." Everyone feels non-existent. It's just me and Calum, and every celestial object to ever exist.

He slips my shirt over my head, and kisses the skin across my chest. "I'm really sorry if it's quick," he says, wrapping his arm around me and rolling us over so I'm underneath him. "I'm barely holding it together."

My hand manages to slip underneath the waist band of his jeans, "How about now?"

He shakes his head, breathing laughter all over my face. "Fuck, I love you."

"I love you too."

 

My new room-mate still hasn't arrived after Calum and I are both fully dressed again. "Do you think it smells like sex in here?" I ask him. We're laying on my bed, feeling the world slowly resume to it's regular rotation.

He laughs. "I don't think so. Does sex even have a smell?" He leans over and runs a hand through my hair. "I think you definitely have sex hair though."

"I think you do too."

"That's because you can never keep your hands out of it," he says. _Guilty as charged._ "You know I have to go soon. If I miss the bus back, there's not another one until like 6."

"So," I roll onto my stomach so I can smile at him. "Stay until 6."

"I can't. You've got to unpack and meet your room-mate and find the cafeteria for dinner. And I promised Michael he could teach me how to play the X-Box tonight."

I laugh. "I'm happy you two have each other. He needs someone to look out for him... Are you bad at goodbyes?"

"You know what? I've never really had to say goodbye to anyone before. How about you?"

"I'll be okay," I answer with a shrug. "I'll probably save my crying until after you leave." I laugh, so it knows I'm kind of joking, but the forecast says there's a fifty percent chance of tears.

We decide not to drag out the goodbye process. "I'll see you next weekend, anyway," I tell him. "And I'll call you tonight." He kisses my forehead. "We can start We Were Liars," I promise. And he nods a serious nod, not only agreeing to the book choice but to everything else as well.

He asks me not to walk him out, and when he finally leaves after one last kiss, I close the door behind me and remind myself that it's totally okay to cry.

But then I see the book list that's fallen onto the floor, and just seeing Calum's handwriting dries the tears right up. I fold it up neatly and put it in my pocket, feeling like I've got this tiny piece of him with me.

I send Dad a text just to say hi, and one to Michael as well, and then one to Luke: _**Sorry I didn't get to say a proper goodbye this morning. Take care of Alfie for me :)**_

Then I start unpacking. My suitcase is almost empty when my room-mate runs into the room, looking breathless and frazzled. "Hi, sorry, it's about to storm outside and I ran here from the other side of campus. " She wheels in a battered grey suitcase and closes the door, still catching her breath. "I'm Floss, by the way."

"I'm Ruby," I smile.  _Floss?_

"My real names Felicity," she explains, sitting down on the other bed. "But everyone calls me Floss."

"Everyone just calls me Ruby," I laugh. "Except my boyfriend. Sometimes he calls me Rubes." Five seconds into university life and I've already turned into that girl. The one who talks about her boyfriend all the time.

"Boyfriend, huh?" She raises her eyebrows. "Do you have a picture?"

I take my phone out and swipe to the most recent photo I took of Calum. He's sitting on my bed wearing a black t-shirt, Pepper in his lap. My heart pouts, I miss him already. "Cute guy," she says, "and very cute puppy. What's her name?"

"Pepper," I say as Floss hands me my phone and starts swiping through hers. She hands it over to me, and I see a photo of a Boxer puppy.

"No boyfriend for me," she says. "That's Bruno. He's still a puppy. I'm going to miss him like crazy."

"He's really cute," I tell Floss. "My brother would love him. He's crazy about dogs." As I'm about to hand the phone back to her, I accidentally swipe the screen and a different photo pops up. It's Floss - with shorter, even more unruly blonde curls - standing with two younger boys - twins, about fifteen, I think - and a man and a woman.

"That's from last Christmas," Floss explains, taking the phone back. "They're my little brothers. That's my Dad and his wife. Well, ex-wife now. You'd think he'd learn by now. It's his third failed marriage. I told him this one would be no different but do you think he listened? I tell you, parents are so clueless sometimes."

I'm oblivious to most of what Floss is saying. My eyes are still glued on the phone in her hand. _It can't be._ I shake my head. There's just no way. _No way._

Floss is still talking while I sit like a comatose patient. _But what if it is?_ "Sorry, can I look at that photo again?"

My new room-mate looks at me strangely, but hands over her phone anyway. I stare at the woman in the photo, trying to think of all the reasons that I must be wrong.

"I know this is a really strange question," I'm staring at the redhead in the photo. _Strawberry blonde_ , I hear my Dad say. _Shut up,_ I tell him. "But what's her name? Your dad's ex wife?"

"Louise," Floss answers. The colour drains from my face. "Do you know her or something?"

"She's... she's my mother."

**To be continued...**


End file.
